Slippin' On The Ice: The Extra-Vaganza
by The J.A.M. a.k.a. Numbuh i
Summary: In honour of TTA's 25th anniversary. Mary Melody and the gang are back! This time, they're involved in a VERY extensive class project: their thesis! Will a parody/tribute to a classic movie be enough to give them a passing grade? The FOURTH (yes, there are four) story in the Mary Melody Trilogy. RIP Debbie Reynolds. [Mary Melody, bit players, OCs]
1. Trailer!

**TONIGHT**

 **ON THE ABC WEEKEND SPECIAL SATURDAY MORNING MOVIE…**

 _"It's fun working with technology, as long as it's not confused for talent, in and of itself." — The J.A.M._

 **STEVEN SPIELBERG PRESENTS / PRESENTA / APRESENTA…**

 **THE STORY OF A MILESTONE IN MOTION PICTURE HISTORY…**

 _Calamity picked him up and signed, "Hello, Mr. Rodriguez. This new movie is flowing very smoothly."_

 _The rodent looked at him and spat with bristled fur and very low ears, "Well, yoo can estop floweeng eemmeedeeately. Estop de prodocshonn now!"_

 _"What?"_

 _"Yoo herrd me! Estop feelmeeng!"_

 _Unsure why he was giving such an order, Calamity lowered his ears slightly and flashed a huge sign above him that read, "EVERYTOON, SAVE IT!"_

 _Some of the crew shrugged and began turning off the reflectors._

 _"No, we'rre not gonna 'save eet'! Tell evereetoon to go home! We'rre estopeeng everee seengle moovie rright now and shotteeng down forr at least one month!"_

"WHAT?!" _blurted both cast and crew alike._

 _"Don't josst estand derre, yoo mangey coyyotteh! Tell dem!"_

 _Even more shocked at the order, Calamity lowered his ears completely and flashed an even bigger sign that read, "EVERYTOON! GO HOME UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE!" The canine then turned to his boss and flashed a smaller sign, "Lightning, what's going on?"_

 _Mary stepped up, just as shocked and surprised as the rest, "Yeah, what's the matter, Mr. Rodriguez?"_

 _The mouse paced on Calamity's paw and grumbled, "_ The Rapper _, dat's what's de matterr! Dat estoopeed Warrnerr Brodderrs 360-deegree moovie,_ The Rapper _!"_

 _At that, Sneezer and Sweetie smiled and began singing on the console, "Ah,_ The Rapper! In west Philadelphia born and raised, on the playground was where I spent most of my days _—"_

 _"Eet's no joke, yoo two!" squeaked their boss, swishing his tail. "Eet's a sensashonn! Toons arre escreameeng forr morr!"_

 _"More whut?" asked Banjo._

 _"Morr 360-deegree moovies!" Lightning rubbed his face and head in unspeakable worry and frustration._

 **WHEN THE FOURTH WALL WAS BROKEN FOREVER…**

 _Lightning's form stood straight and said, "Hello. Dees ees a demmostrayshon of a 360-deegree moovie. Note dat eet ees a perrfect non-transparent non-aleeased non-peexelated 24 meelleeon colourr 360-deegree hologram of myself. Note dat I even generate shadows, and dat I'm talkeeng een fooll v20 Binaural Surround Sound™."_

 _Not only that, but the rodent's form was "walking" around the platform, enabling all the spectators to see both his face and tail at one point or another._

 **HOLLYWOOD…**

 _The crowd outside the Chinese Theatre in Hollywood was swelling by the minute. It had taken quite a number of police officers to keep the street and the red carpet clear, more than in any previous premiere that had happened here before. And even though it wasn't the stars' first film, the fact that it was their most recent was enough to bring out the crowds in droves._

 **2027 A.D.…**

 _"This is Mary Heartless, live from the red carpet of the Chinese Theatre in Hollywood! This is truly an incredible night, ladies and gentletoons! Just about every star in Hollywood is arriving here for the Rodriguez Brothers' premiere of_ Snatched From The Wind _, the most talked about movie of 2027! And all around me, you can see and hear everytoon eagerly awaiting the arrival of Banjo 'Possum and Mary Melody!"_

 _Apparently, that was the crowd's cue to roar in anticipation. Just then, a black hover-limousine zoomed up the street, and the whine of its turbines died down as it settled on the pavement. Then, the butterfly-type door swung open with the characteristic hiss of its control pistons._

 **WHEN 3D WAS LEFT IN THE DUST…**

 _For Mary, meanwhile, everything was spiralling out of control. She was about to say something, but Calamity beat her to it. He signed, "Now just wait a moment, Lightning! A 360-degree movie? Are you sure? Shouldn't we wait until we see how_ The Rapper _turns out after a few weeks?"_

 _"NO! Everee estoodeeo ees jumpeeng on de bandwagon, Cal! Everee seengle theatrre een de country ees eenstalleeng hologram projectorrs, tearreeng out de normal seats and setteeng up de double-ampheetheatrre arrangement! Orr worrse, some theatrres arre even being torrn down and getteeng rrebuilt from zero weeth de new setup! And we'rre_ not _gonna be left out!"_

 **AND NOT EVERYTOON WAS READY…**

 _The feline face-palmed, and with his ears low and hackles raised, signed, "SEXY!"_

 _Mary blushed again, but did as directed. She shifted her legs, curved her spine, and placed her left hand on her hip._

 _Banjo crossed his arms, but then remembered that he had to act with his tail, so he uncrossed his arms and tried tapping his hips slightly. And his tail flopped on the floor once more._

 **AND THOSE WHO WEREN'T…**

 _Those in the audience who were looking directly at that laughed even louder, because it looked like Banjo was trying to play the maracas with his tail._

 _Naturally, the actor was quite proud of his accomplishment. "Slick tail action, eh, Lil' Mary?"_

 _The actress just shook her head and rubbed her eyes._

 **WOULD STRIKE AT THOSE WHO WERE…**

 _"Well, what are we gonna do now?" asked the doe._

 _"Nothin'. Yew're gonna dew_ absolutely nothin' _."_

 _The three turned to the door, and there was Banjo The Woodpile 'Possum, dressed in a white sports jacket and pants._

 **A HUMANMAID…**

 _"Well, if you want to know from the start, it would be impossible to tell any story of my career if I didn't include my lifelong friends, Sweetie and Sneezer." She gestured carefully at her companions on her shoulders. "We met when we were kids; we grew up together, and ended up working together!"_

 **A JAGUAR…**

 _He leaned toward her and added, "A stage actor. No green screens, no teleprompters, only one take to get it right, and a real set on the stage. And not just any stage: the 360-degree stage, mind you…"_

 **AN OPOSSUM…**

 _…He simply added with happy ears, "Ayeeup! We had plenty o'fun makin' it, an' we hope all y'all had fun seein' it tonight!"_

 **CAUGHT IN A STRUGGLE TO SURVIVE IN A TECHNOLOGICAL UPHEAVAL…**

 _Her finger silenced him, and she replied, "J.A.M., it was more than just incompatible computers and programming bugs." She rubbed her aching head, "It was…_ so _much more than that…"_

 **AND IN A BATTLE FOR TRUE LOVE…**

 _The humanmaid crossed her arms and scoffed, "'Li'l Mary'. Can't that guy take the most 'gentle' of hints?"_

 _Sweetie looked at her, "What, haven't you heard? He's IRRESISTIBLE!"_

 _"Yeah, he told us so himself, yup-yup!"_

 _Finally, the sunset faded away, leaving the couple alone as they shared their first kiss in a loving embrace…_

 **MARY MELODY IN HER FIRST FEATURE LENGTH MUSICAL…**

 _She slid gracefully and tossed her scarf around her neck to keep both ends behind her. As she approached the corner, she sang:_

"I'm slippin' on the ice!" _She grabbed the street signpost and swung herself around it twice, making the snow on top of it fall on her head._

"Just slippin' on the ice!" _Mary released the post and continued gliding down the sidewalk._

"For a fabulous pratfall…"

 **AND IN HER MOST EXTENSIVE CLASS PROJECT YET…**

 _She shook her head, "I…I should have been stronger. It's not fair to you guys that we had to dump all the work we had so far!"_

 _The humanmaid continued, "And now we had to_ rush _this new film in order to get it in on time! Are we even going to get a passing grade for it? You_ know _it counts for a third of our final grade!"_

 **ALONG WITH MANY TOONS YOU ONLY SAW IN PASSING…**

 _An orange-haired woman in a yellow coat told her red-brown-haired husband in a black coat, "That was a total bust."_

 _A trio of very tall and very angry hillbilly opossums in dark blue coats padded out, all with angry features. One of them snarled, "_ The Rapper _wasn't much better than this, but at least one could see it without any glitches!"_

 _The red-haired boy, now in a neon-red jacket, pranced out, alongside his friend, another red-haired boy with jeans, a blue jacket and a blue cap, and both were imitating Mary's line with definite mockery: "I love you, Billy. I love you, dear Billy. I love you, dearest Billy…!"_

 **BANJO THE WOODPILE 'POSSUM AS YOU'VE NEVER SEEN HIM BEFORE…**

" _Billy Bob", ears low, crawled almost feline-like through the burning and smouldering rubble of what was once a mansion, trying to find his human girlfriend, the love of his life._

 _He called out, "JOSIE! JOSIE!" Though he had to stop and cough several times._

 _Suddenly, he finally saw her, lying face down and unconscious under a thick wooden beam that was still burning in some spots of its top side. "JOSIE!" he screamed. He slithered deftly around "Josie", and with uncharacteristic strength—and muscles that he definitely didn't have before—he slowly lifted the beam from her body, pushed it away, and dropped it just inches from her head._

 **AND A HUGE SURPRISE AWAITS EVERYTOON AT THE END…**

 _"J…J.A.M., you're not going back to Mexico for good, are you? You're not…leaving…me—_ us _…are you?"_

 **IT'S TIME TO SING…**

"No, the heart that has truly loved never forgets," _She leaned up to hold his head in her hands. "Billy Bob" was startled, naturally, but only for a moment. He smiled with relief, raised his ears, and sang as well:_

"But as truly loves on t' th'close…"

 **IT'S TIME TO DANCE…**

 _"Oh, we are the toons of the chorus!_

 _We hope you like our show!_

 _We know you're rooting for us,_

 _But now we have to gooooooooo!"_

 **IT'S TIME TO ACT, FRONT AND BACK…**

 _Furrball padded away a bit and turned his back to them. He signed, "Happy." Even though the opossum and the humanmaid couldn't see his face, the way the cat curled the tip of his tail, raised his ears, stood on his toes slightly, and relaxed his fingers, clearly conveyed gladness._

 _"Sad."_

 _He lowered his ears and shoulders, and let his tail drop to the floor. In fact, every muscle on his back and legs seemed to sag._

 **CREE SUMMER FRANKS**

 _"…am I a good actress?"_

 **LUKE RUEGGER**

 _"Why, yes, of_ corrse _I'm yoorr boss! And I_ own _dees estoodeeo and evereeteeng een eet!"_

 **CANDI MILO**

 _"Patience, lovermouse, I am about to be BRILLIANT!"_

 **KATH SOUCIE**

 _"_ Song of the East _, yup-yup!"_

 _"Josie ees, 'ow yoo say, workeeng een ze fields where she belongs,_ mon amour _."_

 **CALAMITY COYOTE AS HIMSELF**

 _"But just remember, Melody, you_ might _be trading those skates in for wings and a halo!"_

 **LITTLE BEEPER AS HIMSELF**

 _A male red roadrunner in a black tuxedo stepped out, followed by what could only be described as a female sphinx wearing a white gown. They, too, walked up the carpet and into the theatre amidst the roar of the crowd._

 **ROB PAULSEN**

 _"Later, Li'l Mary! See yew there! Ah'll be countin' th'seconds!"_

 **THE J.A.M.**

 _"Um, are you sure that it's in your best interests to be seen in public with me?"_

 **SPECIAL APPEARANCES BY**

 **NOEL BLANC**

 _"…but da fantasy part will be dat it will include…toons."_

 **JOSÉ RAMIRO ACOSTA PÉREZ**

 _"N…no problem, Mary, you know you can count on me!"_

 **JENNIFER CLECKLEY**

 _"We're preparing you for some 'slick tail action', lover boy."_

 **TRESS MACNEILLE**

" _It_ sucks!"

 **FRANK WELKER**

 _"Unfortunately, I have the only bullet left in this house. Don't worry, I ain't gonna kill you here and now. I need to capture you alive and bring you to General Lee himself to collect my reward…"_

 **MELLENY BROWN**

 _"…You just watch as the numbers go down the toilet within the hour in those minute updates."_

 **ARE**

 _She slid gracefully and tossed her scarf around her neck to keep both ends behind her._

 **SLIPPIN' ON THE ICE: THE EXTRA-VAGANZA**

 _She extended her arms and one leg, speeding down the street, before jumping into a triple twist and landing on her left foot to glide backwards once more._

 **A BODY CAST AWAITS…**

 _A tall white teenager with purple-dyed hair, wearing a pink coat and black pants, apparently caught by surprise by the ice, was stumbling and slipping her way toward her._

 **IF YOU FORGET YOUR SKATES…**

 _The teen's feet flew out from under her and she slammed on the sidewalk flat on her back._

 **NEXT / NÄCHSTE / NÄSTA / A CONTINUACIÓN / A SEGUIR…**


	2. Prologue

[…unWARP!]

Good evening.

 **PROLOGUE**

This is the fourth instalment of the Mary Melody trilogy (yes, there are four stories). Here, Mary and her "bit player" friends take on character roles in a _very_ extensive school project.

This story takes place after "Mary's Quest: Only A Scar", but before "Jacob Marley's Daughter", so it's recommended that you read all the previous stories, available on this server.

Don't worry, there's not that much Spanish dialogue here.

Also, although this is somewhat a parody/tribute of the 1952 masterpiece _Singin' In The Rain_ , with Gene Kelly, Donald O'Connor, and Debbie Reynolds, it does not correspond 100 percent with it, so don't expect every scene, dialogue, or musical number to appear in this work.

Rated PG-13, I guess.

* * *

A myriad adolescent toons shuffled in their seats inside the Acme Looniversity Auditorium. Many were nervous, while others were nostalgic, as tonight would be the last night in which many of them would be assembled together in this manner because it was their senior year.

Two such toons were one African-American humanmaid, clad in a red tank top, black bicycle pants, and white sneakers; and one male jaguar, clad in an oversize black t-shirt with an "Hecho en México" logo and wearing a black watch on his left wrist, and the two were sitting together near the back row. Also sitting on that row were a male grey coyote in light-pink sneakers, a male red roadrunner also in blue sneakers, two male mice—one wearing diapers and the other a light blue t-shirt, white cap, and white sneakers—one female pink canary with a light blue bow on her head, one purple skunkmaid with a pink bow, one very muscular male white pit bull, one blue tomcat, one male grey opossum in denim overalls and a straw hat, and one brown rotund female cat with glasses, blue jeans, and a red shirt.

And they were all quite nervous.

"Should we even be nervous?" asked the jaguar. "I mean, we have no way of knowing if they're even going to show our film or not, not with all the 'stars' hogging up all the screen time here. And why is this only for tonight? Shouldn't a true student film festival last several days?"

His girlfriend replied, "Not with several hundred students submitting their films at the same time, J.A.M. The faculty simply decided to transfer all the films to DVD and let the students and their families watch them on their own time, while screening the 'stars' films in tonight's ceremony."

The panther lowered his ears and sighed, "Typical. Well, I don't blame them; after all, we were almost late in submitting our film…"

"I…I'm sorry, Furrycoat…" sobbed Mary, covering her face with her hands.

"Hey, don't be!" interrupted her boyfriend, holding her shoulders with his rough paws. "No one blames you for what happened, okay? Not even me. No one expected your reaction…not after what you went through before." The feline gently caressed the humanmaid's cheek. The girl tried to smile, but she couldn't help but remember the disaster of their first attempt to make a student film…

* * *

 _The humanmaid swooned with a flourish of her right hand to her head. Her whitish bodice swirled as she appeared to faint, but the tuxedo clad—and masked—jaguar with a top hat caught her as his baritone voice echoed eerily in the dungeon under the French theatre, and his song continued [youtu be/n4CQK-ML_KA?t=2m7s]:_

"…Softly… _deftly_ …music shall caress you…

Hear it… _feel it_ …secretly possess you…

Open up your mind—let your fantasies unwind…!" _Holding "Christine" with his right paw, he gestured with his left at her face, as if he were trying to hypnotise her._

"In this darkness that you know you cannot fight…" _She, in turn, simply closed her eyes._

"The darkness of the music of the night!" _Then, the music seemed to explode:_

"Let your mind start a journey through a strange, new world!

Leave all thoughts of the life you knew before!

Let your soul take you where you long to BEEEEEE…!" _The music quieted, and all echoes faded away in the dungeon._

"…Only then…can you…belong…to me…"

 _"_ _Christine" slowly opened her eyes to look at "The Phantom", who had fallen in love with her and was trying to make her feel the same way about him…_

 _…_ _and she looked into the orange eyes of a spotted jaguar…_

 _…_ _a jaguar hiding behind a white mask that covered the right side of his muzzle and face…_

 _…_ _a mask that was obviously hiding a hideously scarred countenance…_

 _…_ _which included an enormous scar that crossed an empty eye socket…_

 _…_ _which belonged to a panther who was intent on ripping her clothes off and then torturing her in the most unspeakable ways before ingesting her mangled body—_

 _"_ _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"_

 _"_ _CUT!" yelled The J.A.M., stumbling backward and almost falling because Mary had shoved him back, breaking his hold._

 _Mary had to get out of there…out of this foul-smelling Mexican prison…out of this dilapidated junkyard office that for some reason seemed to resemble a French dungeon that was filled with stagehands, stage lighting, boom microphones, cameras, and…_

 _A ringing bell pierced the air, and the shrill noise was replaced with concerned whispers as the crew approached her._

 _Mary blinked, and saw her friends, the "bit players", approach her with worried expressions on their faces._

 _Leading the crew was her boyfriend, The J.A.M., who quickly ditched his mask and top hat, dropping them on the floor. His huge paws gently held the actress' upper arms while he asked with flat ears and near panic, "Mary? What…what happened? I didn't press on any bruise on your back or arm, did I?"_

 _The humanmaid breathed deeply. She wasn't in Mexico; in some seedy cesspool poorly disguised as living quarters. She wasn't even in an underground French dungeon, but in a sound stage._

 _And her boyfriend wasn't a foul-smelling beast of a street-fighting panther with a destroyed rosette pattern on his back, a missing eye, and even more missing morals, but an onça with a full and healthy coat, deep orange eyes, and an upbringing that made him refuse to even spit in public._

 _Rough and heavy pawpads gently held her upper arms, ready to catch her should she lose control of her sense of equilibrium._

 _The sounds of his real voice, of her friend's voices, and of the crew resetting the lighting and props brought her back to reality._

 _But it wasn't enough._

 _"_ _F…Furrycoat…I…" Mary shook her head, and then leaned on his barrel-shaped torso. "I…I can't do this…I'm sorry…I'm sorry…"_

 _Unsure why she couldn't go on, at first, the jaguar held her gently and led her away. "It's okay, Panterita, it's okay, you don't have to do this. We'll figure out something else." As he led her away, he gestured something to Lightning Rodriguez._

 _Mary sobbed gently while the Mexican mouse squeaked, "Dat's a rrap forr today, amigos! Let's close eet up!"_

* * *

Back in the auditorium, Mary sank in her seat, ashamed. She shook her head, "I…I should have been stronger. It's not fair to you guys that we had to dump all the work we had so far!"

"And I shouldn't have suggested doing _The Phantom of the Opera_ ," sighed the panther, still with low ears. "Not if it brought so many horrible memories crashing down on you."

 _Oyle, not exactly the best of ideas,_ thought Werekitty.

Mary continued, "Well, my idea wasn't much better. I really wanted to do _Cats_ , but Furrball couldn't get his family to help us!"

On another seat, Furrball just lowered his ears, raised his paws, and shrugged with slight disappointment.

The humanmaid continued, "And now we had to _rush_ this new film in order to get it in on time! Are we even going to get a passing grade for it? You _know_ it counts for a third of our final grade!"

Sneezer, Sweetie, and Lightning Rodriguez scurried on her shoulders. "No grade ees as eemporrtant as yoorr health, Mery," said the tiny Mexican.

"And we had lots more fun making this new film, don't you think, huh-huh?" smiled the other mouse.

Sweetie, on top of their friend's head, added, "And these roles fit you two BETTER than 'Christine' and 'The Phantom'!"

Further down the row, Calamity signed, "Time travel tends to mess up memories. It's obvious you need more time for them to settle in your head after that incident you had."

"Hey, Ah lahked this here movie better, too!" laughed Banjo.

The African-American sat back, and sighed again. "Thanks, guys, you really are wonderful friends. But as I said, I hope that your grades don't suffer because we changed films at almost the last moment. And even if we _had_ chosen this one as our project to begin with…" She thought for a moment before sinking in her seat, "None of the 'stars' are in it. We'll be lucky if our movie doesn't get lost in the DVD shuffle later this week."

The jaguar raised his ears and held her hand, "Hey, we all made this movie together, and we gave it our best. Sure, it was rushed, but we all know we did it right. And I doubt that…that…um…that pink rabbit—"

"Babs," said Fifi, rolling her eyes.

"Babs, yes, sorry, or Miss Loon, would have made a better leading actress here, Mary."

" _Oui_ ," added the skunkmaid. "But we had ze fun tonight laughing at ze ozher's students films, _non_? Ze ceremony is almost, 'ow yoo say, over, so later we all can go to ze Weenieburgers and zen go to Ze J.A.M.'s place and watch our movie, _non_?"

The humanmaid thought a bit, and replied, "Well, I suppose we could do that, if that's okay with you, Fur—"

"Ehh, and now, our final student film for tonight," Bugs Bunny's voice almost blasted from the auditorium's speakers, silencing the audience, and the "bit players", with a sudden start, flattening all non-human ears. "Dis one is a joint project by Mary Melody and Da J.A.M. Enjoy!"

The toons in question looked incredulously at each other.

 _Bugs was going to screen their film_ _HERE_ _and NOW?_

On the aisle seat, Banjo drawled, "Well, Ah'll be a gator's eyelash! Mister Principal decided to put yer movie here after awl!"

"Heh, why so surprised?"

The group turned to look at a black Mexican-American wolf grinning at them. He wore a red t-shirt and a blue cap; on his right there was a large half cat-half dog hybrid with a light blue t-shirt, and next to him was a muscular spotted hyenamaid with a light blue t-shirt printed with white crossbones, black shorts, and white boxing shoes. On the wolf's left, there was a certain brown-red ratmaid, clad in a purple dress shirt, black tie, and black shorts.

"You did something, Wally?" signed Calamity.

"Raise your hand if you're part of the staff." Wally raised his right paw, still grinning. "Even if I'm just an assistant janitor, the Loo's rules still allow me to recommend some movies, and offer my opinion on the projecting order. I told our 'Wascally' Principal to take a look at your movie before transferring it to DVD, and apparently he liked it well enough to include it in the show."

"And it makes sense." The certain ratmaid, linking arms with Wally, grinned at the "bit players". "After all, if the Loo was willing to give a chance to a _very_ prominent ex-Perfectoid, they obviously should give a chance to all the other students, 'stars' or not."

Everytoon sat back, still flabbergasted at that information, as the auditorium's lights faded, and the projector rolled film…

* * *

"It's fun working with technology, as long as it's not confused for talent, in and of itself." — The J.A.M.

Cree Summer Franks

Luke Ruegger

Candi Milo

Kath Soucie

Calamity Coyote and Little Beeper as Themselves

Rob Paulsen

The J.A.M.

are

 **SLIPPIN' ON THE ICE: THE EXTRA-VAGANZA**

along with

Noel Blanc

Special appearances by

José Ramiro Acosta Pérez

Jennifer Cleckley

Tress MacNeille

Frank Welker

Melleny Brown

Charles Adler

David Schwimmer

Courteney Cox

Jennifer Anniston

Lisa Kudrow

Matt LeBlanc

and Matthew Perry

Written by The J.A.M. (but please call me J.A.M.)

Edited by professor Nathaniel T. Freeman

 _To all the TRUE actors and actresses…_


	3. Ichi – The Celebrity…

**ICHI – THE CELEBRITY…**

 **LOS ANGELES, 2027 A.D.**

The crowd outside the Chinese Theatre in Hollywood was swelling by the minute. It had taken quite a number of police officers to keep the street and the red carpet clear, more than in any previous premiere that had happened here before. And even though it wasn't the stars' first film, the fact that it was their most recent was enough to bring out the crowds in droves.

 _Again._

Naturally, media reporters were all over the area, speaking excitedly to their camera drones, or interviewing members of the crowd. There was one correspondent, however, a tall blonde woman in a sparkling red-orange gown, who appeared to be the most important media correspondent of them all, and that was because she was actually standing _on_ the red carpet that led into the theatre. Holding an old-fashioned microphone to her face while speaking to a camera drone hovering in front of her, she reported:

"This is Mary Heartless, live from the red carpet of the Chinese Theatre in Hollywood! This is truly an incredible night, ladies and gentletoons! Just about every star in Hollywood is arriving here for the Rodriguez Brothers' premiere of _Snatched From The Wind_ , the most talked about movie of 2027! And all around me, you can see and hear everytoon eagerly awaiting the arrival of Banjo 'Possum and Mary Melody!"

Apparently, that was the crowd's cue to roar in anticipation. Just then, a black hover-limousine zoomed up the street, and the whine of its turbines died down as it settled on the pavement. Then, the butterfly-type door swung open with the characteristic hiss of its control pistons.

"And we have one warm-up arrival now!" Mary Heartless pointed at the vehicle. The camera drone swung around to focus on the newly arrived celebrity. "Why, it's none other than the former Mr. Olympia and the star of several action movies, Arnold Pit Bull!"

A huge muscular white pit bull, in a black tuxedo and wearing sunglasses, stepped out of the hover-limousine. That caused the females of the crowd, especially those of the canine type, to squeal in excitement, but the actor seemed to ignore the crowd and stayed at the door for a moment as he helped his companion step out.

A purple and white female skunk, dressed in a full-length sparkling neon blue dress, held the dog's arm and stepped out.

The reporter continued narrating, "And he's arriving with his new red-hot flame, that famous French bachelorette, Fifi LaFume! Arnold's had so much bad luck lately when dealing with the opposite gender; hopefully this time he'll finally know real love!"

Arnold slammed the door shut and led Fifi into the theatre. Miss Heartless was about to interview him, but right then, Arnold's hover-limousine sped off as another one arrived. This time, it was occupied by—

"And arriving now is that exotic Latino star, Beeper! And he brought along his newest wife, Sphinxy!" A male red roadrunner in a black tuxedo stepped out, followed by what could only be described as a female sphinx wearing a white gown. They, too, walked up the carpet and into the theatre amidst the roar of the crowd. "They've been married for two months, but as you can see from their smiles, the honeymoon still continues!" Miss Heartless explained.

Again, she was about to interview them, but was once more interrupted by a glaring car horn, which sounded more like a train horn.

It wasn't from a limousine, but from a red convertible hover-sedan. There was no chauffeur, but was instead driven by the actual celebrity…via remote control, given his unusually small size.

Miss Heartless continued without a beat, "Well, well, well! It's none other than Sweetie Bird and Sneezer Mouse!"

At her announcement, the crowd suddenly hushed, like they did long ago for a certain black male duck.

A bit fazed by their unusual welcome, the newly arrived "stars" nonetheless tried to take things in stride. Sneezer, a small grey mouse in a black tuxedo and what appeared to be a black diaper, hopped across the front seats and opened the door for his companion, Sweetie, a female pink canary who wore a light blue gown. Once they were on the red carpet, the car was driven away by a convenient valet.

Ignoring the crowd's silence, Miss Heartless continued as the miniature couple walked up to her, "Sweetie and Sneezer are Mary Melody's best friends. They're the tech-savvy couple who help Banjo and Mary visualise the sets they're in while working with all those green screens in order to get them into all those incredible romantic moods!"

Ah, the technical crew. The crowd understood and cheered politely for them, after all, movies would be impossible without the production staff, right?

However, the cheering for Sneezer and Sweetie was abruptly truncated as yet another hover-limousine drove up. The door swung up, and when she saw who was inside, Miss Heartless stiffened.

"Ladies and gentletoons, this is it! The stars of the movie! The most romantic lovers of the silver screen! Banjo 'Possum and Mary Melody!"

The crowd practically exploded at the announcement, and streamers and confetti flew all over as a male opossum in a black tuxedo, and black roller blades, oddly enough, stepped out of the vehicle and helped his companion emerge.

She was an African-American girl, dressed in a very stylish orange gown, with matching roller blades, too. Her jet-black hair flowed down to her shoulders in a way that could only be accomplished by a hairdresser who knew what he was doing, and plenty of very expensive shampoo. As she straightened up, she held Banjo's left arm tightly and smiled and waved at the crowd, eliciting an even larger explosion of cheers, wolf whistles, and a disturbing number of marriage proposals—from _both_ genders.

 _Not that there was anything wrong with that :P._

Of course, Mary ignored the exclamations, looked tenderly at her fellow celebrity, and gracefully led him up the red carpet. Naturally, since they were on a carpet, they couldn't skate very fast, but even then, she handled herself like an Olympic ice skater, and she even seemed to flow with Banjo as he, too, glided over the fabric with little or no effort…or much movement from his legs or tail, for that matter.

Miss Heartless continued as the celebrities flowed toward her, "Ladies and gentletoons, looking at this beautiful couple up close again…" she sighed, "…it's no wonder they're an international household name! Like…'bacon and eggs'! 'Possum and Melody'!" She greeted both with a friendly kiss on the cheek as they stood on her right, and the camera drone adjusted its position to put all three of them in frame—all _five_ of them now as Sneezer climbed up their friend's dress and stood on her left shoulder while Sweetie alighted on her right.

Ignoring the production crew, Miss Heartless began with the typical annoying questions, "Mary, please tell me, 'confidentially', are these rumours true…"

The actress raised an eyebrow.

 _Honestly, "confidentially"?_

"…that wedding bells are imminent for you and Banjo?"

The African-American almost balked at that, but she kept her reaction reined in, thanks to her extensive experience as an actress. Projecting a smile, she replied, "Well, I hate shooting down rumours, but sorry, all of them are false. Banjo and I have mutually friendzoned each other for a while now."

"Yew got that right!" added Banjo, also smiling.

Still, the annoying reporter insisted, "You two have come such a long way together, Mary, please, tell us how it came about!"

Maintaining her feigned smile, the actress explained, "Well, to start with, Banjo and I have worked on quite a number of movies, and—"

"Oh, no, Mary!" Miss Heartless interrupted. "We want to hear your story from the _beginning_!"

"Whut, yew want t'hear our life stories raght here an' now?" asked Banjo, raising an eyebrow and perking his ears.

Again suppressing a grimace of annoyance, the African-American "giggled" and replied, "Please, Miss Heartless, not in front of everytoon!"

"But Mary, Banjo, the story of your incredible success is an inspiration to aspiring actors and actresses everywhere! Right, everytoon?"

Naturally, the crowd cheered in agreement.

The actress quickly glanced at the entrance, where her director and producer stood, and they discreetly nodded at her. They were two friends she had worked with for a long time, so the screening of the film would be delayed for them.

 _And only them._

Mary looked tenderly at Banjo again, sighed, and gently took the microphone from Miss Heartless' hands.

And she began:

"Well, if you want to know from the start, it would be impossible to tell any story of my career if I didn't include my lifelong friends, Sweetie and Sneezer." She gestured carefully at her companions on her shoulders. "We met when we were kids; we grew up together, and ended up working together!"

"You did?"

"That's right, Miss Heartless. And if there's one catch phrase, one motto that we've stuck with through thick and thin, it's 'Dignity. Always dignity'…"

The image dissolved into a flashback as the actress told her story:

 _"My parents raised me with that right from the start, even when they sent me to the finest schools—including dancing school—and that's where I first met Sweetie and Sneezer…"_

A very young Mary Melody, in a black tutu, kept tripping over herself as she tried roller dancing in a rather dilapidated dance studio. A young Sweetie and Sneezer were handling the sound equipment, namely, a run-down MP3 player and two tiny speakers, and the two winced as the girl fell on her face.

Repeatedly.

 _"And with my two best friends, I used to perform for my parents' friends and business colleagues. They practically begged me to perform our little numbers…"_

Mary, Sneezer, and Sweetie, dressed in bee costumes, tried roller dancing on the stage of a school theatre, only to stop when they saw that all the parents had made a hasty exit, leaving them to perform to an empty house.

 _"Then, if I was a good little girl, my parents let me go with them to the movies. They raised me up on Steven Spielberg…Robert Zemeckis, the finest of the classics…"_

Sneezer and Sweetie sneaked into a theatre through an air vent, and let Mary inside by opening a service door from the inside.

 _"After that came arduous musical training at the Conservatory of the Performing Arts…"_

Now the three were working by handling all the audio equipment of a very dubious smoke-and-liquor-filled nightclub.

 _"Then we finished our apprenticeship at a very exclusive drama school: Acme Looniversity…"_

That same nightclub had a Karaoke Night, and the three were roller dancing again, only to be yanked off from the stage _via_ one large hook and two tiny ones.

 _"And through thick and thin, my parents' lesson remained: 'Dignity. Always dignity'. Three years later, we were ready to set out on a dance concert tour…"_

The trio boarded a rather dilapidated white bullet train, which took them to towns like Albuquerque, Odessa, Hell, and Nantucket.

 _"We performed at the finest concert halls in the U.S. and Canada…"_

A spotlight lit the right of the stage, the music began playing, and the tuxedo-clad trio skated out and sang:

 _"Oh, we are the toons of the chorus!_

 _We hope you like our show!_

 _We know you're rooting for us,_

 _But now we have to gooooooooo!"_

 _"We were loved by audiences everywhere. Finally, we decided to try our luck—erm—to come to sunny California…"_

The trio sat dejectedly outside an employment office, taking shelter from the rain under a hole-riddled green awning.

 _"We were stranded—um—we were here, taking a break from our last gig, but then movie studio offers began filling our in-box. After a bit of sorting, we decided to try Rodriguez Brothers…"_

The flashback now moved to a sound stage. It was a typical Hollywood sound stage, set up as a typical old western saloon, with the exception that instead of walls, there were green screens all around, and the only physical props were a few tables, the bar, and the shelves full of liquor products. A young deer buck dressed as a cowboy sat on one of the chairs, and a purple skunk, dressed as a cabaret girl in a red shoulderless and strapless dress, stood nearby.

Mary, Sneezer, and Sweetie weren't anywhere on the set itself, but only running the computer consoles beside the main camera.

The director, a grey coyote with a dark blue beret and light-pink sneakers, stepped up to the table and flashed a sign for all to read, "This is the motion capture rehearsal! Places, everytoon!" He stepped out of the "saloon", but within sight of both actors. "Action!" he signed.

The purple skunk then swayed over to the deer buck, fluttering at him and communicating her obvious intentions.

The director signed, "Okay, Vinnie, you hate her. Resist her!"

Vinnie tried to push the skunk away, but she continued getting into his personal space, and even tried to sit on his lap.

"And LINE!"

"Get away from me, woman! I'm a married buck!"

Naturally, the skunkmaid "ignored" him.

"Very good!" Then the canine turned to the computer console operators, "You three, make sure they can see the 'real' bar!"

Mary, Sneezer, and Sweetie scrambled over the controls, and while it was not apparent to the camera, or to any of the rest of the crew, the deer buck and the skunkmaid could see projected on the green screens the actual computer generated image of the rest of the bar they were supposed to be in.

The director continued signing, "Now, Sphinxy, come in!"

A female sphinx, dressed as a farmer's wife in a white and blue dress and shawl, shoved the swinging doors open and stomped inside the saloon.

"Keep coming onto him, Fifi! Now you see her, Sphinxy! And LINE!"

"GET YOUR FILTHY PAWS OFF MY HUSBAND!" roared the chimera.

Fifi turned and saw a very angry sphinx stomping toward her. Both tensed and took fighting stances.

"And she punches you on the jaw, Fifi!"

Sphinxy swung her left fist in an uppercut and "punched" Fifi square on the jaw, who expertly "recoiled" her head, staggered back into the bar, flipped over it…

…and unfortunately fell on her head, knocking herself out. She remained head-down, with her footpaws and tail sticking over the bar.

"Cut! No, no, Fifi, that wasn't right!" With low ears and raised hackles, the director stomped over to the bar and tilted his sign so Fifi could read it from her unusual angle. "You're supposed to jump over the bar, flip over, and then crash into the bottles!" He turned and signed to everytoon else, "Let's try that take again!" He turned, but Fifi wasn't moving. "Hey, I said to do the take again, Fifi!"

He leaned over the bar and signed, "Fifi?" After looking at her unresponsive footpaws and the tiny sphinxes flying over her unconscious head, the director slumped and facepalmed. "What a disaster! Get her to the medical wing, guys."

Several stagehands rushed up, extracted the skunkmaid from the bar, and lifted her into a stretcher.

As they hauled her off, the coyote signed dejectedly, "You'll be okay, Fifi, don't worry!" However, once she was out of the sound stage, the coyote raised his hackles again, slammed his sign on the floor, and brandished another one, "That's just great! We've lost more stunttoons on this movie than on any other! It's gonna take hours to get another one from central casting!" The director removed his beret and rubbed his face and head in frustration, knowing that more lost time meant the movie was soon going to be over-budget—

"Hey, Mr. Coyote, I can do that for you!"

The canine slowly looked up at the African-American girl who had suddenly skated up to him and blurted her very enthusiastic proposal. Naturally, he objected and signed, still with low ears, "You? You're just one of the tech crew."

"That was only part of her job description, yup-yup!" giggled Sneezer, from the console.

The director seemed unfazed. He turned to the girl, "Oh, really? What's your name?"

"Mary Melody, sir, but you may call me Mary," she replied, not missing a beat.

"A wise girl, huh? Okay, we'll give you this chance _only_ because we can't wait for central casting!" He then turned to the rest of the crew and signed, "Get this girl into Fifi's outfit!" Mary hopped for joy and was about to skate to the dressing rooms, but the coyote grasped her arm. With his hackles raised even higher, and now with bared fangs, he signed an uneasy warning: "But just remember, Melody, you _might_ be trading those skates in for wings and a halo!"

Mary gulped, and skated off.

 _Later…_

Mary, now in Fifi's cabaret outfit, _sans_ her skates and wearing black high heels instead, stood next to Vinnie. Both looked at the director, waiting for their cue.

The coyote, now with relaxed features, sat in his chair and signed, "Action!"

The humanmaid donned her best bedroom eyes and began coming on to her "victim", who, naturally, resisted her with disgust:

"Get away from me, woman! I'm a married buck!"

The director signed, "Sphinxy, come in!"

The heroine entered the bar, right on cue: "GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF MY HUSBAND!"

"Now you see her…"

The two females turned to each other, and tensed.

"Yes! And she punches you right on the jaw!"

Mary steeled herself for the "blow", but was quite surprised at how fast Sphinxy could swing. She felt the chimera's knuckle just barely clip her chin, but she still recoiled convincingly at the same time she jumped onto the bar as a "consequence" of the uppercut, flipped over the wood, and kicked hard against the shelves. The prop shelves collapsed and the liquor bottles crashed on her, covering her with prop "alcohol".

"Cut! Perfect!" Wagging his tail and perking his ears, the canine ran up to the bar and added, "Absolutely perfect!" again tilting his sign so Mary could read it.

The actress stood groggily, with little sphinxes flying around her head. Her dizziness was only momentary, because she quickly shook her head and returned to normal.

Just then, Sphinxy bounded up, ears low and a bit worried, "Are you okay there, Mary? I think I swung too far in front of me and—"

"Don't worry, Sphinxy, it's nothing I haven't handled before," she replied, patting the chimera's shoulder reassuringly. Then she dusted a few bits of prop "glass" from her arms, flipped her hair back, and asked the director with definitely much more swag, "Got any more little chores for me in this here movie, and/or any others?"

"Oh, plenty more, girl!" replied the coyote, vigorously shaking her hand, wagging his tail even faster.

 _Later…_

An F-117 Stealth fighter careened out of control and was falling out of the sky, leaving behind a trail of black smoke. But just before it slammed into a hill, a "CUT!" sign flashed on the screen, and the plane suddenly stopped in mid-air, strangely enough, and even more strangely with a "screech" of rubber tires.

"STUNT GIRL!" flashed another sign.

A cherry picker drove up to the floating plane, carrying Mary, now in a grey flight suit, and it lifted her up to the cockpit, which opened and revealed a brown-red ratmaid, who was also wearing the same flight suit with the addition of a helmet. Rhubella stepped out, jumped on the cherry picker and handed the stuntgirl the helmet. The two fist-bumped each other, and as Mary climbed on the cockpit, the cherry picker led Rhubella off camera.

The humanmaid closed the hatch, looked at the director and gave him a thumbs-up.

 _"My roles in these films were polished, cultured, gracious…"_

"ACTION!"

And as was expected, the F-117 slammed into the hill with a monumental explosion.

 _"Oh, and we can't forget that in all those movies, Banjo was, and still is, an inspiration to me: courteous and supportive. A true gentletoon."_

At an outdoor set, next to a very ostentatious white trailer, Banjo 'Possum, donning a dark blue silk bathrobe, was sitting on a tan couch, drinking lemonade from a very tall straw in a very tall glass and calmly waiting for the crew to set up his next scene.

Just then, a very excited and dishevelled Mary ran up to him, her flight suit covered with soot and charred all over from her previous stunt, and she even trailed a few wisps of smoke, too. She extended her hand to him and squealed like a true fan girl, "Hello, Mr. 'Possum! I'm Mary Melody, your new stuntgirl!"

Banjo lowered his ears and eyed her soot-covered hand with disgust, and would have asked Security to shove her off the lot, but unfortunately, she was part of the production crew. Still, he didn't make any move to shake her hand, and just looked away, hoping the new kid would take the hint and leave him alone.

Realising he wasn't going to shake her hand, the stuntgirl simply said, "It…um…it was a real pleasure working with you, Mr. 'Possum. I hope we can later—"

"Hey, Mery! Mery!"

Both turned as a squeaky voice with a heavy Mexican accent called to her.

The coyote director padded up to them, and he was holding in his right paw a very sharply dressed male mouse. With his other paw, he signed, "I want you to meet the producer, Mr. Lightning Rodriguez."

And here, the mouse didn't hesitate to shake the humanmaid's hand…well, index finger, due to the size difference.

She couldn't believe it! _Here he was, in the flesh, not only the producer, but the owner of the whole studio!_

"How do yoo do, _señorita_? I josst saw some footage and asked Calamity here who de stunttoons werre. He sedd dey werre all yoo. I teenk yoo have some rreal talent derre, Mery, so I'm pootteeng yoo and Banjo togedderr een anodderr moovie. Come to my offeece afterr lonnch and we'll worrk out a contract."

At the sound of "contract", Banjo suddenly stood, ears stiff, in total shock. He was about to ask Lightning what he thought he was doing, pairing him up with an unknown stuntgirl who thought she was an actress, but Calamity carried him off before he could open his mouth.

As the two left, Mary called out, "Wow, thanks, Mr. Rodriguez! Thank you so much!"

At that, the marsupial turned and was about to tell her off…

 _Maybe it was the way the sun shone behind her, maybe it was the way she smiled, maybe it was the way her eyes twinkled with the reflectors, maybe it was the way her hair waved in the breeze, but now, despite being covered with soot, all of that triggered something in Banjo._

 _Something_ primal.

He smiled, perked his ears, and he was suddenly very, _very_ polite and suave with her now.

"Well, ain't yew the lucky girl today?" he asked, giving her _his_ best bedroom eyes. "Tell me, Miss Melody, are yew doin' anythin' after yewr talk with Mr. Rodriguez?"

She smiled, dusted herself slightly, tossed her hair, and looked tenderly at her new co-star, "You know, Mr. 'Possum, I was about to ask you the exact same thing…" she raised her hand and was about to caress his cheek, "…but unfortunately, I'm going to be very busy the next few weeks, working with you, of course."

Smiling smugly, Mary walked away, quite proud of herself.

Not to be outdone, however, Banjo, now very enraged, brandished a remote control and pressed a button.

Moments later, the stuntgirl was flattened by a very large anvil, and the marsupial fell back on his futon, laughing like a maniac…

The flashback dissolved back to the Chinese Theatre, where Mary Melody finished her tale:

"Banjo and I have had the same amazing working partnership since then. But what I want to emphasise most of all is that I continue living up to what my parents taught me: 'Dignity. Always dignity'."

The crowd cheered at her story, while Miss Heartless wrapped things up, "Thank you, Mary! I'm sure that you and Banjo will make even more movie history tonight, in your greatest movie so far, _Snatched From The Wind_!"

The crowd cheered again, and the stars, producers, directors, and production crew filed into the theatre among falling confetti, streamers, and camera flashes.

* * *

 _Later…_

The crowd inside the theatre, all donning their polarized 3D glasses, sat entranced as the movie approached its climactic moment.

 _The screen displayed an American 19th century mansion that had obviously seen better days. All the decorations were smashed and all the walls were riddled with bullet holes, and the brown paint on the walls was peeling everywhere. Inside, next to the large stairs, Banjo, dressed as a Union soldier, and Mary, dressed as a landowner with a floor-length dark blue dress, were in a firefight against a platoon of Confederate soldiers, all human save for the leader, who was a large shaggy canine-feline hybrid, with light brown fur, red headfur, a white muzzle, brown ears, and green eyes._

 _The "Union soldier" was mostly a spectator at this point. He was obviously heavily wounded, lying down next to the stairs, and limply holding a pistol, futilely trying to aim it at any Confederate who came too close._

 _It was the "landowner" who was in most of the action, for over her torso she had two bandoliers, a twin holster was around her waist, and two rifles were strapped over her shoulders. And on her hands was a third rifle, complete with a bayonet._

 _The first Confederate soldier burst through the door, only to be felled by the bayonet. The second one went down as she fired the rifle, and as more and more soldiers entered through the doors and windows, the "landowner" picked them off one by one._

 _"GET THE NEGRO!" barked-roared the Confederate platoon leader._

 _That word seemed to trigger even_ more _fury on the "landowner", and she steeled herself to counterattack with a fierceness that no Confederate soldier had seen before._

 _The canine-feline was unfazed, "We'll stretch your neck_ after _you've 'served' the entire Second Cavalry! A HA HA HA HA HA!"_

 _A shot from her pistol blew his cap off, silencing him. "That's only_ if _you have anything left for me to 'serve' you with, you rebel slaver!" she growled._

 _The "rebel slaver" dove for cover behind a wall and let his men attack. From his angle, he could see her strategy perfectly: she was able to pick off his soldiers with her multiple one-shot weapons, and even saved her ammunition by using the rifles of the downed men. She seemed to have eyes on the back of her head, too, because no one could get a clear shot at her. Grinning, yet bristling his exposed fur, he reloaded his rifle, and waited._

In the audience, a young rooster in a turquoise long-sleeved shirt drooled, "She's so hot…I think I'm gonna [CENSORED] shoot myself and have myself stuffed just for her."

 _The "landowner" had just finished killing the last of the platoon, so she dropped her empty weapons, and her chest heaved as she gasped for air. "J…Jimmy?" she asked, looking around for her lover._

 _Just then, the platoon leader emerged, pointing his rifle at her. "That was quite a show you put there, Negro," the "landowner" stiffened and glared at him, but there was no escape now. "Unfortunately, I have the only bullet left in this house. Don't worry, I ain't gonna kill you here and now. I need to capture you alive and bring you to General Lee himself to collect my reward. You've been quite a pain in the #### for the Confederacy for three years, but not even Grant nor Lincoln can save you now."_

 _The "landowner" looked around and smirked, "And what makes you think I'm waiting on Grant or Lincoln to save me, slaver?"_

 _[BANG!]_

 _The officer's pristine grey jacket was suddenly stained with a red splotch on the chest area. His eyes widened in surprise, and then he fell face down, dead._

 _The "landowner" then rushed over to "Jimmy", who was holding limply his smoking gun._

 _He weakly turned to her, and wheezed, "He was wrong bout th' 'last' bullet…!" He tried to laugh, but it turned into a cough that caused many in the audience to flinch. "Ugh…th'army life…ain't f'r me…Ah think Ah'll…be a stableboy again…it's safer…"_

 _"Oh, Jimmy, you never stop joking, do you?" asked the "landowner", holding him close to start dressing his wounds. "Oh, no, you're more badly hurt than I thought!"_

 _"Ah…don't you worry, Emma my luv…yew've…given me plenty o'reasons…t'stay alive…remember our promise…we're gonna grow old together t'see th'next century begin…!"_

 _"Emma" had to wait for him to stop coughing, and then she gently held his head and whispered, "I love you, my dearest James…"_

 _She didn't wait for him to reply, and simply kissed him full-on, as the words "THE END" faded on the screen, and then the camera zoomed out to an aerial shot of the mansion before dissolving to black and letting the credits roll…_

The audience was clapping and cheering from the moment of the kiss, and the lights turned on while the credits were still rolling. A red curtain closed over the screen, and the audience exploded into an even louder ovation as Mary Melody and Banjo 'Possum skated out from stage right.

 _Or more exactly, it was Mary who led Banjo out, and again she skated with angelic grace, while he rolled along with minimal movement._

They rolled to a stop at centre stage, and for a moment it looked like Banjo wanted to twirl in place, but Mary's expert arms and hands held him still.

"Thank you, ladies and gentlemen!" she began. "Thank you, thank you, thank you! We're completely awed at your response to _Snatched From The Wind_!"

Her partner again tried to twirl, but she didn't let him move. He simply added with happy ears, "Ayeeup! We had plenty o'fun makin' it, an' we hope all y'all had fun seein' it tonight!"

Again he tried to twirl, and again he was held in place. The actress finished, "Thank you once again for coming tonight, and thank _you_ for making this the number one movie of this year! We would be nowhere without our loving fans! Thank you so much!"

"Ayeeup! Thank yew awl!"

The duo bowed amid an outpouring of flowers and streamers, and again Mary led Banjo out, exiting stage left.

Backstage, the two rolled to a stop again, just before Sneezer climbed up on Mary's left shoulder and Sweetie perched on her right, to hug her face.

"Hot diggity, you two, yup-yup!" said the mouse.

"It's a SMASH! Isn't it, Mr. Rodriguez?" chirped the canarymaid.

All turned to see Calamity come up, again carrying the producer in his paw.

"Mery, yoo werre beeooteefool. Banjo, yoo werre a hunk!"

Sneezer chuckled and added, "Yeah, Banjo, you looked good…for a guy…yup-yup!"

At that, the opossum stomped—and almost face-planted himself on the floor, since he forgot that he was still wearing skates. It took him a few seconds to regain his balance, and when he did, he growled with flattened ears, "F'r cryin' out loud! Whut's th'big idea? Cain't a guy skate by hisself without _her_ holdin' mah paw awl th'tahm!?" His Louisiana accent got heavier the more agitated he became. "They're _mah_ audience too, yew know!"

Calamity signed, "Banjo, the publicity department thought it would be better if Mary led your public 'processions', after all, she's much more experienced with the skates than you are."

"Whut does _that_ have t'do wit' anythin'?" he spat like a spoiled child. Fuming, he sat on a chair and began removing his skates.

Calmly, Mr. Rodriguez explained, "Banjo, yoo'rre a good lookeeng guy. Audee-ences teenk yoo can skate as well as yoo look. We've got to keep ourr estarrs frrom lookeeng rreedeeculous at any cost."

"No one's got _that_ much money, nope-nope!" giggled Sneezer, and his two female friends covered their mouths as they tried to stifle a few chuckles of their own.

"That don't make a lick o'sense! Ah mean, whut's wrong with th'way Ah skate? Am Ah lame 'r somethin'?"

"No! It's josst dat Mery has much morre expeerience dan yoo and—"

"Next tahm, gimme some skatin' moves! Ah could flow with them without help, if'n Ah really tried!"

"Sure. Why don't you GO OUT now and DANCE along with the Dance Dance Revolution X21 ULTRA?!" chirped the canarymaid.

Banjo stood, fur bristling, and waved his black skates at the tiny tech crew, "Whut da heyell do yew two know about this, yew computer geeks? Are yew two anybodies?" He fumed for a moment, and then looked at his co-star, who was trying very hard not to take offense at his outburst. Seeing that, he softened a bit, relaxed his features, and asked her, "Li'l Mary, how can yew let yewr 'friends' talk t'me, your _fiancEE_ , lahk that?"

At that, Mary balked.

"My _fia_ —! Now, Banjo," she chided, as if she were talking to an elementary public school student, "you've been reading those troll blogs again, haven't you? Dearest Banjo, you really shouldn't believe all that hogwash that Mary Heartless and the blogs keep posting; all of that is just a waste of bandwidth." She held his shoulders gently, and spoke slowly, as if he were a bureaucrat, "Now, _please_ understand this: There is nothing between us. There has _never_ been anything between us. There _will never be_ anything between us, okay?"

"Aw, Li'l Mary, yew don't mean that," he caressed her cheek with a rough paw, looking at her with bedroom eyes— "OW!" Mary's gentle hold on his shoulders suddenly became a death-grip, making the male flinch in pain and jolt himself out of her reach. Still, he was unfazed at that, and continued, "Now, come on! We're gonna be late f'r Mr. Rodriguez's premiere party!"

Seeing her predicament, Calamity signed in her rescue, "You two should leave separately in order to break up the fan mob outside. Let's go!"

Reluctantly, Banjo agreed, but just before he left, he squeezed Mary's left cheek and said, "Later, Li'l Mary! See yew there! Ah'll be countin' th'seconds!" Blowing her a kiss, the annoying opossum left, along with the producer and director, leaving Mary and her two mini-friends alone backstage.

The humanmaid crossed her arms and scoffed, "'Li'l Mary'. Can't that guy take the most 'gentle' of hints?"

Sweetie looked at her, "What, haven't you heard? He's IRRESISTIBLE!"

"Yeah, he told us so himself, yup-yup!"

Mary stomped expertly, despite still having her skates on. "UGH! I can't get him out of my hair. This _faux_ romance is nothing but a publicity stunt! Why can't he understand that?"

"The price of fame, Mary, yup-yup," said Sneezer, sadly, lowering his ears.

"Yeah, when you've got glory, then you've got to take the little HEARTACHES that go with it. Now look at US!"

The actress looked at her friends.

"We've got no GLORY—"

"We've got no fame, nope-nope—"

"We've got no BIG MANSIONS—"

"We've got no money!"

"NO! But we've got…" The two thought for a moment, and Sweetie asked, "Uh…what HAVE we got?"

The African-American shrugged, "I don't know, what have you two got?"

Sneezer suddenly realized, "We've gotta get out of here, yup-yup!"

Mary looked at her watch, winced, and quickly skated out to the parking lot.


	4. Ni – …And The Actor

**NI – …AND THE ACTOR**

The night-lit streets of Los Angeles saw a red convertible compact hover-sedan scrape the pavement a few times as its turbines, instead of whining, downright bawled. The car bounced several more times before suddenly losing its lift altogether, and ground to a halt next to the sidewalk.

"Don't tell me," sighed Mary, now with a black satin coat over her gown. She slumped behind the steering wheel in defeat, "It's a busted repulsor magnet."

Sneezer, with low ears, scrambled over the controls and squeaked, "I can't understand it, nope-nope!"

"Yeah! This car hasn't given us any problems for nearly SIX HOURS!" added his girlfriend.

The humanmaid tried to start the turbines again, but the car was most definitely dead. "You two should really get a professional to look at this instead of that 'discount' rabbit mechanic who doesn't know what he's doing 90 percent of the time. And it looks like we're going to have to flag down a cab…and call a tow truck."

She stepped out of the vehicle—now wearing shoes instead of her trademark skates—and pulled out her phone, but before the hologram projector could activate—

"Hey, there's Mary Melody!"

—a small group of teenage males of several species saw her, and immediately began crowding her after one of them pointed her out.

The actress, naturally, tried not to make eye contact in order to focus on her phone. Still, she gave a polite, "Hi, boys!" which unfortunately was her undoing.

"Hey, give me an autograph!"

"Me too!"

"Can you sign my tail?"

"And my butt after you're done with him?

She tried to ignore their requests, which were getting more and more lewd by the moment, and the males were getting disturbingly more and more aggressive with each second.

"I want a souvenir!"

"No! Give it to ME!"

"No, to ME!"

And now they were visibly manhandling her and pulling on her attire.

"Patience, boys! I'm kinda in the middle of something! Hey, HEY, STOP THAT! You're tearing my coat!" Now genuinely worried, she turned to her friends, who were still inside the car, and shouted, "Sweetie, Sneezer, do something! Call me a taxi!"

The bird and the rodent looked at each other, realised that two toons their size were no match against a hormone-crazed mob, shrugged, and replied simultaneously, "Okay, you're a taxi."

"Ugh, geez, thanks a lot, you two! No, not the coat!" The testosterone-riddled gang finally tore it from her shoulders, and like a school of piranhas, descended on it and began tearing it apart, each one trying to get a piece of it as a souvenir.

Realizing that they were no longer looking at her and that this was her perfect chance to escape, Mary spun in place, and when she stopped, she was once again wearing her skates. She skated out onto traffic, right behind a hover tow truck. Putting to use all those stuntgirl lessons she acquired over the years, she grabbed the hook cable and swung herself onto the platform. Then she saw a white and blue LADOT hoverbus on the left of the truck, and using the open windows as footholds, she climbed up to the roof of the bus, and stood carefully.

All while still wearing her skates.

 _Education works wonders,_ she thought.

Quickly assessing her situation, she knew she had to jump off before the driver, or anytoon else for that matter, noticed her and then the bus would be forced to stop and she would have to give explanations—

She then saw a dark blue Smart Fortwo hover convertible coming up on the opposite lane, so she braced herself, and with impeccable timing, jumped off the roof of the hoverbus and landed squarely on the passenger seat.

There she saw that the vehicle was being driven by a somewhat barrel-shaped male jaguar in a solid black t-shirt.

Being a feline, naturally, the jaguar was startled. He raised his hackles, lowered his ears, puffed out his tail, and roared in fright, barely managing to keep his car from careening into the sidewalk, or worse, onto oncoming traffic.

Knowing that she was now in even bigger trouble, Mary raised her palms at him and pleaded, "Sir, keep driving! I'll explain everything in a moment! I—!"

Things turned from bad to worse when she saw him take his left paw off the wheel and reach into his waist.

 _And pull out a black pistol and point it at her._

"Listen, you!" he snarled, "I'm not gonna let myself get carjacked without a fight, you hear?!"

 _Mary inwardly cursed the politicians who streamlined gun ownership restrictions in California._

She raised her hands even higher, showing him that she had no weapons, "I'm not carjacking you! I mean you no harm! I'm unarmed, see?"

The jaguar was unfazed, "Oh, really? You suddenly drop from nowhere and you don't want to hurt me? Well then, I'm sure you'll have no problems disappearing the same way you just appeared, and you'd better do it now before I call the police!"

The humanmaid's struggle to remain calm was losing ground, "Oh, no, no, no! You don't need to call anyone! Look, just keep driving for a few more blocks, and I'll let myself out!"

The panther didn't stop growling, nor did he pull his pistol away from her torso. "You picked the wrong car to rob, babe!"

The actress wanted to rub her face in frustration, but she didn't dare move her hands. "No! I'm not robbing you at all! I'm no criminal! Look, if you just put your gun away and slow down, I'll explain myself and maybe even give you a bit of compensation for your—"

The male cocked his gun and crossed his left arm under his right in order to press the muzzle of the pistol against Mary's ribs.

Naturally, she gasped in fright.

The feline continued growling, "Do I look stupid to you? Do you really think I don't know about all the stuff you black people are doing to us Latinos? You suddenly jump into my car and you expect me to believe you aren't a…" He turned, and looked closer at his very frightened "assailant". "Waittaminute," he grumbled. "Don't I know you? You're…" Mary was about to relax, now that he "recognised" her, but for some reason, the panther growled even louder as his anger increased. "You _are_ a criminal! I've seen your face somewhere before! You're a…" he sought for the right word, and roared, "You're a terrorist!"

"What? No! Let me explain—!"

"I _knew_ I've seen your ugly face before! I've seen your mug shot in my newsfeed! Or was it on TV? Well, it was one of those! And you thought you could just fall into my car and turn it into a bomb?"

Mary closed her eyes and calmly replied, "Sir—"

[WHAM!]

Suddenly, her face smashed against the dashboard as the Hover Smart dropped to an abrupt stop.

As she rubbed her pained nose, she heard the jaguar growl, "POLICE! This crazy girl jumped right into my car and—!"

"Dahh, it's Mary Melody!"

The actress looked up and saw that the jaguar had stopped next to a very fat street cop whose nametag said "Ralph", whose stomach was bulging out of his pants and shirt buttons, and who had obviously recognised her immediately. As to why the policeman didn't seem fazed at the sight of a jaguar holding a gun, she turned and saw that the feline had his left paw, and the pistol, hidden between the seat and the door.

The panther turned to her, raised an eyebrow, and asked without growling, "Mary Melody?"

"Dahh, how are you, Miss Melody?" asked the policeman, politely tipping his hat to her. "Out for a joyride this fine evening?"

Straightening herself and rubbing her nose a little more, she replied with relief, "Just a brief lift, officer. My car broke down a few blocks back, and I unfortunately got surrounded by a mob of—"

The policeman laughed and pointed at the feline, "Dahh, you're a lucky guy there, coming to her rescue. Say, is anything wrong?"

Mary shrugged, smiled at her impromptu _chauffeur_ , and replied, "No, nothing wrong here."

Glaring at her, then at the policeman, and then at the dashboard, the onça reluctantly relaxed his features and reluctantly added, "No, officer. For a moment I thought that my GPS had crashed and I was about to ask for directions, but it was a minor glitch. Thank you for your service, though. Have a good evening."

"Good evening, officer," the African-American smiled again.

The policeman tipped his hat at both of them, and wobbled off.

As the two watched him leave, the humanmaid and the jaguar sighed in relief, and breathed deeply as they calmed down from their joint fright. With resignation, the panther tucked away his pistol back on the front of his waist.

Mary rubbed her aching nose one more time, and sighed, "Well, thank you for saving my life, and what was left of my dignity, sir. I'll get out and leave you alone now, and pardon me once again for all the trouble."

Suddenly, the male turned to her and said, "Um, well, I…I'm driving to Hollywood Hills. Can I…may I take you to your original destination? And perhaps call a tow truck for your car?"

She smiled at him and replied, "My friends are taking care of the car now, don't worry about that. However, I _would_ like to get out of this dishevelled dress, if you're going by Cahuenga and Ione?" she quickly added.

He seemed surprised at the mention of the streets. "Why, yes, yes I am." And with what was obviously an embarrassed silence, the jaguar turned on his Hover Smart and drove off.

Mary, naturally, could tell that he was very embarrassed, for his ears remained low and he kept to himself for several blocks, so she decided to ease him out of it. "Can I…may I…have the pleasure of knowing whose hospitality I'm enjoying this lovely evening?"

Startled, her impromptu _chauffeur_ stuttered, still with low ears, "Um…I'm…J.A.M. The J.A.M."

"Pleased to meet you, Mr. J.A.M. I'm so terribly sorry I scared you, dropping into your car the way I did." She examined her tousled dress, "I was getting a little too much 'love and attention' from my adoring fans."

He turned, and saw her straightening her dress. "Is that's what you were running away from? Your 'fans' did that to you? Why, that…that's terrible!" he growled again.

She felt relieved that his pantheresque displeasure was directed at her assailants instead of her. She turned to him again, but suddenly froze.

 _Maybe it was the way the streetlights glistened in his orange eyes, maybe it was the way his frown was directed against those who tried to harm her, or maybe it was the way his voice resonated in the nocturnal air…_

 _…but his scowl, his growling, and his bared teeth, now directed against a mob…_

 _…made her feel safe…_

 _…and protected…_

 _…VERY protected._

Jolting herself back into reality, she replied, "Um…yes. Yes, it is, isn't it?"

The jaguar nodded, and continued driving quietly. Mary noticed that he had quite handsome features, and his build, from what she could see with him sitting down, seemed to enhance his body type. He wasn't a mountain of muscle, like Arnold, and not a twig, either, like some coyotes she knew, and of course he wasn't a butterball, like that policeman, but instead seemed quite like the type of furry toon whom she would like to cuddle, like a plushie.

She wasn't sure if he'd like to cuddle back, however, because for some reason, he was just sitting there, driving.

And keeping his distance.

And keeping his ears lowered.

Not to mention that he was the first male in a long time who neither threw himself at her feet (he couldn't anyway, because he was driving), nor try to manhandle her.

Nor put an arm around her.

Nor flirt with her.

Nor look into her eyes, oddly enough.

 _She wasn't losing her charm, was she?_

Or maybe it was because of the species difference?

 _Well, only one way to find out…_

Mary continued with a dramatic tirade, "It _is_ terrible," she sighed, leaning closer. "We movie stars may get the glory," she quoted her friends, "but unfortunately, we have to take the little heartaches that go with it," she leaned even closer, pressing her body against his right side. "Everytoon thinks we lead lives of glamour and romance and nonstop parties, but…we're really…lonely," she leaned her head on his shoulder, a _very_ solid shoulder, she noticed. "So…terribly lonely—"

The jaguar wasn't dense, and of course he noticed her putting the moves on him, so he suddenly raised his ears and said, "Miss Melody, I can't tell you how sorry I am for labelling you a terrorist. But you didn't exactly give me much choice, considering the circumstances. And I knew I'd seen you before, somewhere…" he trailed off.

She continued leaning against his shoulder, "Oh, of course you have, hun, in my movies! How many of them have you seen so far?"

The jaguar thought.

And thought.

And thought some more.

 _Wow, he has to do mental calculations to answer that?_ she thought excitedly.

"Wow, movies…man…" he finally replied, confusing her slightly. Before she could ask anything, he pondered, "…when was the last time I saw a movie?"

Unpleasantly surprised, she looked at him, "Huh? What? You don't watch movies?"

"Oh, I used to…a long time ago, but after a while I simply gave up on the entire movie industry in general. But I think I saw a trailer of one of _your_ movies, though."

"A _trailer_?!" she blurted, straightening up.

"Yeah, I think you were…shooting someone. And there was…some guy…um…" he snapped his fingers, trying to remember, "…a marsupial…Banjo 'Possum! But yeah, I don't watch movies anymore. It's gotten to the point where if you've seen one, you've seen them all."

Slumping back on her seat, the actress crossed her arms and huffed, "Gee, thanks a lot!"

"Oh, no offense, Miss Melody. I suppose movies exist to entertain everytoon else, but today's actors and actresses simply don't impress me anymore! I mean, why are they still called _actors_ when they simply don't _act_? They just stand in front a green screen and recite lines from a teleprompter. No real set, no emotions, and if they make a mistake, they simply do another take, and if it's a _really_ big mistake, well, it's nothing that can't be photoshopped over on post-production. I'm quite sure you know all that, right?"

Now taking offense, she turned to him, leaning against her door, "You mean, you think that's all I do?"

The J.A.M. raised an eyebrow and replied, "Oh, please, it's not as if it's an industrial secret. And it's not just that. The whole storytelling itself has gone down the toilet since the turn of the century. I mean, right now—and you should know this first hand—Hollywood is cranking out remake after remake, remakes _of_ remakes, movies of how movies were made, _remakes_ of how those movies were made, movies of _every single Shakespeare play_ placed in _every single time period known to man and toon_ —and their remakes—movies of every single television series in history—and their remakes, can't forget that—all those 3D conversions of every single movie made since the beginning of time— _and_ their remakes—and there's not one single video game out there—no matter how simple, and this includes all those Flash™ games, mind you—that hasn't appeared on the big screen. With the corresponding remake, of course," he chided. "And again, I know that _you_ know this first hand, but everytoon knows that Hollywood ran out of original ideas _years_ ago!"

Fuming, it was her turn to growl, "Oh, really? Well, Mister Movie Critic From Hell, how did you arrive at _that_ dismal conclusion?"

The jaguar simply turned to her, and calmly replied, "Four words, Miss Melody: _Pac-Man: The Movie_." [youtu be/fWL6j0SvqV0]

At that, the actress winced, and looked away.

Mercifully, the feline stopped and parked his car. "And here we are, Cahuenga and Ione."

Mary looked up at the street sign, and was about to step out, but she suddenly decided that she wasn't going to leave without a fight. She turned to the jaguar again and huffed, "Now just hold on there a moment, sugar, let's back up a little bit. Did you imply earlier that I'm not an actress? Green screens and teleprompters isn't acting?"

"Of course not! True acting means great parts, wonderful lines, and speaking beautifully crafted words from Shakespeare and Andrew Lloyd Webber!" he replied somewhat dreamily.

Balling her fists, she countered, "Oh, really? Well, my dear sir, tell me, what's your lofty mission in life that allows you to sneer so freely at my humble acting profession?"

Smiling smugly at her, he countered, "Oh, no, no, no, Miss Melody. Let's clarify one thing first: no, _you_ are not an actress. You're a _celebrity_. _I_ am an _actor_."

Now the humanmaid was downright fuming, and her face darkened even more with rage.

He leaned toward her and added, "A _stage_ actor. No green screens, no teleprompters, only _one take_ to get it right, and a _real_ set on the stage. And not just _any_ stage: _the 360-degree stage_ , mind you. If there is one thing that has benefited theatre plays, it's the new double amphitheatre setup. With movies, even 3D movies, no matter how many times you see them, they're still there, in front of you, exactly the same every single time. But with a play on the 360-degree stage, if a fan chooses the seating correctly, he or she can see a play no less than 360 times, and all those times he or she will get a different point of view of that exact same play. And that's where I'm working now," he said smugly.

There she saw her opening to counterattack, "Oh, so you're working on the 360-degree stage?" She had heard of the new setup popping up in theatres, but never gave that much thought. "Well, I'd _love_ to see you _act_ , then, Mister _Actor_! What company are you with? I could brush up on my King's English, or bring along an interpreter—that is, if they'd let in a _celebrity_ like me into such a refined establishment!"

Wincing slightly and twitching his ears back a bit, the jaguar knew he was losing control of the argument. "Um…well, I'm not in a play just yet, but I will be in a month or two!" he quickly added. "You see, I'll be going to New York in a few—"

"Broadway!" Mary interrupted with mock excitement. "And then someday we'll all hear of you, won't we?" She looked up and pointed at an imaginary ad drone, "The J.A.M. as Romeo! As General Macbeth! As Christine Daaé!" Then she pointed out, "You'll have to wear lipstick for that last one, of course! Ha ha ha ha!"

He scoffed, "Bah, you can laugh all you want, _Miss Celebrity_ , but at least the 360-degree stage is a dignified profession!"

"…Dignified…" she growled.

"And really, I was hoping that _all_ those rumours I've heard that _all_ celebrities are _prima donnas_ were just that: rumours, but your attitude isn't exactly helping your cause! In fact, you just confirmed what I've known all along." He held the wheel with one paw, leaned closer, flattened his ears, and growled, "You're nothing but a computer generated image on film. Nothing but CGI! You're not flesh and blood like the _true_ actors of old!"

That was the kicker that sent her rage into overdrive. She channelled it to her acting abilities to challenge his assumption: "Oh, I'm not?" she suddenly asked, giving him her best bedroom eyes, leaned closer…

 _…and scratched his cheek ruffs, hoping to get him purring._

"Prrrrrrrrrrrrrhey! Knock it off!" he growled-purred, squirming to get away from this crazy female.

The "celebrity" didn't let up, and now scratched behind his right ear. "What are you so worried about, kitty? I can't do anything to you. I'm only a 'CGI'," she winked at him, caressing the back of his head.

"Get away from me!" he now grabbed her arms and tried to push her away. "You celebrities and your wild parties and swimming pools and snorting cocaine and bazillion dollar mansions and trading spouses non-stop! You think that with all that you expect every single male to throw their coats in front of you, don't you?"

The humanmaid was now rubbing her knee against his leg. "Aw, don't tell me you want chivalry to be dead, you cute kitty you—"

"RROOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"

The panther's sudden outburst was enough to press Mary back against the passenger door.

Deciding he had enough, she daintily let herself out of the car, but not without a final quip. She raised her left hand to her head, slowly rolled in place, and recited:

"Fear not, fair lad!

I will not seduce you!

I am but a humble jester. And you?

You are too far above me.

Farewell, 'Michael Crawford'.

 _May you see things well done there:_ adieu _!_

 _Lest our old robes sit easier than our new!"_

With a huff, she slammed shut the car door, and skated off.

[RIIIIIIIIIPPP!]

Unfortunately, the door closed on the hem of her dress, so as she rolled away, the fabric tore, turning her full-length gown into an impromptu miniskirt.

At that, The J.A.M. perked his ears and guffawed, "Hey, lady, be careful over there! This ain't the red light district! A HA HA HA HA HA!" And with that, he drove away.

Mary fumed as she saw him disappear into the night. Once the Hover Smart was out of sight, however, she spun in place, and her dress was as good as new once more.

 _Education works wonders…_

* * *

The jaguar didn't drive too far away, however. After turning two corners, he drove up to a closed gate, obviously a back door to a rather huge mansion, and stopped next to an intercom post set up on the sidewalk of the driveway. He leaned out his window and spoke to it, "Is this Lightning Rodriguez's house? I'm one of the guys of Club Panthera."

A few LED's of several colours flashed on the intercom, and a voice replied from it, "Ah, yes, the floor show. ID, please."

The J.A.M. pulled out a card and held it against the laser scanner. Moments later, all the LED's on the machine turned green.

"Around the back, please," added the voice, as the gates opened autonomously.

"Thank you, sir." With that, the jaguar drove inside the mansion, the gates closing moments later.

* * *

It was a huge mansion, despite being occupied by a very small mouse. That was because his employees wouldn't be able to fit in a standard mouse residence, no matter how ostentatious _those_ could get. The architecture was Spanish colonial, with white and cream tones, smooth columns, and cedar wood furniture.

The premiere party inside the large hall was a typical Hollywood one: there was dance mix music blaring from a huge stereo, allowing couples to show off their moves on the dance floor; specifically, one black wolf in a black tux and one brown-red rat in a dark purple dress who were cutting a rug with a house dance routine, while a few other couples were trying to keep up with their moves.

Calamity, again carrying his boss, watched them for a while, and signed, "Nice little party, Mr. Rodriguez."

"Tennk yoo, Calamity. Bott I wonderr wherre Mery ees…"

Banjo, unsurprisingly, wasn't dancing, but instead was leaning against a wall and enjoying the attention that quite a number of females of several species were giving him: a skunkmaid, a sphinxmaid, a white humanmaid, a deer doe, a spotted hyenamaid, a few micemaids on his shoulders, and even an alligatormaid.

Sneezer and Sweetie, meanwhile, were standing on a white grand piano, and a tall orange rabbit doe in a green dress with a green bow on the base of her lop ears, was leaning down to speak to them with a somewhat annoyingly nasal voice, "Sneezer, Sweetie, do you really think you can get me in the movies?"

The couple looked at each other, and shrugged. Sneezer replied, "I should think so, yup-yup."

"Really?"

"Sure! We can buy you a TICKET for any show you want! Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee…" The doe fumed while the tiny tech crew giggled together.

Just then, Mary Melody made her sudden entrance and skated into the hall. No sooner had she arrived when just about every single male at the party surrounded her and began complimenting her:

"Hey, there's Mary! The movie was great!"

"Yeah, I just loved it!"

"You and Banjo were awesome!"

She was about to tell them to back off, but a sudden scrambling of tiny foot-paws up the outside of her dress silenced her. Moments later, Sneezer stood on her left shoulder while Sweetie alighted on her right.

"Well, that took you LONG ENOUGH!"

"Mary, did you take the scenic route around New Zealand, huh-huh?"

The humanmaid just sighed. "Hello, Sweetie, Sneezer." Then she turned to all the males and waved them off, "Excuse me for a moment, gentletoons, I'll be right with you." Holding her friends steady, she skated away from the testosterone factory and the loudspeakers, and stood next to a column where it was relatively quiet. Glancing around for a moment, she spoke with somewhat less confidence than usual, "Sweetie, Sneezer, listen…well…just…please tell me the truth. Am I…"

Despite all the awards, all the fans, and all the money, she had to ask this question:

 _"…am I a good actress?"_

Her two friends, naturally, balked at her seemingly ridiculous question, and the mouse even lowered his ears in confusion.

"What? What are you TALKING ABOUT? You're not only good, you're GREAT!"

"Yup-yup! As long as we all work for Rodriguez Brothers, you're the greatest of them all, Mary! Uhuh-uhuh!"

 _Typical of her best friends to have such a high opinion of her._

"Guys, I'm not joking around! Now, you two are my best friends, so you can tell it to me straight! And please, be honest with me! Am I really a good actress?"

Sweetie hovered in front of her, "What's the MATTER with you? Of COURSE you're good!" She couldn't understand why such a successful actress suddenly seemed to doubt her talent.

The African-American shook her head slightly. The jaguar's words weren't going away, and despite his rudeness, he had hit home quite a few times, and told her a number of facts that she had successfully kept safely tucked away on the back of her mind until tonight. "Well, I think you'd better tell me that on a regular basis from now on. I'm a bit shaken up right now. You see—"

"Mery!" Calamity and his boss stepped up, interrupting her.

"Hello, Mr. Rodriguez. Another successful party."

"Mery, eet's colossal. Wherre have yoo been? We've been holdeeng de show josst for yoo—!"

"Tharr yew are, Lil' Mary!"

Lightning was interrupted by "the world's most irresistible marsupial". Waddling to Mary's side, he asked with suaveness, "Where've yew been? Ah was getting' lonely here, awl by mahself…"

The actress just rolled her eyes, "Hello, Banjo."

Before the actor could start coming on to her, Lightning intervened again. "And now dat yoo'rre herre, we can estarrt. Estop de myooseec!" Instantly, the stereo stopped blaring the dance remix, and all the dancing couples froze in mid-step, and in mid-air, in some cases. Moments later, they straightened up and turned toward their boss. Calamity and Lightning led the couple to the centre of the hall, and spoke, "Togederr again, my two leettle esstarrs: Banjo and Mery. Dey'rre rreally wonderrfool, aren't dey?" He gave a brief applause, and his guests followed his example, except for Calamity, who was still holding him. "Now, eef evereetoon comes dees way, I have a very espeshal moovie I want yoo to see."

The guests looked at each other, shrugged, and followed the coyote and mouse into another room.

" _Another_ movie? We just _saw_ a movie!" complained Mary.

"Hey, you've gotta show a MOVIE at Hollywood parties," huffed Sweetie.

"Yeah, I hear it's a California law now, yup-yup!"

"Maybe, but I'm starting to get a _major_ dislike for Hollywood part—"

She stopped when she entered the next room.

"Strange, I didn't know Mr. Rodriguez had remodelled his house," she quipped, looking at the new addition.

The room was huge and circular. Arranged like a boxing arena, several rows of seats were arranged in rings around a white central and circular platform the size of a dinner table.

And then Mary realised what she was looking at:

 _A 360-degree theatre._

A "small" home version, of course, not the huge double amphitheatres that had been opening recently.

Still, she and the rest of the guests took their seats as Calamity padded down one aisle and placed Lightning on the platform, and then the coyote ran up the aisle toward a control panel in the middle of the outermost ring of seats. On the centre stage, Lightning explained, "Leesten, evereetoon, pleese seet down, I have two sorrprises for yoo oll tonight. Dees ees goeeng to blow yoorr minds, I guarantee eet. A crazy toon has been comeeng eento my offeece forr months and…well, why don't I josst show yoo?" The rodent looked up and called out, "Do yoo have dat wachamacalleet worrkeeng, Cal?"

The canid signed, "All set, Mr. Rodriguez."

The murid nodded and said, "Okay, rronn eet!" and jumped off the platform.

Mary sat back and watched with uneasy curiosity as the room's lights dimmed, and several projectors on the edges of the platform came to life and shone on its centre.

And then, to her unspeakable surprise, along with that of all the other guests, an image of Lightning Rodriguez appeared where the projectors' lights converged.

Lightning's form stood straight and said, "Hello. Dees ees a demmostrayshon of a 360-deegree moovie. Note dat eet ees a perrfect non-transparent non-aleeased non-peexelated 24 meelleeon colourr 360-deegree hologram of myself. Note dat I even generate shadows, and dat I'm talkeeng een fooll v20 Binaural Surround Sound™."

Not only that, but the rodent's form was "walking" around the platform, enabling all the spectators to see both his face and tail at one point or another.

"Is that Mr. Rodriguez?" asked Banjo.

"Wasn't he on the platform just now?" added Sphinxy.

The African-American couldn't believe what she was seeing. Hoping this was all a prank, she called out, "Mr. Rodriguez, that's your real self down there. We just saw Calamity put you there."

"Oh, no. I'm rright herre."

The humanmaid yelped and almost whacked her boss off the top of the chair he was standing on, namely, the one on her right, because he had replied right on her ear.

The hologram concluded, "My eemage has been deegeetally escanned and captchurred een 7.8 meelleeon by 4.4 meelleeon Meta High Defeeneeshon. A 360-degree moovie. Tennk yoo and goodbye!"

The projectors' beams faded away, and the lights came back on as all the guests stood and murmured about what they had just seen.

Calamity ran to pick up Lightning again, who then asked his employees, "Well? What do yoo teenk?"

"Ah, it's just a toy," scoffed Vinnie.

"Eet's a scream! _Je_ like eet!" squealed Fifi, clapping her paws.

Rhubella padded up to Calamity and Lightning, lowered her ears, and sneered, "It _sucks_!"

Concerned, Mary turned to her CEO and said, "That's a lot of mixed reactions, boss. Do you think this will ever be used _en-masse_?"

"I doubt eet, but de Warrnerr Brotherrs ees makeeng a 360-deegree moovie weeth dees wachamacalleet, called _The Rapper_. Dey're gonna end opp een de estreets. What do yoo teenk, Calameety?"

The coyote shook his head, "It won't catch on. Too complex, too clumsy, and too expensive."

"Yeah, that's what they SAID about 3D movies!" chirped Sweetie.

Seemingly satisfied with the reactions, Lightning shrugged and gestured for Calamity to walk toward the door. "Well, on weeth de show! Come on, my leettle estarrlets!" he squeaked, gesturing to Mary and Banjo to follow him. "I have a second sorrprise dat ees very deleeshous!"

And that he did. While everytoon was in the new 360-degree screening room, the staff had been busy setting up the rest of the party in the dance hall. When the guests came back in, they saw a two-metre tall cake near one of the doors. It was decorated with blue, white, and red frosting, topped with red lightning bolts and stars, and on the side there was a calligraphic inscription that read "Rodriguez Brothers".

"Eet's a very espeshal cake! I want yoo two estarrs to take de firrst piece."

Banjo and Mary shrugged. They approached the cake, but before they could even find a knife or serving dishes, the top of the cake suddenly exploded—

"RROOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"

The "starlets" were thrown back by a _very_ loud pantheresque roar that blasted from the toon who was inside the cake.

The humanmaid recovered moments later, and took a good look at the toon who had roared in her face, and it was—

—The J.A.M.!

Not only was it the same jaguar who had belittled her profession less than an hour ago, but now, this same jaguar, who had boasted of having a "dignified" acting career on the 360-degree theatre, was now in front of her, inside a mock-up cake, flexing his muscles…

 _…and wearing absolutely nothing but his fur._

Though when her eyes shot down to his waist, she was slightly disappointed to see that he was wearing a black speedo.

Still, she couldn't help but smile at this interesting piece of eye candy.

Meanwhile, the jaguar looked down and saw that in front of him was none other than the African-American girl whom he had scoffed at just before he arrived for tonight's "performance"!

And his fierce scowl slowly transformed into a panicked grimace.

Mary jested, "Well, well, well! If it isn't Michael Crawford!"

Not that either of them could stop and chat at this point in time. The hired floorshow had just begun, and the rest of the performers bounded into the dance hall.

Namely, a leopard, a black leopard, a lion, a tiger, a puma, a lynx, a cheetah, a jaguarundi, an ocelot, a serval, a snow leopard, a Siberian tiger, and a white lion, all male.

And all wearing black speedos, too.

Seeing his fellow dancers come in, the jaguar jumped out of the cake with a forward somersault and landed gracefully on the floor, and as far away from Mary as he could. The music blasted again; this time it was the introductory measures of a fanfare-type march.

As the music played, the felines approached their audience and handed out roses, bags of confetti, and unused streamers.

The jaguar tried to do his job the same way he had done it several times before, but this time there was an annoying humanmaid following his every step on roller blades.

And asking annoying questions:

"You know, Mr. Stage Actor, I really hope that you'll be gracing us with a _very_ special performance tonight—"

"Not now, lady…"

"Maybe you could start with a song from _The Phantom of the Opera_ , or even…" she chuckled, "…from _Cats_! Or maybe even the balcony scene from _Romeo and Juliet_? You could play both at the same time, you know, with you being _so_ talented!"

"Go away, kid, you're bothering me!"

"Aw, don't be shy, hun! You're the most handsome Romeo I've ever seen! And what an excellent wardrobe choice, too!"

The onça stomped and growled at her with low ears, "Just let me do my job, okay?!"

She was about to reply, but just then, the puma ran by and grabbed the jaguar's arm, snarling, "Let's go, let's go!"

Mercifully, Mary stayed where she was, obviously to enjoy the floorshow catered specifically for females, and was even surprised to see that several of the dancers already had a dollar bill or two sticking out of their speedos. Quickly, she glanced at the jaguar, and for some reason felt relieved that no female had managed to "tip" him.

 _Yet,_ she shivered.

The song reached a crescendo, and the panthers marched into position: two rows of seven, with the leopard, the puma, the lynx, the ocelot, the serval, the snow leopard, and the jaguarundi in the front row, and the taller males, including the jaguar, on the back, though naturally being shorter than the lions and tigers and the slender cheetah, he and the black leopard were on opposite ends.

Marching in place, flexing their muscles, all with low ears and with tails swishing at the beat of the music, they sang with deep baritone and bass voices [youtu be/KhBPGV44DB4]:

 _"We're males, we're males in tights."_ As the song went on, several of the audience threw confetti and streamers at the dancers.

 _"We roam around the alleys looking for fights."_ They "searched" around, and swung at each other, ducking just in time.

 _"We're males, we're males in tights._

 _We rob from the rich and give to the poor, that's right!"_ They marched side to side, again flexing their arms and shoulders.

 _"We may look like sissies!"_ They crossed their arms and in pairs leaned against each other's backs.

 _"But watch what you say or else we'll put out your lights!"_ Pointing claws at the audience, they then punched the air.

 _"We're males, we're males in tights!_

 _Always on guard, defending the toony rights!"_ They then marched into a single file, held each other's shoulders, and—

Mary almost rolled on the floor laughing when the fourteen males suddenly did a Can-Can dance; complete with the high leg kicking and singing the "la-la-la" that went with that song. The males even did a silly _falsetto_ for the bridge as every second dancer back-flipped, giving their audience a very good look at their tails—except for the jaguar, to her disappointment. They sang a second "la-la-la", daintily waving their arms about, splitting up again in two lines, and then the song returned to its marching cadence:

 _"We're males, MANLY males, we're males in tights, yes!"_ Again they flexed their biceps.

 _"We roam around the alleys looking for fights."_ And again they "searched" and punched the air.

 _"We're males, we're males in tights._

 _We rob from the rich and give to the poor, that's right!"_ Another side-to-side march.

 _"We may look like pansies!"_ They waved their paws next to their faces, pretending to be "wimpy".

 _"But don't get us wrong or else we'll put out your lights!"_ Another claw-pointing, and another punch to the air.

 _"We're males, we're males in tights—TIGHT tights!"_ They hiked up their speedos.

 _"Always on guard, defending the toony riiiights…!"_ One final march in place.

 _"When you're in a fix, just call for the Males in Tights!"_ Point to the audience, point to themselves, present themselves, and…

 _"We're butch!"_ …strike a pose, making sure to flex every muscle in their bodies.

By now, all the dancers were covered with confetti and streamers, which they seemed to ignore. With their first number finished, each of them flexed their arms and roared at the screaming and applauding females as they backed out of the dance hall to prepare for their next number.

The jaguar was the last to exit, but just as he turned to leave the room, he bumped into someone.

 _Ugh, her again…_

Mary was standing in front of him, blocking his exit, arms crossed, and smiling _very_ smugly at him, "You know, Mr. Stage Actor, I had to tell you just how well you performed tonight!"

"Lady, excuse me! I have to prepare for another number!"

He tried to pad around her, but she rolled to block him again, and suddenly held his shoulders, "Oh, no! Don't leave so soon! Now that I know where you _really_ work at, I'm wondering if I could pay you a visit to your house…let me guess: East LA, right?" she chuckled.

The black-orange feline growled again and pointed an angry claw at her, "Now listen, Miss Melody! I'm only trying to do my job here, so just—!"

"Hey, who's this schmuck, anyway?!" Just then, Banjo waddled up, ears down, and obviously annoyed that Mary was giving _lots_ of attention to a male who wasn't him.

The humanmaid calmly touched her partner's shoulder and explained, "Oh, Banjo, can you believe it? He's a toon who's lofty and _way_ above us all." She turned to The J.A.M. and sneered, "He couldn't learn anything from the movies. He's a 360-degree stage _legitimate_ actor, you know!" The actress then turned fully toward her co-star to calm him down, seeing that he was getting more annoyed by the second—

The onça had enough.

Not wanting to blast off another roar, he brandished a frying pan from behind him and snarled with a bristled tail, "Oh, yeah? Well, my dear 'celebrities', here's _one_ thing I've learned from movies and cartoons!"

The actress turned just as the jaguar jumped.

Her eyes widened when she saw him swing the frying pan toward her face.

With uncanny reflexes, she rolled her legs apart to do a perfect splits, enabling her to duck.

And unable to stop himself, the jaguar smashed the pan into the opossum's face instead with a resounding "klong".

[KLONG!]

See what I mean?

The feline straightened in mid-air and vibrated for a moment, gritting his teeth and shutting his eyes tightly, and the marsupial too, resonated in place, completely stiffened by the pain.

That only lasted for a few seconds, and The J.A.M. landed on his footpaws, glancing in terror at the pan, which now had Banjo's likeness moulded into it, and at his innocent victim, who now sported a flattened muzzle, and was teetering and about to fall unconscious—

—the marsupial's own extensive training, however, kicked in at this point, and he immediately shook himself back into full consciousness.

The actor suddenly growled and screamed nasally, given his flattened face, "'EW'RE 'EAD, 'A HEAR 'E?! 'EAD! AH'LL KILL 'EW 'ILL 'EW'RE 'EAD!"

He tried to claw at his attacker, but Mary immediately straightened up and expertly held him in place, "Banjo! Banjo! He was aiming at me!"

Just then, Sweetie and Sneezer, who had been eating cake until now, came up—the canary carrying the mouse—and jeered, "Hey, Banjo, you've never looked more HANDSOME! Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee…"

The marsupial was still struggling, but he couldn't decide whether [WARP!] to free himself from Mary, or to try to get back at that jaguar.

Mary continued pleading, "Banjo, stop! It was an accident!"

Sneezer giggled, "Sure! That happens to us five or six times a day, yup-yup!"

The African-American turned and was about to ask The J.A.M. to help her explain things to her co-star—

—but the jaguar was nowhere around.

"Huh? What? Where did he go? J.A.M.? J.A.M.!" Now truly going into a panic at the thought of losing her new friend, Mary skated out of the dance hall and toward the dressing room, with Sneezer and Sweetie following close behind, leaving Banjo by himself.

"Uh? 'ot? Li'l 'ary?" The pressure on his muzzle was getting annoying, so he couldn't waddle after her without getting very dizzy, so he tried to painfully massage his face back into its normal shape…

Just then, the actress broke into the dressing room, where all the other felines were preparing their "wardrobe" for the next number. Several of them were in a state of complete nekkidness, but much to her chagrin, none of them made any attempts to cover up.

And The J.A.M. wasn't there, either.

Mary asked the dancers, "Excuse me, but where did the jaguar…um…Mr. J.A.M. go? Did any of you see him?"

The _very_ large Siberian tiger, with perked ears and still with dollar bills sticking out of his speedos, sensually padded up to her and brushed his torso fur against her arm, making her shiver. "He grabbed his stuff and practically teleported out of here." His voice was _deep_. "Anything I can do for you?" he asked with bedroom eyes. "You could stay for a while longer; the strip show will start in five minutes, you know," he winked at her.

Realising what his intentions were, she extricated herself from his fur and huffed, "Sorry, big guy, but you aren't exactly impressive from what I can see! Now get out of my way!" Angry, and now genuinely scared, the humanmaid skated out of the dressing room and out of the house toward the back driveway…

…just in time to see the jaguar, still clad in his speedo, drive out of the gate in his Hover Smart.

As a last resort, she called out to him, skating as fast as she could, "J.A.M.! Hey, J.A.M.! HEY, STOP! PLEASE COME BACK! J.A.M.!"

But the car was too fast for her, and soon disappeared into the night.

Defeated, Mary rolled to a stop just before reaching the gate. She sighed with resignation, and turned around to go back inside the house—

 _Strip show?_

Waving off the back door in total disgust, she stood on the driveway for a while, pondering on what just happened, and then suddenly smiled at tonight's events.

 _So, my lofty rescuer is a simple club boy? Pity, really, he has a great body. I wonder if he can really act, though? Not that Banjo would like that, but he got what he deserved, after all his annoying flirting._

She then sighed dreamily.

 _Still, run all you want, my handsome kitty. I know where you work at now, so a simple Internet search should be enough to find you, and find you I will, you can count on that. It's not often I find a friend who isn't afraid to be blunt with me, so don't you think I'm going to let you go that easily._

Just then, Sneezer and Sweetie arrived and perched on her shoulders again. Neither said anything, but just stayed with her friend in her time of need.

Mary just sighed, smiled, and thought about what had been said tonight, and the eye candy that she had just enjoyed…

 _…and wanted another taste of it, too…_


	5. San – Of Guilt And Laughter

**SAN – OF GUILT AND LAUGHTER**

 _Three weeks later…_

It would have been another typical day at work for Mary Melody at Rodriguez Brothers.

It would have been, but absolutely no search engine had managed to find a trace of The J.A.M., for some strange reason.

And not only that, Club Panthera had been cooperative, at first, but about a week after the party, it was as if the jaguar had never worked for them at all. No residence records, no phone numbers, no social media links, nothing.

 _It was as if the onça had disappeared from the face of the Earth…_

Mary, now in a light blue shirt and denim jeans, skated dejectedly through the lot, glancing at her fellow actors and actresses—or "celebrities", as her feline friend had called them all—as they went about from sound stage to sound stage, cranking out whatever movie they were starring in at that point in time.

And not only them; the production crews were also bustling about, seemingly even busier than the actors, driving cherry pickers, carrying props, green screens, wood planks, sound equipment, computer equipment, cranes, and musical instruments.

She seemingly ignored them as she bee-lined toward the entrance of one sound stage in particular, where they were apparently filming a movie that was set in Africa, for just before she reached the entrance, a tall and very muscular spotted hyenamaid emerged. She was the same hyenamaid from the party, except that now she was donning a typical African tribal outfit.

Meaning, she was showing more fur than usual.

She had a somewhat drafty zebra-print loincloth, with each stripe cut individually, making it look like an exotic grass skirt. Two more thin zebra-print bands criss-crossed her chest, bending around her very defined pectoral muscles, and she donned a black stone necklace on her neck. A thin headband made of ostrich feathers crowned her temples, and gold bracelets adorned her wrists and shins.

Normally, the humanmaid would have been intimidated by this very large and very muscular female predator, if she weren't already friends with her. Truth be told, she was slightly jealous, given that the hyenamaid was comfortable wearing very little, being covered with fur, of course, and while she was more muscular than curvy, Hillary still cut a better figure than Mary ever could.

But by the hyenamaid's apparently bored expression, it was obviously just a typical day at work for her.

Their paths converged, and the two met next to a convenient coffee station next to the main entrance, namely, a white plastic table, several white plastic chairs, a large steel coffee urn, transparent plastic containers with creamer, cream, milk, and sugar, plenty of spoons, and Styrofoam glasses of all sizes.

"Hey, Mary," said the hyenamaid, as she got herself some coffee and sitting on a nearby chair.

"Good morning, Hillary. Is Ron in another sound stage?" asked Mary.

"Yeah, but he doesn't start filming his part until noon. He went to get me some food because I'm on an 'unscheduled break', and I'm getting hungry."

Meanwhile, on the table, looking at a very tiny rodent-sized tablet, were Sneezer and Sweetie, and they looked up as the others spoke. Now that they weren't in any parties or premieres, the mouse only wore a white diaper, while the canarymaid only wore a light blue bow on her head. "Good morning, girls, yup-yup!"

"Hi there, Mary! Say, did you read this minute's _Varietoon-Minute by Minute_ minute UPDATE?" Sweetie pointed at the hologram projected on top of the tablet, " _First 360-degree film NOVELTY:_ The Rapper _. A box office hit in the FIRST WEEK_."

Hillary scoffed with flattened ears, "And complete flop into the second, I bet. I went to see it with Ron yesterday, and while it was interesting to see a movie in 360 degrees, the story sucked. You just watch as the numbers go down the toilet within the hour in those minute updates."

The humanmaid looked at her tall friend as she prepared herself some coffee, "Wow, Hil, you just saved me thirty bucks. I guess I won't be seeing it if you two didn't enjoy it."

Just then, the canine-feline hybrid who played the part of the Confederate Platoon Leader padded up. Now that he was out of costume and character, he resembled a sheepdog with feline ears, he had white highlights on his muzzle, abdomen, and foot-paws, and only wore a blue shirt. And as Hillary mentioned, he was carrying two pizza boxes.

The scantly-clad scavenger smiled and stood to greet him with a kiss. "You took long enough, dear," she growled playfully.

"Hey, don't blame me, blame the cook," he replied. "Oh, hi, Mary. Hey, thanks again for recommending me to Mister Coyote. Thanks to the part I played in your movie, I'm getting offers from all over the place!"

"Really? Well, just make sure you don't forget us little people when you give your Oscar acceptance speech," she chuckled. "Say, Hillary tells me you went to see _The Rapper_ last night. It was a bomb?"

The hybrid wavered a bit, "Eh, it was half-and-half. The 360-degree experience was quite something, but the story could have been better. Not to mention the actors, too. Some had obviously worked in 360 degree theatres before, but you could tell who hadn't. If the movie is popular, it's only because it's in a new media."

"I'll keep that in mind…" Mary then noticed just how much food Ron had brought for him and his girlfriend; he had sat down and opened the pizza boxes—the _very_ large boxes—which seemed to contain more food than even two large carnivores could consume. "You expect your next scene to take very long in setting up, Hillary?"

"Oh yeah. The director is arguing with the Zulu consultant about some 'historical accuracy' nonsense. I tell you, it's nice that sometoon cares that they get our history right, but these 'consultations' go on forever! And what about you?"

"We start today. I was looking for my tech crew to bring them to the sound stage."

"Okay, good luck, then."

"Have fun, Mary," added Ron. "I hope we can do more movies together again, the last one was really fun!"

"It was, and thank you!"

Mary waited for Sneezer and Sweetie to close up their tablet, and when they perched on their shoulders, she slowly skated toward her sound stage, rolling around whatever props and equipment were lying about.

"So, who's your new character, huh-huh?"

The African-American smiled slightly, "I'm now Josephine de Battaille, African-American businesswoman and land baroness, in _Song of the North_."

"Really? What's THIS MOVIE about?"

"The Civil War."

Sweetie raised an eyebrow, "Is it? Let me guess: you're a LANDOWNER, and he's a simple FARM BOY and he won't even give you the TIME OF day, much less a ROLL IN THE—"

"YES, I know!" she interrupted, suddenly holding the bird's beak closed, "But…well, it's a living."

"Say, Mary, why do you even bother making this movie, huh-huh? You can simply release your previous one under a new title, yup-yup! After all, if you've seen one, you've seen them—"

Mary abruptly stopped, snatched the mouse from her shoulder and held him tightly to her face. "WHAT?!"

Straining to have himself heard, the murid replied with low ears and little air, "We…got the green screen images yesterday…they're all the same sets…from your last movie…different arrangement…new colour scheme…but they're the same…yup…yup…!"

The girl eased her hold on her friend just before Sweetie could start pecking at her fingers. The bird hovered in front of her face, feathers ruffled, and demanded, _"What's the matter WITH YOU?!"_

"Ugh…I almost needed a diaper change there, yup-yup!"

The actress placed the mouse on her shoulder again and then held her head in her hands, almost panicking, "That—that's what The J.A.M. said to me that night! And he was right! We _are_ cranking out nothing but remakes! Oh, dear lord, I'm working for a recycling company!"

"Well, you ARE looking a little GREEN there, hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!" Sweetie then perched on her shoulder again and continued more seriously, "But that happened THREE WEEKS AGO! Don't tell me you're still thinking about that CARNIVORE!" Truth be told, both Sneezer and Sweetie had been a little wary of Mary's new "friend", considering that they were both prey species as far as that toon was concerned.

The humanmaid replied, "Look, I know it's not exactly professional on my part, but…with all he said about me…and us…and what we do…well…I can't get him out of my mind."

"Well, of course you can't, nope-nope! He's the first guy to _not_ fall for your batting eyelashes since you were in first grade, nope-nope!"

She continued skating, albeit much slower, and even more dejected, as they made their way around a large number of musical props, "I know…I…I guess he's on my conscience, after all that happened to him."

"Aw, Mary, it's not YOUR FAULT he lost his job at Club Panthera."

"And he was such a great dancer, too, with a body to match. It's just that…" she clenched her fists, "…oooo, I've got to find him! One way or another, I just _have_ to find him!" And it was true. There was still so much that she didn't know about him, so much that she _wanted_ to know, not to mention how much of Hollywood she had been blind to up to now before he told her to her face, and she wondered how much more she was still blind to that he didn't say because he held himself back.

"Notoon can say you haven't tried, not with all those INTERNET searches you do every chance you get. The ONLY thing you haven't done is send out the bloodhounds, the FBI, the CIA, and the NSA! Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee…"

The African-American rubbed her forehead, "I…I suppose so. It's just that—"

Sweetie hovered in front of her face again, halting her skating. "Come on, SNAP OUT OF IT ALREADY!" Mary reeled a bit, but the canarymaid continued, "You can't let a LITTLE THING like this knock you down!"

Sneezer added with perked ears, "And you're Mary Melody, aren't you, huh-huh? And Mary Melody's an actress, yup-yup! So what's the first thing an actress learns?"

Before the actress could answer, the avian unexpectedly hovered in her face again, this time more aggressively, forcing the humanmaid to roll backward until she suddenly sat back on a short barstool that was next to an old spinet piano. The bird then carried the mouse over to the instrument, and they both stood on the top.

Sweetie then struck a dramatic pose and answered Sneezer's question: "'The show must go on'! Come rain, come shine, come snow, come sleet, the show must go on!"

The murid then spun in place, and stopped, now dressed as a circus clown with a sad face and sad ears, "So, _ridi, pagliacci, ridi_!" he mock-sobbed.

Mary chuckled, " _Ridi_ , huh?"

"Yup-yup!" He spin-changed back into his regular white diaper, while the bird flew down to the keys. She hopped around, playing a gentle song as she recited:

 _"Mary, the world is so full of a number of things._

 _I'm sure we should all be as happy as…"_ she trailed off, and Sneezer abruptly jumped next to her, pounding the keys.

"But ARE we?" asked Sweetie. Fur and feathers ruffled again.

"Nope-nope!" he stomped on the keys twice.

"DEFINITELY?"

"Nope-nope!" _Stomp, stomp._

"POSITIVELY?

"Nope-nope!" _Stomp, stomp._

"DECIDEDLY?!"

"NOPE-NOPE!" _STOMP, STOMP._ The two were practically yelling now, but they quickly calmed down and relaxed their features. They then held paws/wings, and danced softly on the keys, again playing a soft song. Then they let go of each other, and recited:

 _"Short people have LONG FACES."_ She stretched her face a little.

 _"And long people have short faces, yup-yup!"_ He squished his face a little.

 _"Big people have LITTLE HUMOUR."_ She frowned.

 _"And little people have no humour at all, nope-nope!"_ he finished, huffing, crossing his arms, and stomping on the keys.

Mary laughed at their antics, feeling better for the first time in weeks.

Then, arm in arm, they marched from the lower keys toward the high ones, and Sweetie declared, "And in the words of that immortal bard, Samuel J. Snodgrass, as he was about to be led to the guillotine…"

And they sang [youtu be /SND3v0i9uhE]:

 _"Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh!"_ They started with a short Vaudeville dance, but suddenly they brandished giant mallets out of nowhere—

 _"Don't you know everytoon wants to laugh? Ha ha!"_ —jumped, floated in the air for a moment, and pounded the humanmaid and the barstool until they were completely flat on the floor. Sneezer landed next to the Mary splotch.

 _"My dad said, 'Be an actor, my son,"_ he said with dignity.

 _"But be a comical one!'"_ He danced while hitching up his diaper. Sweetie continued,

 _"They'll be standin' in lines,"_ by hip-checking him off-camera.

 _"For those old honky tonk monkeyshines!"_ she jumped and "scrambled" her feet and legs while keeping her wings folded. Sneezer came back, again dignified,

 _"Now you could study Shakespeare and be quite elite."_ Sweetie was also dignified but sucked in her stomach, making her ribs visible,

 _"And you can charm the critics and have nothing to eat."_ She brandished a banana peel and threw it at the mouse,

 _"Just slip on a banana peel; the world's at your feet!"_ He slipped, naturally, but he was caught in mid-air, and both sang,

 _"Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh!"_ They landed on top of the piano again and continued,

 _"Make 'em…?…make 'em laugh…"_ They faltered a bit when a stagehand pushed the piano away.

 _"Don't you know everytoon wants to laugh?"_ Sneezer "rowed" with an invisible oar while Sweetie posed dramatically as a ship captain, singing,

 _"My grandpa said, 'Go out and tell 'em a joke."_ The piano suddenly bumped on a couch, and the two fell on it.

 _"But give it plenty of hoke!'"_ Still, the bird didn't miss a beat. They hopped off and tried to dodge all the stagehands that were walking about. The mouse sang,

 _"Make 'em roar, make 'em scream."_ Someone tapped the back of his head with a golf club, but he didn't seem to notice.

 _"Take a fall, butt a wall, split a seam!"_ Not until two seconds later, when he fell on his face. The canarymaid stepped in,

 _"You start off by pretending you're a dancer with grace."_ She twirled about in a brief pirouette, and then wobbled just for fun,

 _"You wiggle 'till they're gigglin' all over the place."_ She turned to walk away, but hit her head on the bottom of a wardrobe and fell flat on her back. Sneezer zoomed up with a pie,

 _"And then you get a great big custard pie in the face!"_ Before he could smash it on her, she sat up and slapped it, it split in two, and both got splattered. Still they sang together,

 _"Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh!"_

Sweetie carried him off again toward a door, and he turned the knob and yanked it open. Sweetie dashed inside, but noticed too late that there was a brick wall behind the door, and the two flattened their faces on it while it removed any traces of pie they still had. They groggily landed and groggily tried to continue,

 _"'Ake 'em 'augh, 'ake 'em 'augh…"_ It was hard to sing with a flattened beak and muzzle.

 _"'On't 'oo 'ow…all the…'ants…?"_ After looking at each other, Sneezer pulled her beak, making her look like a woodpecker. She did the same to him, and he now looked like a shrew. He bent her beak down, and she was now a falcon. She tugged his ears, and his muzzle shrank, but now his ears looked like an elephant's. Finally, they slapped the back of each other's heads, and their faces "reset".

 _"They'll be standing in lines."_ They flew around the prop door, and saw a large love seat, which was surrounded by several old backdrop paintings of hallways.

 _"For those old honky tonk monkeyshines…"_ They landed on top of the backrest, and trailed off.

Once there, they pretended to _not_ catch their breaths while they acted like a bashful couple. They were sitting slightly apart, and it looked like they wanted to look at each other's eyes, but they couldn't seem to gather the nerve to do it. Just when Sneezer finally turned to her, Sweetie turned away, pretending not to notice, but right there, she turned to him, only to see him turning away himself, again pretending not to notice.

Sneezer turned, and Sweetie looked away again.

Sweetie turned, and Sneezer turned away again.

She feinted in her next "turn", so when he turned, they finally looked at each other in the eye, and they "fell in love at first sight", complete with little hearts floating from their eyes and popping as they gently collided in the middle of them.

Finally, both scooted next to each other, crossed their legs, and the mouse put his arm around the canarymaid. She smirked, and draped her wing on his knee. Slightly annoyed, he pushed her wing off, but she draped his knee again.

Again he pushed her away.

And again she came on to him.

They quickly repeated this three more times, until the murid had enough. He suddenly kissed her right on the beak, which prompted her to give him a swift wing slap on his face, and the two "lovers" fell behind the love seat.

A fight dust cloud exploded from behind the large chair, complete with bolts of lightning, explosions, and an occasional flying two-by-four.

The cloud disappeared moments later, and then Sweetie shot up, with ruffled feathers, as if she had just received an uppercut on the chin. Several seconds after she came down, Sneezer shot up, with ruffled fur, also as if he had been punched in the chin.

Right after he came down, however, a very loud "CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" exploded from where he fell, and the windblast sent the canarymaid flying over the love seat, tumbling to a halt in front of it.

Moments later, the mouse scrambled over the chair and bounced toward his "prey", with an almost feral look in his eyes, the left of which was black now.

Not that Sweetie had escaped unscathed, for her right eye too was black at this point.

He ran up to her, grabbed both wings, and tried to lift her, but she yanked him down to the floor with her. The two then spun together in a joint-whirlwind, and moments later they were both standing up, wings in paws, and wearing roller blades.

They then tried to skate like an Olympic couple, but the floor appeared to be suddenly covered with grease, for they hadn't taken more than two steps when both fell flat on their backs.

They scrambled to get up again, with Sneezer beating Sweetie this time, but just as he lifted his foot-paw, he face-planted himself, right when Sweetie got to her feet. She, too, attempted to skate, but less than one second later her face was also on the floor once more. Again and again they tried to stand, but every time they kept slipping and falling down. On their third try, their legs became tangled on each other, and now they couldn't stand up at all. They tried crawling away from each other, to no avail, and then they both slapped their legs in an attempt to "reset". That gave them partial success, since they freed their left legs with that move, but their right ankles just wouldn't come loose. They managed to stand and tried to walk away from each other, but their ankles had them "hooked" together, and they fell to their sides. Again they stood up, again they tried to walk away, and again they fell down. They tried it a third time, and had the same results. On their fourth attempt, however, just as they stood, they both slapped their legs to see if that would separate them, but that only managed to make them spin out of control, still joined at the ankle, and again they fell on their sides, this time with stars swirling above their heads. This last fall, however, managed to separate them.

Knowing that the show had to go on, they tried to continue, despite their grogginess and lack of balance on skates:

 _"Make 'em laugh—"_ [THUD!"] Sweetie sang, but slipped and fell.

 _"Make 'em laugh—!"_ [THUD!"] Sneezer sang, but slipped and fell.

 _"Don't you know—"_ [THUD!] She sang, and slipped and fell.

 _"—everytoon wants to laugh—?"_ [THUD!] He sang, and slipped and fell.

Now, Sweetie grabbed his paws and the two managed to stay upright, and this time they spun in place again, though skating at a much more controlled speed. They laughed at the beat of the song:

 _"Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!_

 _Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-HA-HA!_

 _Ah-ha-ha-HA-ha-ha-ha-ha!"_ Sweetie then kicked her skates off and picked him up, flying next to a backdrop of a hallway the left of the loveseat.

 _"Make 'em laugh…ha ha!"_ They flew into the backdrop, and emerged on the one on the right.

 _"Make 'em laugh…! Ah ha!"_ They flew into the backdrop behind the chair, and emerged on the one on the left. Now came their grand finale…

 _"Make 'em LAUGH! Ah ha ha ha ha…!"_ And flew into one more backdrop on the far right, which unfortunately was no backdrop, but an actual prop of a subway entrance. The two yelped and crashed down the stairs with a typical cartoon sound effect [youtu be /p-EgaAIA2BM].

Seconds later, the two emerged, sporting four black eyes now, fur and feathers a total mess, and as they stumbled back on the main floor, they groggily sang their encore, paws/wings in the air:

 _"Make 'em laugh…make 'em laugh…!…MAKE 'EM…LAAAAAAAUGH…!"_

[THUDTHUD!]

And the two fell flat on their backs, unconscious, but with their chests heaving—

* * *

The film had to be stopped because the audience exploded with a _very_ loud and _very_ long standing ovation, both the "stars" _and_ the "bit players", not to mention _the entire faculty_ , and it was all for Sneezer and Sweetie.

A spotlight suddenly shone on the two _very_ surprised tiny toons, who couldn't believe that their little number had caused such an uproar in this film festival. Sweetie and Sneezer looked at each other slack jawed/beaked for a while, but neither of them could find any words to say. With a shrug, they climbed up to the back of one seat, waved at their audience, and took a bow, eliciting even louder cheers and applause, basking in the rare immense amount of glory and praise and recognition that few of the Tiny Toons, "stars" included, rarely received.

On the side, The J.A.M. asked Mary as they continued clapping, "Do you think we'll get points off because these two stole the show, Panterita?"

"Let's hope not, Furrycoat. But remember that the true definition of 'stealing the show' is when the audience's idea of who the lead character is _isn't_ the same as what the credits say, and it hasn't reached that point…yet." She looked at her small friends again, and added, "Though if you ask me, I wouldn't mind losing points for _that_ , would you?"

The feline thought for a moment, smiled, and replied, "Now that I really think about it, no, I wouldn't."

Meanwhile, the two tiny toons continued to acknowledge their new fans, and both were practically in tears at this point because neither of them had experienced such recognition before. Quietly, they both looked up to the ceiling, and whispered:

 _"Thank you, Mr. O'Connor, for your great example, yup-yup."_

They then hugged each other and kissed just for the hell of it, eliciting even _more_ cheers and applause.

It took a while, but the movie eventually resumed…


	6. Yon – A Typical Day At Work

**YON – A TYPICAL DAY AT WORK**

Calamity padded up to Mary's dressing room and knocked on the door. It opened a little bit, and when she peeked out, he signed, "Ready, Mary?"

"Ready when you are, Calamity." She stepped out, clad in a 19th Century full-length dark blue dress and a long sleeved white blouse, with a western wire tie. Her hair was done in a bun above her head, encased in a dark blue bonnet. Helping her step out was a rotund brown female cat wearing a red shirt and blue pants, and she was touching up Mary's hair and straightening out her tie.

The canine smiled and signed, "Werekitty, you and everytoon in Wardrobe really outdid yourselves this time!" The female cat smiled. "You know, I think we have another box office hit on our paws—and hands," he quickly added.

Mary managed to keep from wincing, but Sneezer and Sweetie's antics a few minutes ago helped her project confidence once more, albeit just a trifle. "Well, I hope so…" She shuffled off to the set, leaving her wardrobe assistant behind, and hoping her director didn't catch any hints of doubt or uneasiness.

"You bet your tail we have one!" he still signed in her direction. Then he turned and asked, "Now, where's Banjo?"

The brown catmaid quickly padded to another dressing room door, opened it, and helped the marsupial step out. "Here he is, Mr. Coyote," she said.

The canid took in the work that Wardrobe had done on Banjo. He only wore denim overalls, with no shirt, and a straw hat on his head. Smiling, the director approached his star and signed, "Well, well! Here comes our handsome lead actor now."

His "star" had no time for compliments. He shivered, rubbed his arms, inwardly cursed the studio's air conditioning, and complained, "Geez, Ah'm freezin' 'n this stableboy outfit! Whut ditz would wear a thing lahk this?"

Unfazed, Calamity replied, "Just about every stableboy in America back then, Banjo."

"Then every stableboy back then was a ditz!" he grumbled.

Werekitty chuckled, "Don't sweat it, lover boy, you look great!"

Hurrying everytoon along, Calamity added, "Yes, you look great! Now get into the set! Hurry!"

Mary, meanwhile, was already in position. There were green screens all around, and the only hint that the scene was supposed to take place in a barn was the dirt floor and the bits of straw that were scattered about. The only props included a small milking stool, a broom, a rake, and a shovel.

The catmaid bounded up to the humanmaid and handed her a black cane. "Thanks, Werekitty," she smiled at her, but then her smile faded when Banjo waddled up to his place, near a "wall" and next to a broom.

The marsupial grabbed the broom and apparently examined it, but as he did, he said without even turning to his partner, "Ah looked f'r yew th'other naght at Arnold's party, an' yew weren't there. Don't yew lahk parties anymore?"

She didn't even turn to look at him, either. She simply "examined" her cane and huffed, "I've been busy."

On the side, Calamity signed, "Lights!" and the set was lit. Then he padded off to prepare the rest of the equipment.

Banjo ignored the director and just posed as if he was about to sweep the floor. "Oh, Ah _know_ whut yew've been busy doin': yew've been lookin' f'r that feline jaguar cat person, haven't yew?"

Mary didn't take her eyes off her cane, and she twirled it slightly, "Impeccable deduction, my dear Watson. As a matter of fact, yes, I have."

"Oh? An' why's that?"

"Call it ethics, call it upbringing, call it what you will, but I've simply been worried about him. Do you have a problem with that, my dear co-star?" The actress seemed more interested in the green screens than in her fellow performer.

"Darn rahgt Ah have a problem! Yew should've been worried 'bout _me_ juss' a bit, don't yew think?" he snarled slightly, lowered his ears, and bared his teeth, reminding her that he, too, was a carnivore. "After all, Ah'm th'poor kid who got his schnozzle flattened by a fryin' pan!"

She scolded, "Oh, don't be such a baby! You've received worse, _and_ you know perfectly well how to reset yourself! The most painless way of straightening your face was to walk off-screen and walk back in again! I hope you didn't forget _that_ basic lesson, honey!" She tapped her cane on the floor a few times as she looked at a boom microphone above her. "You, at most, got a headache that night and only needed an aspirin. You didn't lose your job that night, and The J.A.M. did!"

He smiled, perked his ears, and chuckled, "Lahk hell he did! Ah made sure of it!"

Only now did she turn to him. "WHAT?!"

"That flea-infested club refused t'fire him, so Ah called them an' told them that if they didn't, Ah'd fahnd a way t'shut them down overnaght. So it was either his job, or everytoon's jobs, har-har-har."

"Why you miserable—"

Mary was about to brandish an axe, but Calamity ran up to give them instructions. "Okay, everytoon, this is the motion capture rehearsal!" He turned to her and added, "Remember, Mary: you're madly in love with him and you have to overcome his shyness and reluctance."

The African-American swallowed her anger—and her pride—and stomped off to her initial position outside where the barn door was supposed to be.

Calamity padded off the set and signed to the tech crew, "Sneezer, Sweetie, project the barn set!"

The two technicians at the console nodded and worked the controls. Moments later, the image of the inside of a barn was visible, but again, only to Mary and Banjo.

"Quiet on the set! And action!"

The "landowner" peeked in the barn door.

"Very good, Mary! Now slowly come inside."

Without a sound, she stepped inside, apparently looking for something…or someone…who was sweeping the ground at that point.

"And you see him! And you sneak up to him!"

The "landowner's" eyes widened, and she smiled a lustful smile as her eye caught the object of her desire. Slyly, she slithered behind him, and stopped his sweeping by placing her hand on his paw. Naturally, the "stableboy" was startled. Turning, his eyes widened in fright and his ears fell back. Naturally, the "landowner" soothed him by holding the broomstick and gently pulling it away.

"Very good! Now, keep your expressions, but don't focus on the dialogue yet. Just keep your faces, and we'll do the lines on the next take!" Calamity then turned to the console to see how the lighting and the motion capture came together.

Mary kept her tender and lustful face, and as she rubbed Banjo's arm, she cooed, "Why, you road pizza you…you got that poor cat fired."

Banjo blushed and tried to move away, though without much actual effort, "Well, babe, juss' wait 'till Ah get mah paws aroun' his flea-bitten neck."

She gently scratched his ear, coyly moving his straw hat aside. She soothed, "I have never, _ever_ heard of anything so low and despicable…"

Calamity glanced from the console and signed, "That looks great! Keep going!"

Mary gently removed Banjo's hat and tossed it aside. "Why did you do it? Revenge for your flat schnozzle?"

The "stableboy" seemed to accept her "affections", and he raised his ears and leaned his head toward her. "'Revenge'? Babe, Ah could tell yew lahked him more than me. Ah ain't dense, yew know…"

The "landowner" scratched his ear more insistently, "Oh? So you were jealous of a toon you had known for only five minutes? Well, believe me, 'lover boy', I don't like him half as much as I _hate_ you…you _road kill_ you…" she grumbled as she kissed his ear.

The "stableboy" shivered and tilted his head back, " _'Sticks an' stones may break my bones'_ , babe…"

She caressed his muzzle with her index finger, and turned it so they were looking at each other's eyes. "I'd like to break every single bone in your miserable body."

Both were giving each other bedroom eyes. He gently held her face and asked, "Yew an' whut army, li'l mama?"

Calamity signed, "Excellent! Now kiss!"

The two took a deep breath, closed their eyes, and their lips came together.

"Very good! Now, hold it, hold it! And perfect! Cut!" Quite giddy and wagging his tail, Calamity turned to the console again to see how the take came out, from start to finish.

As soon as he signed, "Cut", however, Mary shoved Banjo off her, stomped off a short distance, and wiped her lips in total disgust.

The marsupial, meanwhile, was actually somewhat dizzy from the kiss. He certainly never remembered her putting so much energy into something like that! Shaking his head, he was surprised that his co-star was treating the whole thing as if it had been something completely emotionless, like a business proposition, or worse, something _disgusting_. He straightened up, and almost stumbled as he shuffled after her, "W—wait! Hold on thar, Li'l Mary! Yew cain't kiss me lahk that an' not feel nothin' f'r it!"

She whirled toward him and blasted, "Oh, I can't, can I now? Well, meet the greatest actress on the planet! I'd rather kiss a tarantula _than YOU_!"

He smiled and waddled toward her, "Aw, Li'l Mary, yew don't mean that!"

"I don't mean—?" she spat. Turning to the side, she hollered, "Werekitty! Bring me a tarantula! Now listen, road kill—"

"Somevun ask for a spider?"

Both actors looked up and saw a small black hairy male tarantula, tethered by his web, come down from the ceiling and stop between their two faces.

Mary then smirked and grabbed the arachnid—

"Hey, Miss! Vat are you—?!"

Both the opossum's and the spider's eyes widened when the humanmaid planted a full lip-lock on the arachnid. She laughed inwardly, because she _definitely_ felt _much_ less disgust kissing a tarantula than kissing Banjo.

When she stopped the kiss, the tiny male could only say, "…oy…"

The actress then tugged the arachnid down slightly and released him, making him roll back up to the ceiling like a yo-yo. She then stomped toward her partner and smiled with satisfaction, "You were saying, 'Romeo'?"

Before the marsupial could answer, Calamity interrupted and signed, "That's enough, you lovebirds!" Mary fumed at the sign, while Banjo chuckled. "Let's get another take."

"ESTOP! CALAMEETEE, ESTOP EVEREETEENG!"

Both the cast and crew were startled to hear Lightning's squeaky voice resound throughout the set. They looked down and saw the businessrodent run up to the coyote. As he ran up, everytoon greeted him, but he ignored them all; the look on his face showing that he was both very angry, and very worried.

Calamity picked him up and signed, "Hello, Mr. Rodriguez. This new movie is flowing very smoothly."

The rodent looked at him and spat with bristled fur and _very_ low ears, "Well, yoo can estop floweeng eemmeedeeately. Estop de prodocshonn now!"

"What?"

"Yoo herrd me! Estop feelmeeng!"

Unsure why he was giving such an order, Calamity lowered his ears slightly and flashed a huge sign above him that read, "EVERYTOON, SAVE IT!"

Some of the crew shrugged and began turning off the reflectors.

"No, we'rre not gonna 'save eet'! Tell evereetoon to go home! We'rre estopeeng everee seengle moovie rright now and shotteeng down forr at least one month!"

 _"WHAT?!"_ blurted both cast and crew alike.

"Don't josst estand derre, yoo mangey _coyyotteh_! Tell dem!"

Even more shocked at the order, Calamity lowered his ears completely and flashed an even bigger sign that read, "EVERYTOON! GO HOME UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE!" The canine then turned to his boss and flashed a smaller sign, "Lightning, what's going on?"

Mary stepped up, just as shocked and surprised as the rest, "Yeah, what's the matter, Mr. Rodriguez?"

The mouse paced on Calamity's paw and grumbled, " _The Rapper_ , dat's what's de matterr! Dat estoopeed Warrnerr Brodderrs 360-deegree moovie, _The Rapper_!"

 _The same one that Ron and Hillary saw yesterday?_ thought Mary.

At that, Sneezer and Sweetie smiled and began singing on the console, "Ah, _The Rapper_! _In west Philadelphia born and raised, on the playground was where I spent most of my days_ —"

"Eet's no joke, yoo two!" squeaked their boss, swishing his tail. "Eet's a sensashonn! Toons arre escreameeng forr morr!"

"More whut?" asked Banjo.

"Morr 360-deegree moovies!" Lightning rubbed his face and head in unspeakable worry and frustration.

Mary asked with some confusion, "But…it was just a freak movie, wasn't it? A flash in the pan? A novelty that won't be catching on?"

He turned to her and grumbled, "Oh, shoorre, josst a 'noveltee'! We _should_ have had dat 'noveltee' een _dees_ estoodeeo. I told evereetoon dat 360-deegree moovies werre a thrreat, but no one would leesten to me!"

For one moment, Mary felt actual fear.

She shouldn't have based her judgment of that movie on the opinion of just _one_ grouchy hyenamaid and her _one_ boyfriend, both of whom probably didn't even like rap, even though they _did_ like the format, just not the story itself…

The Rapper _was no remake._

Could someone in Hollywood have actually come up with something _original_?

And as with any movie format, the special effects were important, _but the script was CRUCIAL._

 _So if any other movie studio just HAPPENED to get their hands on a good script AND make a movie of it in 360 degrees with state-of-the-art equipment and crew…and actors who ACTUALLY KNEW WHAT THEY WERE DOING…_

She shivered.

Lightning continued, "Mery, we'rre goeeng to poot ourr best footpaws forrward! We'rre estopeeng evereeteeng and oppgradeeng de _entire_ estoodeeo een orderr to make _Song of the North_ a 360-deegree moovie!"

Both Mary and Banjo stepped back at that.

 _An actual 360-degree movie? But that would mean acting with one's back, at the same time as acting with the front!_

Naturally, the tech crew was just as shocked. "A 360-degree MOVIE?" peeped Sweetie. "That means we're now UNEMPLOYED!"

Sneezer lowered his ears, put a paw on shoulder and said, "Well, a least now we can start suffering and write that symphony we always wanted to do, yup-yup."

Their boss looked down at them and squeaked, "No, I'm not goeeng to firre yoo two. Yoo two arre now de new holographeec eemage deerectors!"

And it was the pair's turn to step back at that. The canarymaid fluttered up to the CEO and shook his paw, "Wow, THANK YOU, Lightning!" She looked down and said, "Hey, Sneezer, at least now we can STOP SUFFERING and write that symphony we always wanted to do!"

For Mary, meanwhile, everything was spiralling out of control. She was about to say something, but Calamity beat her to it. He signed, "Now just wait a moment, Lightning! A 360-degree movie? Are you sure? Shouldn't we wait until we see how _The Rapper_ turns out after a few weeks?"

"NO! Everee estoodeeo ees jumpeeng on de bandwagon, Cal! Everee seengle theatrre een de country ees eenstalleeng hologram projectorrs, tearreeng out de normal seats and setteeng up de double-ampheetheatrre arrangement! Orr worrse, some theatrres arre even being torrn down and getteeng rrebuilt from zero weeth de new setup! And we'rre _not_ gonna be left out!"

"SQUEAK! He's right, yup-yup!"

Sneezer and Sweetie had fished out their tablet and opened it to _Varietoon Minute-by-Minute_ , and both were shocked at the new headline.

The avian read, "Both RADIO CITY Music Hall in New York AND THE CHINESE Theatre here are being GUTTED and refitted for 360-degree movies!"

 _Say what?_

Mary stepped up to her boss and blurted, "But…but Lightning, none of us know _anything_ about this new technology! How can we even _begin_ to compete with…with _that_?" she gestured at the tablet hologram

The murid turned to her and put his paws on his hips, "What _else_ do yoo need to know, Mery? Eet's josst anodderr moovie! Josst do what yoo've always done! Yoo'll josst act with yoorr backs _and_ tails dees time!" He then leaned over a little to look behind her, and added, "…orr yoorr butt, een yoorr case…"

"Are…are you sure, Lightning?" The actress' self-doubts came back with a vengeance. Now, not only were the jaguar's comments and opinions suddenly hitting her hard again, this new announcement—and the news feeds—made her feel like she was about to start acting in a play for which she had never rehearsed nor memorised the lines.

At that, the mouse calmed down and motioned Calamity to bring him closer. Once in range, he touched her hand, and said, "Mery, believe me, eet weell be espectacularr!" He then turned to the ceiling, pointed to an imaginary ad drone, and declared, "'Possum and Melody. Een 360 deegrees!'"

There, Banjo chuckled, "Heh, 360-degree movies! If'n we don't get dizzy actin' 'n circles, we're gonna wow th'audience with our slick tail action! Now, if'n yew excuse me, Ah'm gonna change into somethin' a bit more comfortable." With that, the marsupial waddled off back to his dressing room.

As he left, everytoon turned to look at him, and suddenly froze when they saw his back.

…w _hen they TRULY saw his back._

 _And tail._

 _And rear end._

 _For REAL._

 _As if it was the FIRST TIME they had truly examined him, and his trademark movement._

His _waddle._

And his _nearly inert and unresponsive_ gluteus maximus.

Everytoon looked at each other.

 _Oh dear…_


	7. Go – You Don't Know What It's Like

**GO – YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE…**

 _Naturally, the new technology hit Hollywood like a storm…_

[LOADING…]

 _HOLLYWOOD TURNED UPSIDE-DOWN — PROFITS FOR NEW HOLOGRAPHIC MOVIES PROJECTED AT 300 PERCENT OR MORE — CEO'S ON CLOUD NINE WITH NEW HOLOGRAMS_

 _Profits predicted higher for video technology manufacturers — "It's insane! All of Taiwan and Japan and Silicon Valley put together can't crank out the equipment orders even when working 24/7!" says Intel CEO._

[LOADING…]

 _EVERY STUDIO UPGRADING TO NEW TECHNOLOGY — ALL PREVIOUS FOOTAGE AND SYSTEMS TO BE DUMPED FOR NEW TECH — EVERY TAKE TO BE RESHOT WITH 360-DEGREE CAMERA-SCANNERS_

 _Electronic component recyclers overwhelmed — IT universities can't crank out tech crews fast enough, needed talent being imported from Latin America — Universities now offering express degrees in holography._

[LOADING…]

 _360-DEGREE MOVIES UNSTOPPABLE ALL OVER THE WORLD — CRITICS CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF THE NEW TECH — RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL AND THE CHINESE THEATRE TO REOPEN IN SIX WEEKS WITH NEW SETUP_

 _Latin America, India, Europe, Australia, and Africa scramble to upgrade to the new technology — Siskel II & Ebert Jr.: "360-degree movies is like being there, they're 100 times better than 3D." — Historic façades of both theatres to remain the same, historians relieved._

Sneezer and Sweetie were overwhelmed as each minute update brought in more and more national and international news of the new technology. And the thirty days given by Mr. Rodriguez to upgrade the entire studio didn't seem like enough time, not with all the sound stages that practically had to be rebuilt from the ground up. And then there was the issue of getting all those 256-bit computers, which were barely trickling in, since the computer manufacturers were overwhelmed with orders from all over the world.

Still, it wasn't as if they were completely helpless, or even out of their element. While the restart of movie and TV production was still a few weeks away, Lightning had the brilliant idea of starting small and gradually easing the crews and actors into the new filming—image capture—environment.

And that was by starting with making 360-degree _commercials_.

It was a strategic move, and a very good one. Filming—image capturing—just enough footage for a 30 or 60-second video, one at a time, would provide the needed experience for both crews and actors before they dove back in to TV series and feature films.

And that was what Sneezer and Sweetie were currently doing. They set aside their tablet and returned to their monitor screens beside the main scanner hub, a large black box from which emerged eight thick cables that were connected to the eight main camera-scanners set up around the sound stage, each with its own respective microphone.

So far this week they had filmed sportswear commercials, featuring both human and furry toons in just about every conceivable set they could conjure: a tennis court, a soccer pitch, a football field, a baseball field, an oval track, a basketball court, and even a cricket pitch. The videos hadn't given them any trouble: they received a pre-recorded image of the field or court, filmed the actor or actors as they followed their scripts, and later the post-production team fused the two footages together and added the voice-overs, graphics, and titles.

And with each new commercial, the pair picked up more speed and confidence as they worked with the new technology.

Today's commercial, unfortunately, threw a monkey wrench into everything they had done so far.

 _The ad called for an underwater scene in a promo for swimwear._

And here they couldn't rely on any pre-recorded underwater footage.

 _They had to do the whole thing from scratch because no image or video editing program could convincingly fuse an above ground foreground with an underwater background in 360 degrees._

So after a lot of running around in circles with the rest of the crew, they finally managed to find waterproof camera-scanners and set them up in one of the studio's outdoor pools.

It was certainly not the first time they had worked in an outdoor set, but it was the first time they worked with this type of technology outdoors _and_ underwater.

And as such, the control booth had to be disguised as part of the scenery, namely, one of the bleachers, and with a few green panels in strategic places, the console and booth, and everytoon inside would be rendered invisible and inaudible in the final cut.

Though if it wasn't stressful enough to be working under new conditions, it didn't help that Lightning Rodriguez was right behind them, supervising and monitoring the new method of filming in 360-degrees: outdoors and underwater.

Also beside them were a few curious toons who were observing the filming, since their upcoming scripts also called for either outdoor or underwater footage, or both: Calamity, naturally, since he was both directing the commercial and holding Lightning in his paw; Arnold Pit Bull, another close friend of Lightning; Little Beeper, the red roadrunner; and Wally Wolf, the black wolf with a white muzzle and red nose who had been cutting a rug in Lightning's party two months before.

The tiny duo's paws and wings flew over the miniature keypads, and after a few moments, they turned and gave Calamity the thumb-paw/wing up. The coyote nodded, stepped out from behind the bleacher, and signed, "QUIET ON THE SET! LIGHTS! ROLL CAMERA!" At his signal, drones with digital slates flew up to all the camera-scanners and clacked simultaneously.

"Rolling and speed, yup-yup."

Calamity then looked up and signed, "ACTION!"

And the reason why he looked up was because on the edge of one of the diving boards, six meters from the water, stood a jaguar clad in black trunks.

At the signal of "action", the feline raised his arms and jumped in a graceful swan dive, hitting the water in a perfectly straight line and barely causing a splash. Underwater, however, the take continued as he arched into a horizontal swim, still keeping his streamlined position, and he undulated his body, like a snake or crocodile, moving forward effortlessly. When he reached the middle point of the pool, he suddenly straightened up, flattened his ears, flexed his arms and balled his fists next to his head, bent his legs slightly, and roared underwater. After expelling all his air, a sign appeared near the wall that said, "CUT! PERFECT!" With that, the feline swam up and climbed out of the water. He shook himself mostly dry, and padded to a rack near the diving boards that had towels ready.

As that was going on….

Lightning looked at the panther on the preview screen, and couldn't help but wonder something. Racking his memory, he told the pit bull, "Yoo know, dat ees de most soleed-beelt leoparrd I've seen. Almosst looks like a barrel, too."

Arnold corrected him, "Zat iz no puny leppard, boss, zat iz ein jaguar."

The murid blinked, "Oh, I guess I got confused. Dose feline predatorrs oll look alike to me."

"Ja, und I talked to you about him before. He waz part of ze floorshow in your party two months ago. Ze leppard waz ze really skinny und puny one. Zis vun iz better filled out."

Sweetie and Sneezer froze.

 _THIS was the jaguar from the party?_

The canarymaid turned to her boss and chirped, "Um…EXCUSE me, Mr. Rodriguez…I have to…powder my beak. Be RIGHT BACK!" And she flew off.

Lightning, apparently ignoring her, replied, "I was wondereeng wherre I had seen heem beforre. He does look a lot better dan de leoparrd we saw last week."

"Ja, und he'd be much better in ze part of Vally'z adopted brother. Juzt give him a wig, und if he can speak with an Afrikan akzent, he'll be perfect."

Wally, meanwhile, was sitting right next to Arnold, arms crossed, minding his own business, but upon hearing Arnold's comment, he blinked and did a double take at the beefy canine.

 _What? I had already told my other friend that HE was going to get that part!_

The black wolf fumed to himself, but didn't growl or snarl, and limited his reactions to a light scowl as he tried to conjure a plan to help his leopard friend who had just been cut from a movie…

"Dat sounds like great idea, Arrnold. Let's feeneesh dees commerrshal and talk to dees guy."

Wally sat there, fuming and listening…

Everytoon looked at the preview screen of the scanned action, which was split into eight parts that showed the footage from eight different angles. The feline dove and swam gracefully, though when he straightened up and roared, one of the cameras zoomed in to his stomach, right on the waistline of his shorts, and focused on the "ADIDAS" logo. With a few taps of the virtual keyboards, a caption appeared:

ADIDAS SPORTSWEAR — AS TOUGH AS YOU, AND EVEN TOUGHER

Lightning clapped his tiny paws and squeaked, "Perrfect! Trooly perrfect! Get dat cat over herre!"

Calamity signed his thanks, and nodded at Arnold to call the jaguar to the control booth. The white canine stepped out to the sun and barked, "HEY, YOU PUNY GIRLY-FELINE JAGUAR YOU! GET YOUR ZOGGY TAIL HERE ZIS INZTANT!"

The onça in question was still drying himself next to the diving boards, but at the dog's holler-bark, he did a double take, shrugged, placed the towel on his shoulder—

[WARPUNWARP!]

—and was suddenly next to the pit bull. Arnold yiped with a yelp that was so high-pitched a few toons around him thought it came from a female. Quickly recovering, he straightened up and said, "Herr Rodriguez vantz to talk to you, puny feline."

The jaguar raised an eyebrow at that; slightly incredulous that Lightning Rodriguez himself was actually here, watching the image capturing of this commercial. He padded under the bleachers, and stiffened and lowered his ears when he saw both the studio's owner _and_ the film director.

The mouse was talking to the _other_ mouse, saying, "Dees ees groundbreakeeng! We'll be de firrst to do onderrwaterr commerrshals!" He turned, and saw the jaguar, "Derre yoo arre! Great diveeng eskeels, cat!"

Arnold padded beside the onça and slapped a very heavy right paw on his damp shoulder, "Herr Rodriguez juzt _might_ cazt you as Vally'z adopted brother in hiz next movie!"

It took a moment for the jaguar to straighten up after that _very_ manly greeting, but upon hearing the news, his ears and whiskers perked up, and he exclaimed, "Wh—what, you're serious? I'm gonna be in a movie? That's—that's amazing!"

Unfortunately, right there, a female voice shouted behind him, "Hey, J.A.M.!"

Again he stiffened, but this time, he not only flattened his ears, he also raised his hackles and puffed out his tail.

Moments later, Mary Melody—now clad in a purple tank top and black pants—skated up, with Sweetie trailing behind, and exclaimed with a huge smile, "That's The J.A.M.!"

The jaguar turned to her and snarled quietly before recovering and turning back to Lightning, "Well, Mr. Rodriguez…that…that was very kind of you…but I'm afraid I'm going to have to turn down your offer. Thanks anyway, but…no thank you."

The murid was confused again. He _didn't_ want to be in the movies? "Wait a meenoote, Meesterr J.A.M., why don't—"

The feline raised his heavy paws, silencing everytoon. "It's…not because I don't want to work in movies, Mr. Rodriguez. You see, before Miss Melody here refreshes your memory, you might as well know that…" he sighed and sagged. There went his chance at stardom. "…that I was the one who hit Mr. 'Possum with the skillet." He then turned and snarled at the humanmaid, "Believe me, I was aiming at Miss Melody!" Defeated, he shook the pit bull's paw and mewled, "Sorry about this, Arnold. I should've told you everything right from the start."

The feline was about to walk back to the locker rooms, but Mary blocked his path one more time. "Waittaminute, J.A.M., please don't go anywhere just yet. Lightning, what's going on?"

The CEO shrugged and replied, "Well, Mery, we werre gonna use heem een Wally's moovie, but eef Banjo and yoo arre oncomforrtable weeth heem worrkeeng herre—"

" _UNCOMFORTABLE_?!" spat the humanmaid, her face lighting up for the first time in eight weeks. "Boss, that's the most wonderful idea you've had yet!" She was about to give both the mouse and the feline a big hug, but she had to hold herself back just a little bit longer.

"I'll say, she's been looking for him for TWO MONTHS!" piped Sweetie, fluttering back to Sneezer's side.

Things didn't quite add up for the executive mouse. He gestured to Calamity to move him closer to the African-American, and asked, "Do yoo espeak forr Banjo, too?"

She frowned and held the jaguar's left paw tightly. The actress eyed her boss, moved her face as close to him as she could, and with uncanny valour, replied, "Banjo? Last I checked, I didn't work for him; I work for _you_ , Lightning! Look, Club Panthera's owner may do whatever Banjo tells him to do, but you're the top dog of this studio—!—well, top mouse, in your case. I'm more than willing—and pleased…" she smiled at the onça, "…to work with The J.A.M., if that's what you're telling me to do, because you're my boss, aren't you?"

Lightning looked at her.

Perhaps, just perhaps, he had given a few of his stars a bit too much leeway.

He straightened up, hiked up his pants, groomed his headfur, lowered his ears, and squeaked, "Why, yes, of _corrse_ I'm yoorr boss! And I _own_ dees estoodeeo and evereeteeng een eet!" He turned to the barrel-shaped feline and declared, "Meesterr J.A.M., yoo'rre hirred." The jaguar's eyes lit up, and his ears and tail perked up once more. The CEO turned to the pit bull and added, "Yoo! Make shoorr dat Banjo doesn't know he's herre, and tell dat to de rrest of de crew!" Arnold saluted and padded away. "Calameety! Take me to my office! I have a contract to preparre!"

"Sure thing, Lightning," signed the coyote, and also padded away.

As they left, the jaguar smiled and hollered, "Thank you, Mr. Rodriguez! THANK YOU SO MUCH!" And once they all left, he fist-pumped a few times, growling, "Yes! Yes! YES!"

But he stopped when Sneezer and Sweetie suddenly hovered in front of him.

The two prey toons didn't seem that afraid of him anymore, since they were also smiling at him. "It was about time WE FOUND YOU!"

"Yeah! We've been looking for you inside every cake in Los Angeles, yup-yup!"

With that, Sweetie carried her boyfriend away, knowing that her human friend was going to have a very heartfelt chat with her feline friend.

Mary looked at The J.A.M. and asked meekly, "Um…can…can we…talk, before you sign your contract?"

Seeing her so un-stuck up and un-lofty and un-arrogant and un-egotistical and un-smug and un-vain and—much to his surprise— _submissive_ , was enough to disarm him. "I…suppose we have time," he said softly, swallowing his previous aggressiveness. "Just give me a moment." He spun in place, and was now back in his normal attire of an oversize black t-shirt.

The humanmaid smiled, gently took hold of his furry arm, and the two padded/skated away from the pool area.

* * *

 _Later…_

As they padded/skated through the lots and around the sound stages, Mary continued holding his arm _very_ firmly, refusing to let him go, lest he disappear from the face of the Earth once more. And she wondered something, "J.A.M., why on earth did you decide to work at Rodriguez Brothers, if you knew that it was only a matter of time before we bumped into each other again? Considering…" she faltered, "…that you didn't want anything to do with me…"

He sighed. "It mostly had to do with me paying my rent. After Club Panthera gave me the boot, I was desperate to find _any_ type of work. So when Rodriguez Brothers suddenly made a call for 'all athletic toons, preferably felines, with good tail control,' well, I came here right away."

"But how is it that no one could find you? I was about to call the FBI, the CIA, and the NSA to help me look, you know!" she chuckled, repeating her friends' joke.

The onça smiled, "It helps that I _don't_ have an account on _any_ social media network. Not to mention that Club Panthera is very discreet with our private data, considering…well…you know…our line of work," he trailed off, feeling quite embarrassed, lowering his ears and curling his tail around his left ankle. "That, and I like my privacy. East LA has a few laws that help keep our home addresses out of junk mailing lists. But, if this new job of mine works out, I just _might_ be able to move somewhere…where I won't have to pay rent," he winked at her.

Mary smiled at that, and leaned her head on his very solid shoulder again. "Just sky-high property taxes, then?" she chuckled slightly.

The jaguar also smiled and raised his ears, but then noticed that several toons, both crew and actors, were eyeing them oddly. "Um, are you sure that it's in your best interests to be seen in public with me?" he asked.

She eyed him too, "Oh? Do you mean a 'star' with a 'bit player'?"

He put a heavy paw on her hand, "No, it's not that. It's…look, shouldn't you be eating a five-course banquet with Mr. 'Possum right now? It _is_ lunchtime, you know."

At that, the humanmaid released him and skated in front of him. "Are you still hung up on that? Look, J.A.M., everything you hear about Banjo and me is nothing but publicity. That's one of the heartaches of working in showbiz."

The feline crossed his arms and swished his tail. "Oh? From my point of view, it kinda seems more than that, at least from what I could deduce from all those articles in the blogs I've read—"

"Blogs?" she blurted, smiling. "Oh, so you just _happen_ to read the blogs after all, hmm?" She, too, crossed her arms and leaned toward him.

Stuttering, he leaned back a bit, ears lowering and tail curling down again, "I…um…that is…I kinda sorta get them on my newsfeeds while I'm in the gym or at the dentist…you know…just like anybody would."

She leaned closer. "Do you really?"

"I…well…I…kinda…subscribe to four or five…24-hour feeds…"

Her eyes practically popped out of her face, _"You subscribe to four or five—?!"_

The J.A.M. hushed her by placing a heavy paw on her mouth. "YES!" he growled, "But what I'm getting at, Mary, is that…" he released her, raised his ears, and the two resumed their walk. "The thing is that…you and Banjo have a chemistry that very few other actor pairings have achieved in Hollywood. You two have this…this… _intimacy_ in every movie you've done and—"

She abruptly skated in front of him again, "Excuse me, but did you say 'every' movie I've done?"

Stuttering again, and lowering his ears and curling his tail once more, he looked away, "I…um…well…now that you mention it, I've seen…well… _all of them_ …several times over…in the theatre and on movie chip…"

She skated circles around him, trying not to laugh, " _All of them_ , you say? You know, I suddenly remember a certain Lofty Movie Critic who said: 'If you've seen one, you've seen them all'!"

It was his turn to become submissive, as his ears remained against his head. Raising his eyes at her, he sighed, "That night I was quite the most rude and impolite and boorish and disrespectful toon you've ever met, wasn't I?"

Mary raised her hand and was about to berate him, but she, too, sagged at the memory. "Maybe, J.A.M., but you did kinda say one or three things that I both deserved and needed to hear." He raised an eyebrow at her. "Because of what you said, you made me realise that both Banjo and I have been…well…'coasting' on our previous successes, regardless of whether we're talented or not, and yes, we _have_ been cranking out recycled movies over and over and over, but hopefully, all of that will change with this new technology that we're scrambling to install. Though I would like to clarify one thing." She rolled up to him, noses almost touching, and with slight anger in her eyes, stated, "J.A.M., I don't snort cocaine. I have better things to do with my life than destroying my nose and brain with that garbage. Yes, I've known—personally—actors and actresses who've used that junk as if it was candy, and yes, I've seen their lives go down the drain because of it. Seeing their experiences with it is enough to keep _me_ well away from it…not to mention that the California State Police has gotten a few 'anonymous' tips concerning dealers and users in this area."

The jaguar padded back at that, and moments later, he rubbed his head. "Geez…look, normally here I would blame the media for portraying all of you in such a bad light, but…" he sighed again and turned away, "…that's one thing I should have never said that night. I'm so sorry, Mary."

The African-American sighed too, and rolled around him to face him once more. "Look, J.A.M., I won't say that I was never tempted by it. I've been through quite a number of very stressful situations, and in some parties I've been in those toons seemed so carefree…but…looking at them the following day scared me straight. As for the rest of what you said that night, yes, you did hurt me, and yes, I was _very_ upset for _weeks_ because of what you said. I've been so upset that…" she held his arm, and resumed their walk, "…that I haven't been able to get you out of my mind since that party."

"Really?" he asked, genuinely surprised, raising his ears again.

"You bet. But I do wonder one thing: if you've been such a huge fan of me and my movies…why did you behave so rudely and pretend you didn't know who I was? You'd think that me dropping in your car would have been any fanboy's fantasy come true, you know," she laughed.

He laughed too, and explained, "That's a good question, Mary. And the explanation is this: I came to California looking to work in showbiz as well, and yes, I've auditioned for a few acting companies that work in the new 360-degree stage theatres, but nothing definite had come up in months, so I was kinda desperate to find a job, otherwise I would have had to sell my car. And, as you know, what I did at Club Panthera wasn't exactly the most dignified of professions. So I was quite upset that night because I had been assigned to that 'house call' instead of working at the Club itself. I detested 'house calls' because even though they pay more, they're kind of unpredictable, as you saw," she winced here, "not just because of who we might meet in private homes, but also because if any minor should happen to appear, everytoon would be in trouble, both the dancers and the hosts. And sometimes the hosts can get _really_ drunk or high and get _very_ aggressive or…um…uncomfortably affectionate with us."

"Oh…I'm sorry to hear that," she held his arm tighter.

"So I was driving that night, quite upset…and suddenly, the most beautiful angel in the universe flew down from Heaven and sat next to me," he smiled.

Mary's eyes widened, "Aw, really?"

"Well, at first I thought you were one of your body doubles, after all, why would a wonderful girl like you be jumping off buses and into unsuspecting convertibles?" They both laughed. "And yes, you did scare me—I had heard of quite a number of altercations that have happened between Blacks and Latinos—but that policeman helped straighten things out."

"Thank God. You really scared me with your gun, you know!" She squeezed his arm again.

"It's a precautionary device, considering where I live. But once I realized who you were, I thought that you were _very_ angry with me, so I figured that the least I could do was offer you a ride."

Mary rubbed his arm, "That was very chivalrous of you."

"Unfortunately, I also thought that Banjo was your official boyfriend, so when you started flirting with me and…well…coming on to me…I thought you were two-timing him, and once again I assumed that you were just another example of another Hollywood stereotype. You know, the one that has every actor and actress basically…well…trading partners and boyfriends and girlfriends and wives and husbands at the drop of a hat, instead of striving to maintain long-term relationships."

"And because you thought I was 'cheating' on Banjo, you got angry with me?"

"That's basically it, yes. Of course, once we were at Mr. Rodriguez's house and I saw that you and Banjo _weren't_ a couple, I…felt really awful…and assumed that you would want nothing to do with me after that. That's why I tried to keep a low profile here, and stay away from both you and Banjo, since I assumed that both of you would be out to get back at me for what I did. I've been…pretty upset for the past two months as well, Mary."

Again, she rolled in front of him, halting their walk. "J.A.M., look, I…well, seeing you again at last…well…now that I…" She faltered again.

 _And she never faltered unless she was either very confused, or very nervous._

 _Or very love-smitten._

"Are you okay?" he asked, tilting his head.

"J.A.M., look. I'm…I'm trying to say something to you, but I…ugh! I'm such a ham when I'm not working with a script or the proper setting!"

He tilted his head the other way. "Script? What do you mean? What are you trying to say?"

Mary looked at him, raised her hands, opened her mouth, but held still for a few seconds. She sagged in frustration, but just then, a white LED lit up above her head. "I have an idea! Come here!" She grabbed his paw and the two ran/skated across the lot before they abruptly turned and dashed into a warehouse-type structure. Once inside, she shut the door and turned on the lights. With a flourish, she declared, "This is the proper setting!"

The jaguar looked around, and after a few moments, could only comment, "Um…this is an empty sound stage."

Which was true. Several thousand square metres in size, with a very high ceiling, the warehouse only featured several green screens, two 4 × 10m white canvas screens, diverse sound and lighting equipment, rigging, cranes—no cameras, oddly enough—but on one corner there was a computer workstation with a _very_ large monitor, and a stylus.

At his comment, the humanmaid led the feline deeper inside. "Only at first glance, but wait just one second." She sat down at the workstation and turned on the computer. A virtual keyboard hologram projected on the desk, and after a few moments, the screen read, "MACINTOSH OS XLVII KILAUEA". She then ran the paint program, grabbed the stylus, and tilted the monitor back before pulling it closer, so it now functioned as an old-fashioned drawing table. As she worked on the image, she said, "Now, you're a jungle native, right?"

The J.A.M. nodded.

"Well, this should be very familiar to you. Let's bring up some jungle scenery with mountains…Latin American, of course…" The stylus flew all over the screen as she worked the various tools, bringing up stock images and styling them to her heart's content. The screen soon displayed a picture of a mountain rainforest in the daytime. "With a beautiful sunset…" The image lighting shifted into a strong orange tone, and it showed the sun near the left edge. "A bit of mist from the mountains, as the temperature and pressure drop…" The image conjured fog in the valleys. "And we add a cliff on the mountain we're standing…it's bathed in the orange light of the setting sun…we add a bit of a breeze as the shifting air races between the hills and valleys…the fireflies start lighting up as the sun goes down…aaaaaand print!"

The impromptu artist pressed "enter" on the virtual keyboard, and from a large black box nearby, four long mechanical arms came to life. The end of each arm had a large white-gloved hand, which in turn held an enormous paintbrush; each brush dripped with black, cyan, magenta, and yellow paint, respectively. The whole contraption moved to one canvas, and with mechanical precision, painted the image that Mary had just created.

The jaguar stood there, quite impressed, because while he had heard of these industrial-sized printers, he had never seen one up close, much less seen one at work.

"Better than a green screen, don't you think?" she asked.

"Oh, yes," he chuckled.

She then stood and led him to the canvas, waiting for the robot arms to finish. Once the last drop of paint was laid, another robot arm approached. It held what appeared to be a huge hair dryer, and when it reached the top left of the canvas, it activated with a high pitched whine, and it moved back and forth all across the fabric, drying the paint.

"Gotta love technology," said the jaguar.

Once the machine finished its work, the arms folded up and nestled neatly back into their housing.

Mary then looked at her new boyfriend and held his paw tightly. "Now, my dear sir, would you do me the honour of…" she looked into his eyes, "…entering my world?"

The feline didn't say anything, but simply smiled, and the loving couple stepped into the picture.

Now the two were walking slowly on the rainforest-covered mountain, headed for the cliff, and toward the setting sun. Insects and birds filled the ambience with their characteristic calls and wing and leg sounds.

Still looking lovingly at him, she commented, "You look very handsome in the sunset, J.A.M. Your orange fur blends in nicely."

Almost overwhelmed, he replied, "Um…thanks, Mary…I do try to use the right fur shampoo…"

She was about to continue, but then looked down at herself. "Oh, I seem to have forgotten my own setting-appropriate wardrobe. No wonder I was feeling overdressed. Excuse me a moment…" Before the panther could ask what she was referring to, the actress spin-changed, and emerged wearing nothing but a leopard print bikini, with a band on her left ankle and a bow on her hair. [fav me/d26e40m] "Since I've already seen you in both shorts and a speedo, I guess it's only fair that you get a…similar view of my person," she blushed, striking a pose for him.

Naturally, the male couldn't help but stare at her body, and the way it shaped the bikini so very well. His ears rotated forward, and the tip of his tail curled up. "W…wow…you should do jungle movies more often, Mary…"

She posed again for him for a moment, "Oh, you flatterer, you…"

Trying to bring his hormones back in control, the feline stuttered, "Um…well, we…seem to have the proper setting here. Can…um…can you say that which you wanted to say just now?"

Mary was about to approach him, but then stopped. "Uh…not yet. I might express myself better with a song. Hold on a moment…"

Reaching into her pocket, she fished out her iPod Yocto™ and spoke into it, "Search…romantic songs…all genres…"

The jaguar looked on as the tiny hologram projection displayed the list of requested songs, and began scrolling. When the actress found one she liked, she tapped the hologram, and it retreated into the case.

"You're going to use a 60-year-old song to say what you need to say?" he asked, a trifle bewildered.

"Oh, trust me, J.A.M. there are things that ancient songs like this one can say better than anything today can." She set her iPod on a large rock and said, "Play track fifteen, full karaoke mode." The humanmaid then turned to the panther and sighed as she looked into his eyes. "Better…better than what I can say on my own…"

And the song began. [youtu be/XrWqDv3Kfsg]

There was a brief introduction with violins and a harp, during which she took him by the right arm and turned him to face the sunset. Mary sang:

 _"There's a light…a certain kind of light…"_ She seemed a tad frustrated.

 _"That never shone on me!"_ The sun then shone on him, but not on her, strangely enough.

 _"I want my life to be…lived with you…lived with you…"_ She leaned into him and rubbed his arm.

 _"There's a way…everybody say…_

 _To do each and every little thing."_ She looked into his eyes again.

 _"But what does it bring…?"_ She shook her head.

 _"If I ain't got you…ain't got you—"_ Mary released him and stood in front of him.

.

 _"Baby, you don't know what it's like."_ She balled her fists in front of her for emphasis.

 _"Baby, you don't know what it's like—_

 _To love somebody…to love somebody…"_ She blushed, hugged herself, and looked away slightly.

 _"…The way I love you…"_ Mary tried to push down her blush and moved into the next stanza:

.

 _"In my brain…I see your face again!"_ All during the time she searched for him after the party.

 _"I know my frame of mind!"_ She turned to the cliff and sunset.

 _"You ain't got to be so blind…!"_ She covered her eyes.

 _"And I'm blind…so-so-so very blind…"_ And shook her head in frustration.

 _"A woman I am…can't you see that I am?"_ She turned and presented herself to him.

 _"I live and I breathe for you!"_ She pointed at him, making him stand back, ears low.

 _"But what good does it…do…?"_ She slowly turned away and pondered,

 _"If I ain't got you…ain't got you—"_ Now, however, the jaguar joined her, ears up:

.

 _"Baby, you don't know what it's like."_ What? He felt it too?

 _"Baby, you don't know what it's like—"_ He squeezed her right hand.

 _"To love somebody…to love somebody…"_ He smiled, curled his tail around her waist, and blushed as well:

 _"…The way I love you."_ Mary felt her emotions swell along with the music. He truly loved her too? The two exclaimed:

.

 _"Awwww—no! You don't know what it's like!"_ Both squeezed each other's hands/paws.

 _"Baby, you don't know what it's like—!"_ The cliff faded away below them.

 _"To love somebody…to love somebody…"_ The jungle faded away around them.

 _"The way I love you."_ Their emotions finally released:

.

 _"No, no, no, no, no, no! You don't know what it's like!_

 _You don't know what it's like—!_

 _To love somebody…to love somebody…_

 _The way I love you…"_ Finally, the sunset faded away, leaving the couple alone as they shared their first kiss in a loving embrace…


	8. Roku – In 360º

**ROKU – IN 360°**

And as the crews prepared, practiced, and trained with the new technology, the actors and actresses too, had to learn the new way of acting…

[LOADING…]

 _HOLLYWOOD TURNS ITS BACK ON AUDIENCES…IN ORDER TO ACT WITH TAILS AND_ DERRIÈRES _— FOURTH WALL IS BROKEN FOREVER — BODY DOUBLES OUT OF WORK AS CELEBRITIES FINALLY ACT FRONT AND BACK_

 _Choreographers being brought in from all over the world to coach actors in acting with their backs — Where can they address the audience now? The ceiling? — Feline and Mustelid choreographers highest in demand_

The dance studio was quite a typical one: a polished wood-panelled floor and the walls lined with full-length mirrors, and hand-bars installed in front of them. The door of the dance studio had a plaque that read:

 **FURRBALL CAT**

 **CHOREOGRAPHER**

And inside, both Mary and Banjo were in their daily 360-degrees acting lessons.

Mary wore a red tank top and black bicycle pants, and was _sans_ her skates once more, choosing to work barefooted, deferring to both her teacher and Banjo.

The marsupial's chosen comfortable attire was a white tank top and dark blue trunks, with white wristbands, and a white headband as well.

Their teacher, a grey-blue cat with part of his left ear missing in what eerily resembled a bite mark, was comfortable in only his fur, save for one thin white bandage near the tip of his tail. Not that he had much choice concerning wardrobe, since his students _had_ to look at his muscles in movement in order to learn properly how to act full-body.

He pulled out a series of signs that read, "So in review, the trick to acting full-body is basically to imagine that you have a face on the back of your head. If your front face is happy, your back, tail, and/or butt has to be happy. If your front face is angry, your back, tail, and/or butt has to be angry as well. Tensed or relaxed muscles convey as much emotion as the mouth or eyes can, provided that you know where and when to tense and relax them, much the same way you move your facial muscles."

Furrball padded away a bit and turned his back to them. He signed, "Happy." Even though the opossum and the humanmaid couldn't see his face, the way the cat curled the tip of his tail, raised his ears, stood on his toes slightly, and relaxed his fingers, clearly conveyed gladness.

"Sad."

He lowered his ears and shoulders, and let his tail drop to the floor. In fact, every muscle on his back and legs seemed to sag.

"Never drag your tail on the floor unless you're displaying downright depression. Now: Angry."

Every single muscle tensed and trembled slightly, and his tail and hackles puffed up while his ears flattened. Being a feline, his claws unsheathed.

"The difference between Angry and Scared is that in Angry, you tense up and make yourself look bigger, and in Scared, you tense up but make yourself look smaller. Now: Sexy."

He relaxed completely, but perked his ears up, and slowly rotated his hips back and forth.

"You have to draw the audience's attention to your butt, whether you're male or female. Even if you're standing still, your hand positions have to direct your audience's eyes to your butt."

He leaned slightly to his left, but his right hand was on his hip, moving in a slow caress.

Turning to them again, he added, "And from there you have the combinations of walking, running, and next week we'll cover swimming." The actress gulped. "Now, that's enough for a review. Stand here, turn around, and act according to the sign, which you'll see in the mirrors, of course."

Quite nervous, Mary did as she was instructed, while Banjo padded to his initial position, seemingly bored. They both focused on Furrball's reflection on the mirror in front of them, and waited for his instructions.

"Angry!"

Both actors tensed their shoulders and lowered their heads slightly. Balling their fists, their arms straightened fully, while standing slightly on their toes. All of the muscles in the humanmaid's legs were flexed—

Furrball blinked. Sure, the opossum had his hackles raised, but his tail remained limp on the floor, and only his calves were slightly tensed as he stood on his toes. He tried again:

"Happy!"

The actress almost clasped both hands to the side of her face, but she managed to relax and bounced slightly on her toes.

The actor also bounced, but his tail and buttocks remained unresponsive.

The cat scratched his head, and signed, "Try to perk up your tail a bit more, Mr. 'Possum. Miss Melody has no tail, but her butt still looks happier than yours."

The humanmaid blushed while the marsupial almost snarled, and raised his tail about one centimetre from the floor.

The feline face-palmed, and with his ears low and hackles raised, signed, "SEXY!"

Mary blushed again, but did as directed. She shifted her legs, curved her spine, and placed her left hand on her hip.

Banjo crossed his arms, but then remembered that he had to act with his tail, so he uncrossed his arms and tried tapping his hips slightly. And his tail flopped on the floor once more.

"Okay, give me a sexy walk! Just walk toward the mirror, and make it convincing!"

The African-American had no problem; all she had to do was walk with one foot in front of the other, making her hips rotate provocatively.

Her co-star, on the other paw, was obviously giving it his best, meaning that he was swaying his hips back and forth, giving the impression that he was sweeping the floor with his tail.

Furrball yowled in desperation, stomped toward the door, and banged his head on it several times.

 _This was Banjo's fifth week and he STILL couldn't act with his tail._

His students turned around at the sound of the banging, and once they saw him, Banjo chuckled and bragged, "Heh, would yew look at that! Ah've got th'teacher all flustered! Heh heh heh heh!"

Mary just shook her head, closed her eyes, and rubbed her forehead.

 _Maybe his tail and butt can be digitally enhanced…?_

* * *

But eventually, all the computers and camera-scanners and all the rest of the equipment arrived. All the sound stages were upgraded, the crews finished their training, and the actors finished their lessons.

It was finally time to continue making movies.

Banjo, Mary, and the entire film crew were back on the barn set, with the same blue screens everywhere, but this time there wasn't one 3D camera in front of them, but eight camera-scanners all around them instead, each with its respective microphone, though hidden behind the screens. The two actors were back in costume, all the props were in place, and the multiple lights softened all the shadows.

One major difference here was that there was now a control booth on one side of the sound stage, painted green, and its viewing window had an innovative greenish coating on its exterior. Inside the booth everytoon could see the set without problems, but outside the cameras would pick up the green tone as part of the green screens, rendering the booth and everything and everytoon in it invisible.

Calamity stood in the middle of the set and signed, "Okay, toons, let's pick it up from where we left off! QUIET ON THE SET!" Everytoon hushed, and he padded toward the booth as the slate drones hovered in front of each camera. Just before he entered, he signed, "LIGHTS! ROLL CAMERA!"

"Rolling and speed, yup-yup," said Sneezer inside.

"ACTION!" and the coyote shut the door, just as all eight slates clacked. Standing in front of the console, he stared at the eight monitors that were recording the images, seemingly oblivious of Sweetie and Sneezer next to him, whose paws and wings were flying all over the virtual keyboards as they worked the camera-scanners.

Mary had no problems entering the barn and walking up to Banjo, and even in her 19th Century full-length dress, her hips were clearly showing the intentions of the "landowner". Calamity smiled at that and wagged his tail, and saw the "landowner" surprise the "stableboy" with a very sultry smile, almost making him drop his broom. Then came Banjo's line:

"J-Josie! Whut're yew doin' here? There are slavers everywhere!"

Calamity was quite giddy, until Sweetie suddenly piped loudly, "Banjo's BLOCKING Camera 4!"

The coyote shifted his eyes to the monitor in question, and saw that indeed, the only thing that the camera-scanner was picking up was Banjo's back, namely, grey fur and parts of his denim suspender.

Snarling, ears low, hackles raised, and tail stiff, the canine burst out the booth and signed, "CUT!"

Naturally, he startled everytoon on the set.

Mary asked, "Huh? What was wrong with that, Cal?"

Taking a deep breath, he replied, " _You_ are doing excellently, Mary. Banjo is…" He turned to the marsupial, "Banjo, did you forget your position marks? There's a camera-scanner right behind you, on the wall!"

The actor blinked his beady eyes at the director, turned, and saw that on the "wall", which was actually a green screen, one "knot hole" was actually where the camera-scanner lens was. He turned to the director and asked, "So?"

Barely suppressing a snarl, Calamity signed, "Banjo, you _have_ to remember that you're not acting for just _one_ camera-scanner, but for _eight_!"

"Ah don't get it. Ah was actin' with mah face an' tail, even t'that camera, wasn't Ah, Mr. Furrball?"

The choreographer in question was also observing the filming-scanning, much to his frustration, since it was obvious that the marsupial still needed coaching. He padded up to Banjo and signed, "You were, sorta, but remember: you're startled. Stiffen your tail!" Furrball lowered his ears, tensed his arms, extended his claws, and puffed his tail, curling it slightly toward his right. "Your tail curls in the direction of the person who scared you."

Banjo looked at him, shrugged, and tried to mimic the pose, and while his tail shifted, it only managed to brush the floor slightly, curling only at the tip.

"Heh, an improvement," signed the cat, but he still shook his head.

"ENOUGH!" The canine stomped over to the actor and bared his teeth at him, "Banjo, each camera-scanner position is labelled on the floor." They all looked down, and saw arrows with a slightly lighter green tone pointing in eight different directions.

"Go on?" asked the marsupial, unsure of where he was getting at.

The director continued, still baring his teeth, "One is right behind you, on that knot hole. And you have to act to each and every single camera-scanner. The images then go to the computer and are saved on disk. But you have to remember the camera positions and _not_ block them! Try it once more, please!" he whined.

The opossum felt a migraine coming on, and he lowered his ears and rubbed his head, "Geez, this is stupid…"

Getting quite frustrated herself, Mary placed a calming hand on both of their shoulders, "He'll get it right on the next take, Cal, don't worry." She turned to her co-worker and sighed, "Banjo, just relax. Everytoon is always a bit nervous on the first day of filming, and more when it's the first time we try out new equipment. Just remember your lessons, and we'll crank out yet another box office hit." Both males sighed and nodded. Banjo returned to his initial position, and Calamity was about to return to the booth, but the actress stopped him, "Oh, wait, Cal! Do you know the part where I say, 'Oh, imperious prince of the night'?"

The director nodded tiredly.

"That line sounds just a bit corny. I know Josie is a smart businesswoman, but remember that she's talking to an illiterate stableboy. Couldn't I just say something simple like: 'I love you, Billy. I love you, dear Billy. I love you, dearest Billy!'"

The coyote snarled and signed, "FINE! Do it the way you're most comfortable with, but remember to say it to _all eight cameras_!"

Mary smiled, and returned to her initial position.

Calamity stomped back to the booth, signing, "ONE MORE TIME! QUIET ON THE SET! LIGHTS! ROLL CAMERA!"

"Rolling and speed, yup-yup."

Again the slate drones moved into position, and again they clacked simultaneously. "ACTION!"

Once again, the canine stared at the monitors, this time with angry features.

Once again, Mary sultried up to Banjo.

And once again, he said his line:

"J-Josie! Whut are yew doin' here? There are slavers everywhere!"

This time he did drop the broom. However, he swung his hips in the actress' direction in order to make his tail "curl" toward her, and as he did, his tail hit the broom, which then slid across the floor and bumped into one green screen, shifting it slightly.

Calamity snarled when he saw Camera 2 suddenly turn completely green.

Growling very audibly now, he stormed outside once more. "CUT!"

Mary facepalmed, and stepped back.

Stomping toward the actor, the director signed, "Banjo! Don't you remember what we told you yesterday? NEVER TOUCH THE SCREENS!" Turning to the rest of the crew, he growled, "Fix Screen Two! NOW!"

As they did, the opossum growled himself, raised his hackles, lowered his ears, and spat, "LOOKEE HERE! Ah'm tryin' th'best Ah can, but ya'll keep tellin' me t'do one thing at first but then ya'll tell me _not_ to do it raght after! MAKE UP YEWR FRIGGIN' MIND!"

The coyote took a deep breath. He closed his eyes, and exhaled slowly, calming his features.

"Okay, okay, okay. I suppose…we're going to have to improvise…"

* * *

 _Later…_

Mary stood on her initial position, again, even more frustrated, and waited for Wardrobe to do their work.

The opossum stared at the brown-red catmaid as she tied…something…to the middle of his tail. "Jus' _whut_ are yew doin' with mah tail?"

Werekitty replied flatly, "We're preparing you for some 'slick tail action', lover boy." She then looked at her work: a piece of nearly invisible elastic stretched from one of the creases of Banjo's tail, went around his torso, and was tied off neatly just under his shoulder blades.

"Whut?"

Just then, a slightly happier Furrball—as his curled tail showed—padded up to him and signed, "That's perfect! Banjo, now you can move your tail with more freedom, and it won't drag on the floor at all! But be sure to work your glutes as well!"

The marsupial growled, lowered his ears, and rubbed his temples, "Ugh! Everytoon is givin' me a _headache_!"

Calamity, with a frustrated sigh and low ears, calmly padded up to him, and signed, "Okay, Banjo, here's the new setup: your tail will now float and bounce thanks to that elastic. You won't have to hip-check anytoon anymore in order to express emotion. Now, don't block the cameras, and don't touch the green screens, please."

The actor sighed as well and nodded, waddling back into position, with his tail swinging freely behind him.

"Okay, QUIET ON THE SET! LIGHTS! ROLL CAMERA!"

"Rolling and speed, yup-yup."

Calamity stomped back to the door, the slate drones clacked, and he signed, "ACTION!"

Once again, the canine stared at the monitors, but with tired ears this time.

Once again, Mary sultried up to Banjo.

And once again, he said his line:

"J-Josie! Whut are yew doin' here? There are slavers everywhere!"

The coyote raised an eyebrow.

Something wasn't right.

And then, he saw it.

Just as soon as Banjo curled his tail around him, it suddenly swung back and curled the other way, over and over…

 _…like an angry cat…_

"Why isn't he stopping his tail, huh-huh?"

Snarling _and_ growling this time, with hackles raised and stiff ears and tail, Calamity stormed back outside. "CUT!"

* * *

 _Even later…_

Mary was rubbing her eyes and temples, once again in her initial position.

 _Ugh, if_ The Rapper _had terrible actors like Banjo, no wonder Ron and Hillary didn't like it. And with this new media being so unbelievably complicated, unless one gets the hang of it, one can ruin the whole thing…I hope Banjo gets better eventually; he_ definitely _can't get any worse._

But she then looked at her co-star, and thought:

 _We're never going to finish this movie…_

Banjo stood there, quite bored, as Werekitty tied yet _another_ piece of elastic from his tail to his back. He would have crossed his arms, but the catmaid needed him to keep his arms up. The strings now led to both shoulder blades.

Calamity smiled with tired features. "All righty then, we shouldn't have any more problems. Banjo, your tail should be quite stable now, with two points of elasticity. Gentle movements should be enough to make your tail express emotions, and it will only take gentle movements to stop it, okay?"

"Whutevah…" sighed the bored toon.

"Oh, and when you walk, put your heel down first, not your whole foot-paw! _That's_ what's making you waddle. Also, try not to swing your tail too quickly, or the strings might snap. Ready?"

The opossum nodded.

The coyote whined this time, very tiredly. "Very well then. Quiet on the set…lights…roll camera…"

"Rolling and speed, yup-yup."

Slate drones.

"Action…"

Once again, the canine stared at the monitors, practically depressed.

Once again, Mary sultried up to Banjo.

And once again, he said his line:

"J-Josie! Whut are yew doin' here? There are slavers everywhere!"

A few moments before, however, Lightning Rodriguez had entered the sound stage through one of the side doors, and squeaked, "Okay, what's dees I hearr about dees moovie being delayed? What's goeeng on—?"

Werekitty saw him storm inside, so she quickly blocked his path, dropping to all-fours in front of him, silently hushing him and pointing at one of the red lights on the wall that had the sign:

 **QUIET WHEN THE LIGHT IS RED.**

 **FILMING-SCANNING IN PROGRESS.**

The mouse winced, and nodded at the catmaid, silently thanking her for her quick thinking. He padded back a bit to see how the scene was progressing, but he squeaked again as his left footpaw stepped on something. Looking down, he wondered why there was a piece of broken concrete on the floor, obviously a leftover from the upgrades and installation.

Angry at the janitors' apparent lack of attention to detail, he kicked the concrete pebble away from the set and toward a pile of trash in one corner.

With impeccable aim from his soccer days, Lightning inavertedly sent the rock into a leftover U-joint of green conduit plastic pipe, and the projectile shot out the opposite end…

…right toward the set.

No toon saw the rock, but it did hit the elastics that held Banjo's tail to his back, and snapped them, so his next line sounded like this:

"…They're spread all throughOUT-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW!"

Mary rolled on the floor and laughed like never before as she saw her co-star try to grab his back and hold the stinging points where the elastic had snapped and whipped him.

Calamity, meanwhile, just whined, padded to a wall, and pounded his head on it repeatedly…


	9. Nana – Victims Of Technology

**NANA – VICTIMS OF TECHNOLOGY**

Given the fully digital format that the movie was stored in, the studio didn't have to waste a single frame of celluloid film, much less throw away reel after expensive reel containing hundreds of hours of useless takes. Every second of the image capture was safely stored away on meta-high density memory chips, and with the innovative new data compression algorithms, one chip could theoretically store the entire master footage of at least ten feature-length movies.

But eventually, despite all the bloopers and technical problems and setbacks, _Song of the North_ was finished: edited and mastered.

That is, the test footage of it was finished. As with any movie in Hollywood, before it's released nationwide and then sent to international markets, it's first shown in a limited screening to test the audience's reactions, and thusly make any modifications if necessary.

That was why _Song of the North_ wasn't being screened at the Chinese Theatre, but at a smaller, more modest theatre elsewhere in Los Angeles. In fact, the holo-billboards weren't even displaying the name of the movie, instead, they just declared:

 **SPECIAL PREVIEW TONIGHT ONLY**

The turnout wasn't overwhelming, either. An unusually chilly winter night was keeping most of the crowds away, and the current rain was very likely to turn into sleet later in the early morning hours, perhaps even into snow.

Which was fine for the cast and crew of Rodriguez Brothers. One dark blue hover-van, courtesy of the studio, arrived at the theatre and dropped off Mary, Sneezer, Sweetie, and The J.A.M. The males were sporting dark jackets, while Mary had a purple blouse and dress, over which she had another black satin coat, and Sweetie wore a light brown dress and a dark brown winter coat over it.

The jaguar courteously stepped out first, opened an umbrella, and helped the actress emerge, again with her tiny friends perched on her shoulders.

As the hover-van sped off, Sneezer said, "You two shouldn't go inside together, nope-nope."

Mary blinked and added, "He's right. Banjo's probably waiting for me right next to the entrance." Saddened, she held the jaguar's paws, "Oh, J.A.M., I really want to—"

The onça smiled softly, curled his tail and perked his ears, placing a heavy finger on her lips. "Don't worry about him, Mary. I'll be in the back row leading your cheering section. You'll know where I'm sitting if you just follow the excited roars," he chuckled. "Now, get in there, and enjoy your movie." He leaned closer, gave her a very light kiss on the lips, and handed her his umbrella.

Quite flustered, she blushed, but reluctantly took the parasol and sadly skated away from him into the theatre.

"Miss Melody," signed the usher at the entrance, a basset hound with skin so wrinkly that his eyes were nearly invisible.

"Good evening," she replied automatically, wishing the jaguar's warm fur was still next to her.

The feline, meanwhile, despondently watched her skate inside, without him, and for a while he just stood there in the rain, ears low and tail on the ground, before suddenly realising he was getting soaked. He shook himself, and also went inside, being careful to avoid any male opossums.

* * *

 _Later…_

Most of the audience felt as if they were about to watch a boxing match, or even a concert, given the way the seats were arranged around the large white platform that was in the middle of the large hall. Many didn't know it, but this was going to be this theatre's first 360-movie screening after it had been upgraded and remodelled.

In the middle of one section, halfway between the first and the last row, sat Calamity, with Lightning on his right shoulder, Mary, with Sneezer and Sweetie on her shoulders, and Banjo. The males all had dark sport jackets, and Banjo even wore a black bowtie just for the occasion.

While the audience was more or less relaxed and expectant, Calamity's ears were low again and he was very much biting his claws off his paws. Even Mary was tense and nervous at what the audience's reactions would be. Lightning, however, had his ears perked and seemed happy and confident in his movie, given that he had, in his opinion, the best cast and crew in Hollywood. Banjo, meanwhile, also with perked ears, was very much smug with himself, proud of his new achievement, and lastly, Sneezer, also with low ears, and Sweetie, were neither nervous nor happy, but worried at how nervous Mary was.

No toon said anything, though, and they simply waited.

The lights dimmed slightly, and the hologram projectors came to life.

And as with any movie theatre, everytoon had to first endure 10 minutes of advertisements, mostly for the theatre chain, holo-phones, some chewing gum, and previews for other 360-degree movies, as well as instructions of turning off their phones and tablets.

When that was over, the lights shut off completely, and the main feature began.

The opening credits rolled on the display platform and the orchestral music flowed:

 ** _A RODRIGUEZ BROTHERS PRODUCTION_**

 ** _A LIGHTNING RODRIGUEZ FILM_**

 ** _BANJO THE WOODPILE 'POSSUM_**

 ** _MARY MELODY_**

 ** _IN_**

 ** _SONG OF THE NORTH_**

 ** _A FULL 360-DEGREE FEATURE PRESENTATION_**

 ** _DIRECTED BY CALAMITY COYOTE_**

 ** _HOLOGRAPHY DIRECTED BY SWEETIE BIRD AND SNEEZER MOUSE_**

 ** _MUSIC BY RICHARD STONE II_**

The credits had to scroll horizontally in order for the entire audience to read them, and they flowed smoothly around the air above the display platform.

So far, so good…

Then the actual scenes scrolled in, starting with one of a huge American 19th Century farmhouse, barn, and stable in an early morning, and the caption "Outskirts of Richmond, Virginia, 1861" scrolled at the base of the hologram. The film then cut to the inside of the stable, and there was Banjo dejectedly sweeping the floor, as a red-brown horse and a white cow looked on from their stalls, on opposite sides. Ears low, he was dragging his tail on purpose, since he was obviously quite depressed.

Unfortunately, as he swept the floor, it became clear just _how_ accurate and detailed the chosen camera-scanners were, because as he swept and swept, the hologram on Banjos' left side became more and more foggy as the dust picked up with each pass of the broom.

And on the "stableboy's" current left side was where Lightning and the rest were sitting.

"What's goeeng on?" asked the CEO, confused and ears low. "Ees de fog comeeng een from outside?"

Calamity blanched. He sat back on his seat, and would have been even _more_ speechless if he wasn't already mute. He signed with an unsteady paw, "It's…it's the dust, Mr. Rodriguez. The camera-scanners picked up every single speck!"

Just then, the dialogue began:

 _"What's wrong, sugarcube?" asked the cow._

 _The "stableboy" sighed and leaned on his broom. "Ah'm a nameless farmhand, companion only t'cattle. Ah never go hungry or cold, Ah have a steady job, Ah have a roof over mah head, but Ah'm th'most low-down sap 'n all th'Union."_

 _"Why's that?" asked the horse, confused._

 _"Ugh, Ah'm juss' so depressed, dude. Th'landowner thinks that if Ah'm hooked up with his daughter, it will gain him points with th'Abolitionists…but Ah cain't stand th'heiress," he growled, swinging his hips down in order to slap his tail on the floor, picking up even more dust._

For some reason, those in the audience who were looking at his back found that funny.

 _The horse raised an eyebrow and chided, "She's hot. Every stableboy from here to Canada wishes they were in your non-existent shoes."_

 _Banjo turned away from him and shook his head. "She ain't th'girl who Ah want…Josephine de Battaille's th'girl who's caught mah eye." He looked up with a dreamy smile, raising his ears. "From th'moment Ah saw her, Ah cain't get her outta mah head." Obviously assisted by the elastic strings, Banjo raised his tail and made it quiver._

Those in the audience who were looking directly at that laughed even louder, because it looked like Banjo was trying to play the maracas with his tail.

Naturally, the actor was quite proud of his accomplishment, obviously ignoring the audience's reactions. "Slick tail action, eh, Lil' Mary?"

The actress just shook her head and rubbed her eyes.

 _Later…_

 _"J-Josie! Whut are yew doin' here? There are slavers everywhere! They're spread all throughout the Union! Don't yew know that there's a reward out f'r yew?!" He turned to face her, obviously startled and ears low, but as he curled his tail toward "Josie", he slowly brought it behind him again…_

 _…and the tip was "gesturing" at the camera to come closer, instead of appearing angry._

As the audience laughed again, Lightning, ears flat and with ruffled fur, glared at his director.

Calamity, ears sagging, signed with defeat, "Banjo never did get straight where all the camera-scanners were, boss."

The scene continued:

 _"Josie" grabbed the broom, held the "stableboy's" right paw, and replied, "Little Cupid himself called me here, Billy Bob, and I, smitten by his arrow, have flown to your side, and no slaver can keep me away."_

 _Angrily, he growled, "Are yew crazy, girl? Th'Confederate rebels are everywhere!" To make his point, he snatched both the broom and "Josie's" cane away from her and threw them across the floor…_

 _…where they swept up yet another cloud of dust and hay, fogging up half of the hologram._

And of course, the audience guffawed.

One red-haired 10-year-old boy in a white t-shirt hollered, "Hey, Banjo, you practicing shuffleboard?! A HA HA HA HA!"

The scene continued:

 _"Josie" held "Billy Bob's" shoulders and replied sultrily, "My most handsome imperious prince of the night…I love you…" and kissed his lips._

 _That finally seemed to win him over, for he seemed to sag with pleasure. He weakly held "Josie's" shoulders, "Oh…Josie…"_

 _"Josie" kissed her lover's lips non-stop, repeating, "I love you, Billy. I love you, dear Billy. I love you, dearest Billy!"_

As the audience guffawed yet again, a thin red-brown-haired man in the audience scoffed, "Sometoon actually got _paid_ for writing that nonsense?"

Outside the theatre, the basset hound was still standing at his post, while in the ticket booth there was an exotic green bird with an umbrella on his head. The canine was curious about the loud laughter that was coming from inside, and he signed, "Sounds like a hit comedy in there."

Gogo raised an eyebrow at that, and checking his schedule, he balked slightly, "That's strange, the only movie playing now is a 'Possum-Melody 360. I didn't know they did comedies now."

"Say what?"

Back inside, Mary could only sit back and watch as her career collapsed before her eyes, due to her, and Banjo, being unable to work with a new technology.

 _The same way it happened to many actors and actresses—celebrities—exactly 100 years ago, when sound was introduced into films…_

Then her blood dropped to her feet when she saw something she hadn't seen since she was eight years old:

A pig couple, both in light-green formal wear, stood in front of her, and waved off at the hologram in disgust. The sow said, "This is a bomb. A complete turkey."

And with that, the two toons left their seats, waddled to the aisle, _and left the theatre_.

 _Her audience was walking out on her!_

Or, at least, only part of it. Things seemed to calm down, but then another scene came up.

" _Josie" was in the elegant living room of her mansion, and saw a strange looking letter on the dark wood table. She grabbed it, opened it—_

Suddenly, "Josie" turned ghostly and transparent as her image split in two, with one projection lagging about half a second after the first.

"What's goeeng on?" demanded Lightning ears even stiffer and twitching his whiskers.

Calamity blanched even further, drooped his ears lower, and gasped as he signed, "The hologram projectors are out of sync!"

The mouse squeaked, "Well, don't josst seet derre, yoo mangey _coyyotteh_! Go to de control booth and FEEX EET!"

"Yes, boss." The canine carefully placed his producer on the backrest of his seat, and ran off.

Meanwhile the two "Josie's" continued:

 _"Oh, no! Billy Bob's been captured by the Purple Terror of the Slave Traders!" The two "Josie's" ran to the wall and pulled down a weapon: "I'll just grab my trusty bayonet and fly to his side once again!" But despite their bravado, the thought of their lover being tortured by the ruthless slavers became more than they could handle, so they collapsed on their knees, and wept, "Oh…Billy Bob…dearest Billy Bob…how could this happen to you?"_

Despite the drama of the scene, the audience continued laughing, since "Josie's" double image weeping out of sync was quite a sight to behold.

Just then, small random coloured squares appeared all over the hologram, but then disappeared just as soon as they did, showing a completely different scene now:

 _On a moonless night, "Billy Bob" was inside a wooden shack in the middle of a forest, with both front paws tied in front of him._

 _And advancing menacingly at him was a purple skunkmaid in a Confederate uniform, and a grey eye mask, oddly enough._

 _However, the annoying double image was still present, so there were two opossums and two skunkmaids on the platform. The projectors had synchronized, but now there was a new problem: the images had flipped, so now the characters were superimposed over each other._

 _The two "Billy Bobs" struggled and backed against the wall, growling, "J-Josie will save me an' peel off yer hide, yew rebel!" Their tails were thumping against opposite walls. They suddenly turned to the windows and screamed, "JOSIE!"_

 _Two lengthy and luscious purple tails with white stripes in the middle whipped around the "Billy Bobs" and yanked them right against the dreaded "Purple Terrors'" torsos, pinning their arms against their sides, and pressing their noses together. The two "Purple Terrors" chuckled cruelly, and with lusty eyes, sneered, "Josie ees, 'ow yoo say, workeeng een ze fields where she belongs,_ mon amour _." To add to both "Billy Bobs'" terror, they smiled, flashing their very obviously carnivore teeth at them._

 _And the two skunkmaids forced a kiss on the opossums' trembling lips._

 _The two "Billy Bobs" struggled, managed to pull away, and screamed, "NOOO!"_

 _"OUI!" countered their captors, squeezing them tighter against them with their thick tails._

 _However, with the mirrored superimposed image, it appeared as if it was the skunkmaid who was screaming in terror with Banjo's voice, while the opossum was sneering evilly with the skunkmaid's voice:_

 _"NOOO!"_

 _"OUI!"_

 _"NOOO!"_

 _"OUI—!"_

The audience's laughter swelled with each passing line of dialogue, until it abruptly stopped due to a single jarring musical note, and the entire hologram was suddenly replaced by a blue image with yellow text that read:

 _A problem has been detected and Windows has been shut down to prevent damage to your computer._

 _If this is the first time you've seen this stop error screen, restart your computer. If this screen appears again, follow these steps:_

 _Disable or uninstall any anti-virus, disk defragmentation or backup utilities. Check your hard drive configuration, and check for any updated drivers. Run CHKDSK /F to check for hard drive corruption, and then restart your computer._

 _Technical information:_

 _*** STOP: 0X00000000000000089 (Cx00198014DF, 0x81D37A97, 0xC0000000213, 0x0000000000000000)_

* * *

 _And after the movie FINALLY ended…_

The toons who had been in the audience were leaving the theatre and donning their winter coats to protect themselves from the freezing night. And as they left, they made their critical comments at the show they just saw:

An orange-haired woman in a yellow coat told her red-brown-haired husband in a black coat, "That was a total bust."

A trio of very tall and very angry hillbilly opossums in dark blue coats padded out, all with angry features. One of them snarled, " _The Rapper_ wasn't much better than this, but at _least_ one could see it without any glitches!"

The red-haired boy, now in a neon-red jacket, pranced out, alongside his friend, another red-haired boy with jeans, a blue jacket and a blue cap, and both were imitating Mary's line with definite mockery: "I love you, Billy. I love you, dear Billy. I love you, dearest Billy…!"

Not that Mary could do anything about it. She, Sweetie, Sneezer, Banjo, Calamity, and Lightning, all in their dark winter coats as well, were standing on one side of the entrance, listening to all the negative opinions, and all of them were quite crestfallen and had dejected features, except for the opossum, for some reason. And for some other strange reason, the toons that were filing out were ignoring them completely.

Lightning, on Calamity's shoulder, squeaked, "We'rre rrooeened. De whole estoodeeo ees rrooeened."

The actress turned to him and pleaded, "Lightning, you can't possibly release this bomb of a movie! We'll all end up on the street!"

He replied with defeat, "We have no choees. Ourr contract weeth de deestreebutorrs has us eschedooled to open een seex weeks all overr de worrld! But yoo…" he turned to Banjo and Mary, "Yoo two arre very beeg estarrs, we _could_ rrely on yoorr past heets and get by—"

Just then, a pink skunkmaid with very long white headfur padded out. She was wearing a white coat, and on her shoulder was a white mousemaid with a light blue coat. Both had low ears and stiff tails, and the larger one spat, "I never wanna see 'Possum and Melody again, _ever_!"

"It wasn't just awful, it was _painful_!" added her small friend.

They were followed by a purple rabbit doe with blonde headfur, wearing a blue coat, and a dark blue male skunk with a black leather jacket. He, with low ears and stiff tail, told his partner, "That has _got_ to be the worst movie in history."

It didn't help that the doe tilted her ears in anger nodded, "It, like, probably won't even go direct to video. At least, I _hope_ it doesn't, like, go direct to video. That would be, like, a waste of microchips or something!"

Banjo scoffed at the unsatisfied toons and drawled, "Well, Ah don't know whut they thought was wrong. Ah didn't have any problems with it at awl, did yew, Lil' Mary?"

The African-American glared at her co-star, angrily adjusted her coat, and skated off with her friends still on her shoulders.


	10. Hachi – Slippin' On The Ice

**HACHI – SLIPPIN' ON THE ICE**

Mary's house wasn't exactly a mansion, nor was it overwhelmingly ostentatious, like Lightning's place, but it was still a way-above-average Hollywood home, and many homeowners in Beverly Hills would have felt quite jealous of it.

A far cry from her old apartment in the Bronx, this one-story house was of an ultramodern style that blended the shape of several African grass huts—cylinders—with modern materials, all in a brown-khaki motif.

From the street, there appeared to be a dim light coming from the front windows, and that was because they were being illuminated from the dining room.

The dining room walls and floor were tiled with mosaics decorated with tribal pseudo-glyphs. The shelves and drawers had a rough dark wood finish, decorated with brown African pottery, and the table and chairs in the centre were of baobab wood.

And there, having just finished a disturbingly silent dinner, given all the dirty plates still on the table, were Mary and The J.A.M., sitting on chairs, and Sneezer and Sweetie, sitting on the table itself, finishing off a bowl of toasted wheat seeds, while their larger friends had a few sandwiches. Their winter coats had been left at the foyer, and they all sat still in their somewhat formal evening attire, though the males wore dark grey polo shirts. And despite being in the presence of their girlfriends, the males' ears were low.

The humanmaid looked resignedly at the window, watching as the rain gradually turned into flurries, and then into snow, which slowly began covering her back yard with a layer of ice and slush.

She then looked at the dining room—the _house_ she had worked for, and paid for in full and even installed an indoor swimming pool in the basement—and gloomily accepted that she was going to lose it.

Lose _everything._

Finally, the actress spoke, "Well, my dearest friends, take one final good look at this…wonderful house of mine. It will be auctioned off first thing in the morning."

"Oh, stop saying NONSENSE, Mary!" piped Sweetie, with ruffled feathers.

"Yeah! No bank in their right mind is going to hold an auction on a Saturday, nope-nope!" added Sneezer.

"He's right, you know," sighed the jaguar, on her left, perking his ears slightly. "You have a least another 48 hours to enjoy your house." Seeing that she didn't smile at his joke, he leaned closer and placed a heavy paw on her left hand, "Mary, the movie itself wasn't _that_ bad, storywise, at least."

"That's what we've been TRYING to tell her, feline!"

The canarymaid was about to flutter angrily in front of the jaguar, but the African-American just raised her other hand and caressed her friend's feathers back into place. "Sweetie, we both know the ins and outs of the story, but even if it were ten times better, it's…time for me to stop fooling myself. We all know that the moment _Song of the North_ is released worldwide, 'Possum and Melody' will be no more. The movie will be nothing more than an obscure entry in a backwoods catalogue… _I_ will be an obscure entry in a backwoods listing, too," she groaned.

The J.A.M. moved his chair against hers and tried again, "Look, we all know that it was _the rendering_ that got screwed up because of incompatible systems between the studio and the theatre. And it's not as if it's the first time something like this has happened to _any_ computer, you know. We just need to get the technical end straightened out and work out all the bugs—"

Her finger silenced him, and she replied, "J.A.M., it was more than just incompatible computers and programming bugs." She rubbed her aching head, "It was… _so_ much more than that…" The humanmaid looked at her friends with tired eyes and saw how they, too, were exhausted from grasping at straws to save her spirits. "Look, I really appreciate what the three of you are doing, but I…something…happened to me tonight. Something…that had been building up ever since a jaguar refused to fall at my feet…something that I was so desperately trying to ignore…until it blew up in my face an hour ago." She held the onça's paw and squeezed it. "Everything you said that night about me…about movies…" she shivered, "…it's all true, J.A.M., you were right, and all this time I've been trying to prove you wrong…to prove _myself_ wrong, but…you were right. I'm no actress. I never was one." She leaned back and looked at the ceiling. "All I am is a pre-programmed CGI _celebrity_. I know that now."

Mary then reached out to her small friends, and the two jumped on her hand. "Clear table," she declared, and two white-gloved robot arms, one holding a plastic bag, descended from the ceiling, picked up all the dishes and placed them in the bag, and then one brandished a cleaning rag and wiped the table. Moments later, the robot arms disappeared into the ceiling, leaving the dining room table impeccably clean.

With that done, the homeowner placed her friends on the table again, stood, and dragged her tired self to the living room. Again, it had a definite African motif, a large tan couch with yet another tribal glyph print, a central fireplace that resembled an old-fashioned village hearth, with a fake grass chimney bell above it, and again on the walls and shelves were various pieces of African pottery.

The dejected toon girl wanted to fall on the couch and cry herself to sleep, but she knew that if she did that, she might never get up again, so she just sat on the right armrest.

"Well, at least you're NOT TAKING IT lying down," said the bird, fluttering onto the back of the couch, while the mouse skittered up to her side.

"It's the best I can do now, Sweetie. I mean…" She rubbed her head again, "Have you ever seen anything as stupid and dumb and idiotic as _me_ on that display platform tonight?"

"Sure we have: Banjo, yup-yup!" chuckled Sneezer, perking his ears.

Mary turned to them, and laughed for the first time of the night. "Hey, that's right; I suppose I came in a very close second place…maybe even a photo finish." She turned away and sighed, rubbing her eyes, "Anyway, my dearest friends, my career is over."

"No, it's NOT!"

The pantheresque growl in front of her startled her, making her sit up straight.

"Nope-nope!" added the mouse, stiffening his features like the other male did. "With your hot looks and great curves, you could drive an ice cream truck with no problem, nope-nope! Or fly an ice cream drone, yup-yup…" he pondered.

"Or sell clothes," added the feline.

"Have your own TALK SHOW!"

"Maybe even become a news anchorwoman…" said The J.A.M.

The four of them fell silent at that suggestion.

And the four of them looked at each other, pondering.

And the four of them waved that off with a "Naaaahhhhhh…" before they all laughed again, relaxing their features and lifting Mary's spirits just a little bit.

Sneezer squeaked, "Hey, better yet! The three of us could go back into Vaudeville!"

Sweetie turned to him, smiled and nodded, and the two spin-changed simultaneously. When they stopped, they were now donning their top hats and tuxedos, and the two sang:

 _"Oh, we are the toons of the chorus!_

 _We hope you like our show!_

 _We know you're rooting for us,_

 _But now we have to gooooooooo—"_

On the "go", however, they danced to their left, and forgot that the couch wasn't long enough for the whole note. They fell off the edge with a double "yipe!", but moments later the avian flew back up to the couch again, carrying her rodent boyfriend.

Mary finally laughed very heartily at that, and leaned back, "Thanks, you two. I don't know what I would do without my technical crew. But it's too bad I didn't do that little number in _Song of the North_. The audience just _might_ have liked it."

The J.A.M. was still laughing quietly, but suddenly stopped when he heard his girlfriend's comment. "Hey, waittaminute!" He kneeled on the couch, facing her, ears straight and tail quivering nervously, and asked, "Why don't you?"

The humanmaid turned to him and replied, "Why don't I what?"

He leaned closer, "Why don't you do that? A 360-degree musical!"

She blinked, "A 360-degree musical?"

The canarymaid fluttered up to her face, "Hey, HE'S RIGHT! A 360-degree MUSICAL! The NEW Mary Melody!"

The mouse climbed on her left shoulder and added, "She sings! She does opera! She raps! She yodels! She skates to the sound of music, yup-yup!"

The actress raised her hands, trying to calm her friends down, "Guys, GUYS!" They quieted, "Look, that's a great idea, but the problem I have now is that once _Song of the North_ is released…" She slumped her shoulders again, and continued quietly, "No…notoon is gonna want to see me jump off one of Wile E. Coyote's cliffs into a whisky glass."

Sweetie pondered on that and asked, "If THAT'S THE CASE, why don't you turn _Song of the North_ into a 360-degree MUSICAL?"

Again, she blinked at her. "Turn a Civil War drama into a musical? Are you serious?"

"Never been more SERIOUS before, my friend!"

"She's right, yup-yup!" Sneezer brandished their tablet, activated it, and did a few quick searches. "We have six weeks before the theatre release, and no one has ever done a Civil War musical before, nope-nope!"

"It will be AN ORIGINAL!"

The feline looked carefully at the information on the tablet's hologram, and added, "You two definitely have something there." He turned to the surprised humanmaid and pointed at her, "You'll need to add songs and dances in the key points of the drama, cut the bad scenes, install plenty of compatibility add-ons to the rendering algorithms—"

"And you've got ANOTHER BOX OFFICE HIT!"

Mary, The J.A.M., and Sneezer had to unstop their ears at Sweetie's outburst. When she could hear normally again, the African-American stood, with her face lighting up at last, "You know, guys…this…this just _might_ work!"

"Of course it's gonna work, you'll be the one singing and dancing, babe!" The panther snarled playfully at her, standing at her side.

"You have it in the bag, Mary, yup-yup!"

The actress paced the floor a few times, thinking out loud about the possibilities, "Yes, yes, it _will_ work! As crazy as it sounds, we're gonna do exactly that!" She pointed at the ceiling and declared, " _Song of the North_ is now a 360-degree musical!"

Sweetie flew up to her with Sneezer again, hugged her right cheek and chirped, "HOT TAMALE!"

"Hallelujah, yup-yup!" added the mouse, hugging the other cheek.

 _"¡Zacatepóngolas!"_ exclaimed the jaguar, giving his girlfriend a very tight hug.

The two females and one tiny male looked at him, confused.

"Um…it's an obscure catch phrase of mine. It more or less varies in meaning, depending on the tone and situation. In this case, it means 'all right!'" he chuckled.

Mary laughed and kissed her boyfriend's cheek, making him purr softly. "Well, 'all right' and whoop-dee-doo!" She caressed his head, and then did the same with her friends on her shoulders. "Guys, I'm so happy to have you here. If it weren't for you, right now I would be on a bullet train back to the Bronx. This is certainly one of the best and luckiest days of my life, if not the luckiest of them all: January 20th."

At that moment, several digital alarms chimed from the four of them.

"I think you mean the 21st, yup-yup!" laughed Sneezer.

"The 21st?" asked the humanmaid, looking closer at the tablet hologram.

"He's right," said The J.A.M. "All our tablets' hourly alarms just went off, meaning it's midnight. So it's technically morning already." He then hugged her gently, but quite firmly, lest she slip into depression once more. "And cerrrrrrrtainly one of the best morrrrrrrrnings I've had myself, too," he sighed contentedly, purring louder.

Mary basked in the feel of his warm fur against her; his solid body vibrating so enticingly and encasing her protectively, keeping out certain marsupials who couldn't seem to understand the most basic of hints, much less choreography instructions—

"Hey, waittaminute," she suddenly said, pushing the panther away from her and abruptly halting his purring. "Guys, there's no way we can make this movie into a musical."

"Why not, huh-huh?"

The actress turned away, looked at the frost on one of her windows, and uttered only one word:

"Banjo."

"Banjo!" repeated the others, facepalming simultaneously, and everytoon's restored spirits suddenly fell to their feet/talons/footpaws once more, as did their features.

The mouse held his head, feeling a headache coming on. "He can't act full-body, he can't sing, he can't dance, and he can't skate at all, nope-nope."

"A QUADRUPLE threat! Not many toons can BRAG about that!" chirped Sweetie.

"You got that right," sighed Mary. Maybe if she sold the house before the banks opened…

Just then, the jaguar perked his ears, curled his tail, and began chuckling for no apparent reason.

"What's so funny, Mr. J.A.M., huh-huh?"

"Yeah, we're about to get CANNED! What's with you?"

The onça snorted and replied, "S-sorry, guys, I was just remembering. I think Mr. 'Possum's best moment of his career was when the holo-projectors went out of sync and he said with a sexy French voice: 'Oui!'"

Mary guffawed at the memory, finally, and tried, but failed, to imitate Banjo's gruff voice: "Noooo!" while contorting her face in mock terror.

"Oui!" repeated The J.A.M., trying, but failing, to sound like a French skunk in heat, though he did do a decent job in emulating The Purple Terror's face. And for emphasis, he wrapped his thin tail around his girlfriend's waist.

"Noooo!" The humanmaid laughed and screamed, unable to separate her amusement and her attempt to yell in mock terror once more. She pressed herself against her boyfriend's torso, though she pretended she was trying to push away.

"Oui!" The jaguar voice cracked because he couldn't reach The Purple Terror's tone, which made his friends laugh even harder.

"Noooo—!"

"HEY, STOP!"

The two larger toons suddenly froze mid-laugh at Sweetie's command.

"Just…just hold ON A MINUTE, you two!" She fluttered to Sneezer's side, grabbed the tablet, and began tapping all over the screen.

He looked on, wondering what was up, "What is it, huh-huh?"

"Patience, lovermouse, I am about to be BRILLIANT!" With a concentration that none of her friends had seen on her before, the avian tapped the screen a few more times, nodded with a satisfied smile, handed the tablet to the mouse, and picked him up again, landing on the couch's backrest once more. She then grabbed the tablet, held it toward the feline and said, "Okay, here's my idea. Mr. J.A.M. could you VERY BRIEFLY skate for us, pretty please?"

He tilted his head, "Say what?"

"Just SKATE already!"

The onça was a bit taken back by the canarymaid's sudden outburst, but he just looked at Mary, shrugged, and complied. A brief spin-change returned him to his normal black t-shirt, but now he was wearing black in-line skates, too. He then rolled to one side of the living room and gracefully skated to the opposite side, turned, and did the same, all the while with Sweetie holding the tablet toward him, recording his performance.

The jaguar was about to do another run, but the tiny female lowered the tablet, "Okay, THANK YOU, Mr. J.A.M., that should be enough." Then, she turned to her long time human friend, and instructed her, "Okay, now YOU, MARY! Just stand in front of me, but DON'T SKATE! Instead, just MOVE YOUR HEAD back and forth as if you WERE skating!"

The homeowner wasn't sure what her friend was trying to do, but she too, looked at The J.A.M., shrugged, and did as she was told: stand in front of the couch and pretend she was skating. She made a few arm movements to make it more convincing, and then turned in place and repeated the movement.

"THANK YOU, Mary!" piped the avian again, lowering the tablet, starting yet another round of frantic tapping on its screen with her wingtips.

However, when the rodent saw what she was trying to do, he, too, added his paws to the tapping.

The actress and the former club boy sat on the couch, eyeing their tiny friends curiously, and even more when the two smiled giddily at their "brilliant" project.

Though before the humanmaid could ask them what they were doing, Sweetie suddenly chirped, "And GOT IT! Now, we play this back on the largest projection it can make, and…THERE!"

She held out the tablet so the hologram would be easier for all to see.

And it was. On its largest setting, the image was about three times as large as either tiny toons, or about the size of a large non-toon house cat.

 _And what they saw blew their minds._

Basically, it was The J.A.M. skating back and forth, in an obvious loop, but instead of his own head, it was Mary's head that was perched on his shoulders, so it looked like she was skating gracefully with a jaguar's body.

Of course, the whole setup looked completely ridiculous, since the actress very much had a male body now. Not to mention that the hologram itself wasn't exactly smooth and flawless, nor was it in 360 degrees, but in the now old-fashioned 3D. And with the lack of a green screen, occasional flashes of the floor tiles and bookshelves appeared next to the skating toon, and the head wasn't always in complete sync with the body.

"Sorry for the crudeness of the hologram and the bad rendering. That's the best that our tablet's processor and memory can do for now, yup-yup."

"Still, it's QUITE convincing, don't you think? Just wait until you try this with the studio's rendering MAINFRAMES!" piped Sweetie.

The African-American scratched her head. "Um…it's very good, for the processor you're using, but…um…but I don't get it. What exactly are you two planning with this?"

The two tiny toons looked at her, deadpanned, lowered their features, and facepalmed once more.

"Don't you GET IT, DUMMY?" Use Mr. J.A.M.'s body!" Her feathers ruffled in frustration.

"Yeah! Banjo just has to move his head while Mr. J.A.M. dances and skates for him, yup-yup!"

Mary just stared at them, her jaw almost on the floor.

"That…that's amazing! Count me in!" exclaimed the panther, ears perked.

"Count—no!" The actress held his shoulders. "There's no way you can do this, J.A.M.!"

"Huh? Why not?" His features lowered in confusion.

She looked into his orange eyes and replied, "Because—because no one would see you! You'd be throwing away your own acting career to become a nameless body double!"

He placed his heavy paws on her shoulders, rotated his ears toward her, and replied, "Mary, you know that this has nothing to do with my career, because it's only going to be for this _one_ movie. Right now, the focus of this gimmick is to save _Song of the North_ …save…" He hesitated, but only for a moment. "Save…'Possum and Melody'. Save _your_ career, my love, and Banjo's too, while we're at it. He may be an annoying jerk, but not even he deserves to have his career go down the toilet like yours almost did."

"Yeah!" agreed the tiny duo.

The humanmaid stood and stepped away from them for a moment, deep in thought. With a hand on her chin she pondered, and then said, "Well…if this is the only way…all right, we'll do this," she turned and pointed at them, "but _only_ for this movie, is that clear? But…" She turned to the window and looked at the falling sleet. "Do…do you think that this could actually work? Digitally splicing in a body double…literally…becoming a CGI?"

It was what The J.A.M. had originally accused her of being.

And now, it was about to become _true_.

Banjo would only have his head as his "real" self, for now.

Later on, how much of _her_ real self would remain on the screen?

The jaguar padded up to her, held her hands, and replied, "There's no way this _can't_ work, Mary!"

Sweetie again fluttered to her right shoulder and added, "Sure, it's BASIC body double work!"

Sneezer, now on her left shoulder, continued, "You just have to dance and skate around Banjo, and he can pretend to walk, run, and dance all he wants, but his body will be digitally replaced by Mr. J.A.M., yup-yup!"

Convinced at last, Mary smiled and declared, "Okay, I'm in!" The other three sighed with relief. "We'll go to Mr. Rodriguez and present him this little project of ours first thing in the morning. If we hurry, we'll get this running before the banks open on Monday," she chuckled.

The panther purred again, "Marrrrrrrrrrry, you'rrrrrrrrrrrrrre a genius." He held her arms, and planted yet another soft kiss on her lips.

That last statement confused the mouse slightly, making him tilt his ears back. "Wait, _Mary's_ the genius, huh-huh?"

Ruffling her feathers and crossing her wings, the avian turned away, tapped her right talon on her friend's shoulder, and piped, "Yeah, Mary, I'm _so glad_ YOU thought of this!"

At her protest, the jaguar pulled away and replied, "My mistake." He gently scratched Sneezer between his ears, and turned to the canarymaid, "Sweetie, _you_ arrrrrrrrre the genius herrrrrrre. And if this takes off, everrrrrrry body double in Hollywood is going to build a shrrrrrrrrrrine to you and prrrrrrrrrrrresent to you daily offerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrings for saving theirrrrrrrrrrrrrrr jobs." He leaned closer and kissed her head.

She blushed, "Aw, THANK YOU, Mr. J.A.M.! Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee…"

Sweetie's laugh trailed off when she noticed something odd happening to the feline. As he straightened up to kiss his girlfriend again, he licked his lips lightly, but then blinked, and licked his lips more thoroughly.

Then, he smacked his lips, as if he had just eaten something quite savoury—

Playfully, he suddenly turned to the canarymaid, raised his paws mock-menacingly and roared, "DINNER!" and tried to snatch the bird off the actress' shoulder.

What _would_ have followed would have been a comical chase all over Mary's house, involving a semi-feral jaguar stopping at nothing to try to eat that one bird, despite the fact that he had just eaten dinner, and maybe he would eat the mouse right after that, leaving behind destruction in his instinct-powered chase.

However, because everyone knew that The J.A.M. was just playing around, as soon as he made his first pounce, the three stepped back, each one brandished a mallet, and proceeded to pound the panther flat against the floor.

Contemplating the new rug, Sweetie landed on the couch, breathing somewhat heavily, and jeered, "Felines, they're ALL THE SAME…"

* * *

 _Later…_

"You would have made a nice addition to my living room floor, you know," said the actress.

"And I would have willingly allowed myself to become one, if the hourrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrs werrrrrrrrrrrrre rrrrrrrrright," replied the new body double, ears up, tail curled, and purring quite loudly.

Mary and The J.A.M. were standing in a _very_ close embrace at the main gate entrance of her house, next to the jaguar's Hover Smart—which had the top up, of course—and she was going to see him off. Sneezer and Sweetie opted to remain inside, in order to give the two lovers a bit of privacy as they bid each other good night.

That, and they didn't want to step out in the cold. The sleet wasn't stopping, and the sidewalk and streets were already iced over. The only vehicles that would have problems there would be those that still had old-fashioned rubber tires, but the current hover vehicles would have no problems whatsoever.

The humanmaid chuckled, caressed his spine, and asked, "Are you sure your back is okay? We didn't hit you the wrong way or anything? No hip problems, either?"

He nuzzled her, "None whatsoeverrrrrrrrrr. If anything, you thrrrrrrrrrree _corrrrrrrrrrected_ a few back prrrrrrrroblems I had just now."

"Oh? Maybe we should pound you flat more often, then."

"Maybe…" but before he could say anything else, she gave him a light kiss on the lips.

"Good night, J.A.M. See you early tomorrow…or later today, if you want to get technical," she whispered.

"Good night, Marrrrrrrrrry. Take carrrrrrre of those legs of yourrrrrrrrrrs. Rrrrrrememberrrrrr that you'rrrrrre a big skating starrrrrrrr now, and we wouldn't want you to slip and fall orrrrrrr literrrrrrrrrally brrrrrrrrreak your leg orrrrrrrrr something." He looked at the sky, "This frrrrrrrrrreak Califorrrrrrrrnia flurrrrrrrrry has made things a little slipperrrrrrrrry for everrrrrrytoon tonight."

She looked up as well and sighed, "Has it really? Well, baby, you can blame that on Global Warming, like everytoon does, but from where I'm standing, I see nothing but sunshine and clear skies." She couldn't hold herself back and kissed his furry lips once more, just barely avoiding frenching him again. As she pulled away, she thought she saw heart-shaped puffs of steam floating near their heads, but decided they were figments of her imagination.

With a very loving smile, and disappointed that he had to leave her side, The J.A.M. stepped inside his car from the passenger side, shifted to the driver's seat, and turned on the turbines. Then, he waved at her; the car raised itself from the icy pavement, and hovered back to East Los Angeles.

Mary was also slightly sad to see him leave, considering all she did to find him again, not to mention that "date" they had in that empty sound stage. She sighed at his efforts to cheer her up tonight, very much "rescuing" this evening so that it wouldn't be the disaster it was gearing to be earlier at the theatre.

 _She was happy._

Suddenly, a wind gust made her shiver, reminding her that she _was_ standing in the middle of sleet that was shifting back and forth into a flurry, if not a downright snowfall.

She would have to talk to a weathertoon or two to see exactly _why_ it was snowing in Los Angeles.

As she turned to enter her yard again, she slipped on a patch of ice, but didn't fall down, thanks to her quick reflexes, and to a metal bar on the gate that she grabbed at the last moment.

Then, she looked up again, smiled, and spin-changed.

Stopping moments later, she now sported a figure skating outfit: a dark red blouse with long sleeves, with its matching dark red mini skirt, and a light red scarf. The neck, wrists, the tips of the scarf, and waist were highlighted by thin pink frills, and she now sported white ice skates.

She then slid away from her front gate, skating on the sidewalk.

She slid slowly down the path, passing in front of other gates, garage doors, and front doors, of all shapes, sizes, and colours; with columns, fences, and lampposts topped with caps of snow that very likely wouldn't last past tomorrow morning, but still, the weather reminded her of New York City.

And as she skated, she whistled a little tune as the music began once more. [youtu be /_cexO84_6JY]

She slid gracefully and tossed her scarf around her neck to keep both ends behind her. As she approached the corner, she sang:

 _"I'm slippin' on the ice!"_ She grabbed the street signpost and swung herself around it twice, making the snow on top of it fall on her head.

 _"Just slippin' on the ice!"_ Mary released the post and continued gliding down the sidewalk.

 _"For a fabulous pratfall…"_ A tall white teenager with purple-dyed hair, wearing a pink coat and black pants, apparently caught by surprise by the ice, was stumbling and slipping her way toward her.

 _"Just follow this advice!"_ The actress deftly dodged her with a jump and a mid-air spin, and landed skating backwards.

 _"Let your feet take a flip!"_ The teen's feet flew out from under her and she slammed on the sidewalk flat on her back. She cried,

 _"I've broken my hip!"_ The performer slid the skate's blades sideways and scraped to a halt beside the fallen teen, and they both sang,

 _"From slippin' and slidin' on the ice!"_ Then, the African-American brandished another pair of white ice skates, and helped the girl sit up while she continued,

 _"We're slippin' on the ice!"_ She gave her the skates and pointed at her,

 _"Don't have to tell you twice!"_ The teen put on the skates as Mary spread her arms and slid away.

 _"All groundwater's frozen…"_ She now skated gracefully toward the next corner.

 _"So let me be concise!"_ Again she jumped and spun, landing on her left foot and skating backward once more.

 _"A body cast awaits…!"_ She ducked under a low tree branch.

 _"If you forget your skates!"_ And continued toward the next signpost in a squatting position, hugging her knees.

 _"And you're slippin' and slidin' on the ice!"_ She grabbed the post with both hands and spun again, with her left leg extended behind her.

 _"Just slippin' on the ice!"_ Releasing the post, she continued her way with Olympic grace, arms level with her shoulders.

 _"Some salt here would suffice,"_ she pointed at a large frozen puddle on the pavement.

 _"Can't wait for the springtime."_ Skating sideways with her hands behind her, she hopped and glided backward, picking up speed.

 _"You're free from friction's vice!"_ She suddenly scraped to a halt, right before she hit an old-fashioned blue mailbox.

 _"Compound fractures on demand!"_ She brushed off the snow on top of it.

 _"You have to understand…!"_ She walked away from it, hands behind her back, bouncing mischievously.

 _"They're from slippin' and slidin' on the ice!"_ She sped toward the third corner and its signpost, spinning around it three times.

This time, however, she didn't continue down the sidewalk, for she jumped onto the pavement and continued her performance there.

She extended her arms and one leg, speeding down the street, before jumping into a triple twist and landing on her left foot to glide backwards once more.

Then, she spotted three hover cars parked in a row, and with a sly grin, she kicked her way down to one corner, scraped the ice as she turned 180 degrees, and then skated toward the vehicles as fast as she could.

And right before she collided with the first car, she _jumped_.

Very few toons knew just how powerful her legs were, and now it became quite clear as she sailed through the air, arms and legs extended and almost touching her toes. Easily clearing all three cars, she landed a good two metres from the third, and continued her way, again flipping and sliding backward.

She then stopped near one corner and looked up at a tree, watching the flurries dance through the branches, landing on many, and only a few reaching the ground and her face.

Smiling, she slammed the balls of her hands on the trunk, as if she were a fight video game character, and naturally, a pile of snow fell on her head and all around the tree.

She didn't mind; in fact, she laughed at that, jumped and twirled toward the next tree, and did the exact same thing.

Then she did it a third time, and a fourth time, all the way to the opposite corner.

Once she ran out of trees, she jumped on the sidewalk again, gliding on her left foot as she slapped off all the snow from the tops of the fences and columns that were within her reach.

At the corner once more, she grabbed two handfuls of snow, packed it tightly, and threw the snowball at the top of a lamppost, toppling all the snow and slush to the street.

Slightly more serious now, she spotted a large patch of ice without any skate tracks, so she put her hands behind her back, jumped on the patch, and skated a perfect figure eight.

Giggling, she jumped off the figure eight and did a new figure. Hopping deftly on one foot at a time, the ice now read "4 + 4".

Snorting, she jumped off the second "4" and deftly wrote on the frozen water: "2 × 4".

Giggling louder, she jumped off the equation and did a simpler figure. Now the ice read "2³".

Chuckling and laughing, she did yet another complex figure, which read "√64".

Practically guffawing now, her next figure displayed the cube root of 512, and she spun at high speed on the upper tip of the "3", with her scarf flailing about.

She jumped off the "3", and was thinking of doing the fourth root of 4,096, but first, she pulled off her scarf and slid near the sidewalk. She squatted again, extending her left leg, and slowly began to spin, holding out her scarf over her left ankle.

She slowly straightened up, spinning faster, her scarf wrapping itself around her.

Carefully, she pulled her arms to her torso, making her spin faster, and faster, and faster; her scarf now a pale red blur.

She raised her hands high and spun even faster, looking up, watching the sky, trees, clouds, and snowflakes blur into one circular image.

 _…and faster…_

Her skates were practically drilling a hole on the ice, and she was about to pierce the pavement, as she didn't want to stop seeing that mesmerizing sight of the trees and clouds and snowflakes all blended together—

—until she saw something pink and dark blue blend into the edges of the image.

Wondering what she was looking at, she stopped—

—and saw the stern face of a policeman, glaring at her. In fact, he was the exact same policeman that she talked to several months earlier when she first met her feline boyfriend, though this time, the obese man was wearing a heavy dark blue winter uniform coat.

And the officer was pointing to a sign on the sidewalk:

NO SONG AND DANCE NUMBERS FROM 10 P.M. - 6 A.M.

Grinning sheepishly, hands behind her back and with the scarf dragging on the ice, Mary backed away from the policeman, shrugged, and finished:

 _"Um…I'm slippin'…er…and slidin'…on the ice!"_

He didn't follow her, obviously indicating that he was letting her off with a warning.

Mary waved goodbye at him and skated down the sidewalk back to her house, loosening her scarf and shaking it free of snow and ice. Just then, she saw a tall opossum lady padding in her direction. The marsupial had a long denim coat, but it appeared to be somewhat thin, from the way she was shivering. The humanmaid, in a display of generosity, handed the opossum lady her scarf, and even helped her wrap it around her neck. The elder mammal nodded her thanks, and the two continued their separate ways.

The policeman watched as Mary scraped the ice again to turn, slide inside her gate, and shut it behind her.

He nodded, and walked away to continue his patrol on this most unusual of California nights…

* * *

For the second time tonight, the film had to be stopped, as both the students and the faculty were giving yet another standing ovation, only this time it was for Mary Melody.

And now, the spotlight shone on _her_.

And like Sneezer and Sweetie earlier, she was totally speechless.

"I guess we won't be losing points now, Panterita," said the jaguar, just outside the spotlight.

Mary nodded, and then blew kisses at the audience with tears in her eyes.

Just then, the entire faculty and a great majority of the student body began chanting, "MA-RY! MA-RY! MA-RY! MA-RY! MA-RY…!"

 _This was what she had worked for, what she had longed for, since her first day at Acme Looniversity._

 _And finally, she was no longer under anytoon's shadow._

 _And would never be again._

And again, it took a while for the film to resume…


	11. Kyuu – Flawless Work

**KYUU – FLAWLESS WORK**

 _Later…_

Lightning Rodriguez's office wasn't rodent size. Like his house, it was very much normal sized, in order to accommodate toons much larger than him, instead of just rodents. It was a typical executive office, with sofas, filing cabinets, several screens on the walls, and large office chairs, too. His desk was full size, but on top of the desk was a smaller rodent-size executive desk with a rodent-size office chair, and with a rodent-size computer workstation.

He wasn't sitting there right now, instead, his ears were perked up and he was skittering excitedly back and forth on top of the larger desk. Sneezer and Sweetie, also on top of the desk, had to step back in order to dodge the excited rodent, while Mary Melody just stood in front of the desk, trying not to laugh at her boss' reactions after hearing their plans.

Lightning stopped skittering and squeaked, "Dat's a perrfect idea, yoo three! We'll keep de whole teeng onderr rraps onteel one week beforre de premierre, josst een case eet doesn't worrk out." Then, he calmed down, and looked at Mary. "Steell, I'm a beet worried about Banjo. We know he doesn't like Meesterr J.A.M. Eef he finds out, he could fly eento a rrage."

The humanmaid sat on the guest chair and replied, "Lightning, Banjo won't have the slightest idea that The J.A.M. is here. He's quite clueless already."

The executive mouse nodded and continued. "Perrfect. Okay, ladies…and gentleman," he looked at Sneezer, "Dees ees all perrfect. _Song of the North_ can be saved." Then he put his paws behind him and pondered, "Now, _Song of the North_ weeth myooseec…eef eet's a myooseecal, de title's not goeeng to feet. Eet's goeeng to need a myooseecal title. Sneezer? Sweetie? Any ideas?" he asked the two tiny toons next to him.

The couple in question looked at each other, and began pacing on the desk. Lightning joined them moments later, ears low, like Sneezer, while Mary leaned back on the chair, looking at the ceiling, rocking back and forth slowly as she, too, tried to come up with a new title.

Suddenly, Sneezer perked his ears and piped, " _Song of the East_ , yup-yup!"

The others looked at him, pondered, but continued pacing. Sneezer was disappointed, as his ears showed, but also continued pacing.

About thirty seconds later, Sweetie yelled, "I've GOT IT!" But then quickly added, "Uh…no, not really, it was just another cardinal point, never mind, hee-hee-hee-hee…"

The pacing resumed for another minute.

Mary then stopped rocking and sat up to face her friends and boss. She opened her mouth and was about to say her suggestion, but right there, Sneezer and Sweetie jumped, pointed at each other, and shouted, " _DANCE OF THE NORTH 360_!"

Lightning raised his ears, clapped his paws, and pointed at the humanmaid, "Dat's perrfect, Mery! _Dance of the North 360_!" He turned to the couple and added, "Sneezer, Sweetie, rremind me to hirre you both as escreept wrriterrs."

"Thanks, Mr. RODRIGUEZ!"

"Yeah, we'd offer you a cigar if either of us smoked, yup-yup!"

The murid chuckled and replied, "Tannk yoo. Now, eef dees moovie ees now a myooseecal, how weel de moderrn rrollerr dance numberrs feet eento eet?"

That was a tough one for the actress, even with her dancing and skating experience. So the three tiny toons paced on the desk again, features low, while she returned to rocking on the office chair.

This second brainstorming session only lasted ten seconds, because Sweetie abruptly stopped, clapped her wings, and presented her idea, "Okay, guys, HOW'S THIS? The movie will have a MODERN segment. Now, 'Josephine' is part of a Broadway DANCE COMPANY, right?"

"Right," answered the other three.

"She sings, skates, and DANCES, right?"

"Right."

"Okay, so one day, she's in a THEATRE watching a Disney movie. The theatre just had maintenance and upgrades, but it was all LOW BUDGET, so a piece of the ceiling falls and hits her ON THE HEAD. She falls unconscious, and has a dream that she's in the CIVIL WAR!"

At that, Sneezer perked up and joined in, "Yup-yup! And the modern roller dancing numbers will appear just before the dream sequence, right?"

"RIGHT!"

"So the dream sequence can be where we use all the footage with the costumes, yup-yup!"

"Dat's even _morre_ amazeeng!" Their boss padded behind them and hugged their shoulders. "Sneezer, Sweetie, rremind me to geeve yoo two a rraise one of deese days." Lightning then turned to Mary and was about to ask her something, but the two tapped his shoulder:

"Say, Mr. Rodriguez?"

"Yes?"

"Give us a RAISE, hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!"

The CEO glared at them, and they cowered back, features low.

* * *

Contrary to Sneezer and Sweetie's opinion, Banjo _did_ have a decent singing voice.

His problem was trying to sing and skate _and_ act with his tail simultaneously.

And what was worse, he _thought_ he was actually doing an award-winning performance as he "skated" with Mary in one of the roller dancing numbers in the dream sequence of the movie.

The two were again on the green screen set, in costume, with the exception that both were wearing black in-line skates, and Banjo again had his tail tied to his back with invisible elastic.

He held her hands, and sang [ /ZKvtyp_zREg]:

 _"Believe me, if all those endearin' young charms_

 _Which Ah gaze on so fondly today…"_ The two moved in a gentle circle, though it was clear that the actress was leading, even though the actor thought he was.

 _"Were t'change by tomorrow an' fleet 'n my arms,_

 _Like fairy gifts fadin' away…"_ He hobbled behind her, and the two raised their right feet as they extended their left arms. She was graceful, of course, but his form was quite brusque and terse as his hands moved to her hips.

 _"Thou would still be adored, as this moment thou art,_

 _Let thy lovel'ness fade as it will."_ The marsupial "nuzzled" the humanmaid's neck in order to hide his taking of a very deep breath, and with considerable effort, lifted her above his head. His knees were definitely wobbling, but with him being so focused on singing, he didn't notice.

 _"An' around th'dear ruin each wish of mah heart_

 _Would entwahnne itself verdantly still."_ Not that he was in danger of dropping her. Hidden by green screens and green body suits, two stagehands deftly lifted her with a pulley and invisible wires strapped to her torso, making Banjo _think_ he was lifting her all by himself.

That was the main green screen camera-scan. Once the number was done without any errors, the file was taken to a secret sound stage, again with green screens everywhere, where Mary and The J.A.M. repeated the exact same dance, with the feline taking the place of the marsupial. He was dressed in a motion capture suit: a black body stocking with white dots on the elbows, shoulders, hips, knees, ankles, toes, wrists, fingers, neck, chest, spine, and several points on his tail. The African-American wore a black leotard, but without the white dots.

And given his heftiness, the feline didn't need any pulley or invisible wires.

He also didn't need to dub over Banjo's voice, but he still mouthed the lyrics of the song:

 _"It is not while beauty and youth are thine own,_

 _And thy cheeks unprofaned by a tear…"_ He gently set her down, and kicking in unison, they rolled in a wide circle around the set before settling into a slow waltz.

 _"That th'fervor an' faith of a soul can be known,_

 _T'which time will but make thee more dear."_ He held her left hand, and slowly spun her around, squatting and bringing her lower and lower, before pulling her between his legs slightly and then pushing her away, at which she jumped to her feet. His body, however, suddenly transformed into a very complex stick figure…

 _"No, th'heart that has truly loved never forgets,_

 _But as truly loves on t' th'close…"_ The "stick-figure" was now a rough polygon construct in the shape of a jaguar, who then grabbed Mary's hips. She jumped, and the jaguar construct transformed into an opossum construct who tossed her over his head, where she spun a few times, but as she came down, she was caught by a fully rendered "Banjo" with alert ears and tail, and he gently set her down again.

 _"As th'sunflower turns on her god when it sets_

 _Th'same look which she turned when it rose…"_ With the onça's performance digitally spliced over the marsupial's, the hologram displayed Banjo with much more grace and flexibility, as he pulled Mary closer to him in a slow spin, before stopping as they kissed.

The hologram projectors shut down, and the lights of the executive 360-degree viewing room lit up.

Lightning jumped to his foot-paws on the backrest of his seat, perked his ears, and exclaimed, "Perrfect! Evereeteeng went perrfect! Dat J.A.M. feline guy ees perrfect forr Banjo's body double! De moment dees moovie ees rreleased, I'm goeeng to geeve heem a huge adverrtiseeng build-opp."

The African-American, who was sitting next to him, again with her friends on her shoulders, clapped her hands and squealed, "That's excellent, boss!"

"Ees derre aneeteeng else dees moovie needs, Mery?"

She shook her head and replied, "We only need the final scene and its musical number. It won't be a dance, technically, but we can't risk anything with Banjo now."

"What song weell eet be?"

"It's just a reprise of that last song, don't worry," she waved off at the platform. "Once we finish, the movie is done. Now, we _did_ kinda have another idea for one more number, but…well, it kinda ran away with us, so we had to cut it from this movie."

"What do yoo mean eet rran away? Won't morre dance nommberrs be betterr for de moovie?"

"Well, kinda," she leaned back. "You see, it was gonna be a minor dream sequence, just before the big one. 'Josie' was first going to doze off next to a poster of a jungle movie and have a brief dream about her as jungle girl—"

"I called her 'Tarzana', yup-yup!" piped Sneezer, ears perked.

"And we kept that name, too," she continued, "Anyway, we _tried_ to keep the dream brief, but then J.A.M. and my friends here, and yes, even me, kept adding more and more to it, until it finally just…well…'exploded', if you will, and we decided to have it be a separate movie. It won't be set in Africa, though, but in South America. It's about a girl who loses her parents after they get lost in the Amazon, and she's raised by a family of spider monkeys. She befriends quite a number of animals, including a jaguar—and you can guess who will be playing him—but we're thinking for the villains to be a female hyena who escaped from a zoo, a gang of drug traffickers, and a platoon of soldiers from one of the despot governments nearby. And that's our new movie idea, Mr. Rodriguez. What do you think?"

The mouse pondered for a while, and replied, "I can't exactly eemageen eet josst yet. I'll have to see eet on de hologram firrst."

"Hey, it will be even BETTER on the hologram!" chirped Sweetie.

The CEO nodded and climbed down his chair to the floor. "Okay, dat idea ees defeeneetely goeeng eento pre-prodokshon. Now, eet's getteeng late, and we'd betterr go, ladies…and gentleman," he looked at Sneezer as Mary also stood. "Have dat jaguarr completely rre-do _oll_ of Banjo's takes, not josst de choreography."

"It's all READY, sir!" The three friends nodded, and ran back up the aisle toward the exit.

Lightning looked at them and shouted, "But rrememberr to not let Banjo know about dees!"


	12. Juu – The Cat's Out Of The Bag

**JUU – THE CAT'S OUT OF THE BAG**

 _Later, back at the "secret" sound stage…_

Mary was again in her black leotard while The J.A.M. was donning his motion capture suit once more. The two were looking at one green screen that was displaying a still image of "Josephine" and "Billy Bob", the two standing in her elegant living room.

Inside the booth, Sweetie called out, "Everytoon READY?" The two actors gave her a thumbs up. "This is the SCENE!" The avian pressed "play" on her console, and the still image played:

 _"Billy Bob" waddled toward "Josie", his tail waving about meaninglessly. He embraced her, whipped his tail roughly around her waist, and drawled, "Nothin' can keep us apart, dearest Josie. Our love will last till th'last black hole evaporates."_

The video stopped, and the jaguar moved into the opossum's same initial position.

"And go, Mr. J.A.M., yup-yup!"

The feline moved toward the humanmaid, but with much more grace, ears perked and tail curled. He also embraced her, his tail slithered gently around her waist; he gave her his best bedroom eyes, and mouthed, "Nothin' can keep us apart, dearest Josie. Our love will last till th'last black hole evaporates."

"Cut and SAVE! That was PERFECT, you two!" piped Sweetie as she and Sneezer furiously tapped buttons on the console to combine the two images.

As their friends worked on splicing the motion capture into Banjo's new "body", Mary looked at the onça in front of her, with _her_ best bedroom eyes. She sighed, repeating Banjo's line, "'Until the last black hole evaporates…'" She couldn't hold herself back any longer, and pounced on her beau, exclaiming, "Oh, J.A.M.…I love you!"

Before the feline could respond to that, he suddenly found himself in a full lip-lock with his girlfriend, in a much more real embrace than the one displayed on the hologram moments ago.

After a few seconds that seemed like an eternity, he pulled back, and tried to speak while purring, "Marrrrrrrrrry, I—"

"J.A.M.," she interrupted, placing a finger on his furry lips, "I…I can't wait until this movie's released…I…I just can't," she stuttered, obviously restraining her impulses with difficulty, "If I do, I'm gonna explode, one way or another, but…no more secrecy. There's no way I can keep quiet about us anymore, my love. I'm going to shout it from the rooftops, post it on every social media outlet known to toons, and Banjo's gonna know about us… _everytoon_ is gonna know about us!"

The jaguar stepped back slightly and lowered his ears at her declaration, but he, too, couldn't deny that he was also having trouble containing himself. Still, he did point out, "Are…are you sure? All of your fans will be…devastated, knowing you're no longer available."

She caressed his cheek ruffs and replied, "As of this moment, I only care about the opinion of _one_ fan…"

The two couldn't hold back, embraced, and frenched each other again—

"THARR THEY ARR!"

The couple abruptly pulled apart at Banjo's grating shout. They turned, and saw him and Wally standing at the door of the sound stage, both males glaring at them with angry features.

The wolf, hackles raised, sneered at the two, and told the opossum, "See? Just like I told you, Banjo!"

"Thanks, Wally. Yew really _are_ a toon's bess' friend!" The two carnivores stomped toward the couple as Banjo pointed at The J.A.M. and demanded, "Ah want this schmuck off th'lot RAGHT NOW! No way he's gonna be _mah_ legs!" He turned to Mary and added, "Oh yeah, Wally here told me everythin'."

The African-American glared back at the canine and ground her teeth at him. "Well, thanks a lot, Wally! _You really are a toon's best friend_ ," she grumbled with unspeakable rage.

For a moment, the black wolf felt definite fear as she stared down at him. He lowered his features and struggled not to put his tail between his legs, but he recovered and replied, "N…no problem, Mary, you know you can count on me!" Not wanting to face her wrath, he turned and left.

The jaguar, meanwhile, lowered his ears, sighed, and rubbed his face. He tried to begin, "Okay, look, Mister 'Possum, the thing is that Mary and I—"

"'Mary'?!" he spat. "Don't yew DARE call her 'Mary'!" Rudely shoving his co-star aside—making the panther extend his claws—he stomped up to the feline's face and snarled, "Ah was callin' her 'Mary' long before yew were even born!" He huffed in The J.A.M.'s face for a moment, before realizing that he had just burned himself badly with that statement. Still, he attempted to recover, "Ah mean…Ah mean…whut's th'deal here? _Why_ were yew were kissin' her, huh?!"

The girl in question painfully grabbed the marsupial's shoulder and whirled him so he would face her. "No, Banjo, you got that wrong." He cowered under her fierce gaze. "He wasn't kissing me, _I_ was kissing _him_!" She poked her index finger on his chest repeatedly, "And the reason I was doing that is because I just _happen_ to be in love with him and thusly I consider him my _boyfriend_ , understand?"

The opossum tried to laugh off that statement as he rubbed his pained chest, "Aw, that's ridiculous an' yew know it, Lil' Mary! Everytoon knows yew're 'n love with me because _Ah'm_ yewr boyfrenn'!" He raised his ears and thumbed at himself quite smugly.

And once again, Mary rubbed her face in frustration, "Banjo…Banjo…Banjo…" she took a deep breath, "I'm going to explain this in such a way that even a complete _moron_ would understand," she growled. "This jaguar right here is the toon I'm in love with. He's my boyfriend, and not _only_ is he my boyfriend, _he's also my_ FIANCÉ."

The jaguar blinked.

 _Say what?_

"And the reason he's my fiancé is because I'm going to marry _him_. Not _you, him_."

 _Say WHAT?_

 _Wow, this girl sure moves fast…_

Banjo dropped his ears and blanched at that, but he still tried to laugh it off, "Aw, Lil' Mary, don't be such a silly girl. Yew know he ain't th'marryin' sort. F'r awl we know," he glared at his rival, "he's just a washed up club boy who's connin' yew an' tryin' t'get ahead by usin' yew. An' yew can be darned sure Ah ain't gonna let him do that!" Pointing at the distance, he snarled, "Ah'm gonna see Mr. Rodriguez raght now an' tell him th'whole truth!"

The celebrity stomped off, but he didn't take more than three steps when Sweetie, again carrying her boyfriend, hovered in front of his face, and piped, "You're a little LATE FOR THAT, Banjo. This movie's FINISHED! OVER AND DONE!"

"Yup-yup! And if it wasn't for Mr. J.A.M. here, you would be finished too!"

Seething at the feeling of losing control, the opossum growled at the two, "Oh, please. As far as Ah know, _he's_ th'one who's finished!" he thumbed at the "culprit". "Ah mean, who'll ever hear of this washed-up strip dancer?"

"Everytoon will, my soon-to-be former co-star," replied the humanmaid, placing an arm tightly around the shoulders of her sudden _fiancé_. "Why else do you think Wally raised his hackles like he did? The J.A.M. nearly stole his movie right from under his footpaws!"

"And he's doing you a FAVOUR, too, you know!" added Sweetie, landing on Mary's shoulder.

"He's actually helping you in _Song of the North_ , yup-yup!" squeaked Sneezer with angry ears, standing on the jaguar's shoulder, oddly enough.

Banjo balked.

 _Helping?_

 _He didn't NEED any help, much less from a club boy!_

The actress continued, "Not to mention that he's getting full screen credit for it, too."

 _SCREEN CREDIT?!_

The marsupial raised his paws. Everytoon was speaking so fast that he was getting confused, and he felt a headache coming on again, "Say whut? A screen credit?" The others nodded. "Yew…are yew tellin' me that it's gonna say on th'platform that Ah don't skate or dance or sing f'r mahself?"

The mouse smiled and perked his ears, "Yup-yup! Well…you do sing better than we thought you would, so you still have that, yup-yup."

"Yeah! We didn't have to AUTO-TUNE you at all! Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!"

The opossum was definitely losing control of everything. He didn't know who to stare at, and could only stutter, "But…but…they cain't dew that t'me!"

"They already have, yup-yup."

Again, Mary grasped his shoulder and whirled him toward her, "It was the only way we could save this movie, _and_ our careers, Banjo! And notoon ever heard _you_ pitch in _any_ idea at all! If anything, you should be _thanking_ The J.A.M. and Mr. Rodriguez for doing this so you wouldn't end up in a second-hand circus on the bayou!" She stepped closer, glaring into his eyes, "What's more, there's a huge publicity campaign set up for all of this, and it will tell everytoon in the world what we did here. _And notoon can stop it._ Not you, not me, not The J.A.M. and not even Lightning at this point."

That was what finally pushed Banjo over the edge.

He shoved Mary back—making the jaguar extend his claws again—raised his hackles once more, and growled, "Publicity? _Publicity_?! Do yew actually think Ah'm gonna let mahself be railroaded by _publicity_! Yew poor deluded toons…" he turned to the rest, "yew couldn't be more delusional if'n yew tried! But yew're gonna see that notoon can make a fool out o' Banjo 'Possum! Notoon can make a _laughin'stock_ out o' Banjo 'Possum!" he yelled, stomping back and forth. "Juss' _whut_ dew they think Ah am, lame 'r somethin'? But Ah'll show 'em!" he pointed at the others and growled-yelled, "AH'LL SHOW YEW AWL! Ah make more money than…than…than Bill Clinton…PUT TOGETHER!"

With that, Banjo The Woodpile 'Possum stomped off, in a rage he had never felt before.

But even with his display of fury, as he stormed away, the others looked at his tail and _derrière_ once more.

And once more, his buttocks were completely lifeless, and his tail never stopped dragging on the floor…


	13. Juuichi – Playing The Media Like A Fiddl

**JUUICHI – PLAYING THE MEDIA LIKE A FIDDLE**

 _Later, at Lightning's office…_

" _Rodriguez Brothers completely awed at Banjo's awesome moves_ ," read the human, deadpan.

"I neverr sedd dat!"

Lightning, ears back, was again standing on his desk, and in front of him were his top two publicity directors. One was a short human male, somewhat fat and quite bald, and what little grey hair he had was on the back of his head, with a little bit on top. The other was a brown rabbit doe with a white muzzle, paws, and footpaws, about the same size as the human, and the two wore charcoal business suits.

The male just stared at the newspaper headline on the hologram currently generated by his tablet, and he seemed quite calm, despite the obvious tension in the room.

The doe, on the other hand, was very obviously agitated, with her hears tilted diagonally in frustration and anger.

She tapped a button on the tablet and another headline popped up, " _This premiere will reveal Banjo 'Possum as a major skating talent._ " She looked up and chattered, "Boss, you simply can't yank out the rug from under your publicity department!"

The human added, still deadpan, "We were all set to begin the ad campaign for The J.A.M. And then you pull off something like this. Mr. Rodriguez, we can do our jobs just fine, but if you're going to send out publicity yourself, it would really help if you inform us when you do, that way we won't have any problems with any advertiser."

The mouse stood and squeaked, quite angry, "Now josst a meenoote, yoo two! I deedn't send out enny ads. I don't know who deed dees!"

"Well, what are we gonna do now?" asked the doe.

"Nothin'. Yew're gonna dew _absolutely nothin'_."

The three turned to the door, and there was Banjo The Woodpile 'Possum, dressed in a white sports jacket and pants.

He shuffled over to the desk and continued; ears very alert, and his voice calm and calculating, "Yew _really_ don't wanna tell all th'TV networks an' news websites that Banjo 'Possum is a liar-liar-pants-on-fire, would yew?"

The CEO pointed an angry finger at him and asked, "Banjo, deed yoo send out oll of dees junk?"

The opossum calmly padded up and sat on the chair in front of the desk, with the two others stepping away and then standing on either side of him. "If'n yew're askin' 'bout those articles about mahself, well, Ah juss' _happened_ t'give out an exclusive interview…t'every TV network, radio station, an' entertainment website that would list'n t'me."

Lightning angered even more. "Banjo, do yoo teenk yoo'll get away weeth dees?" He turned to his assistants and ordered, "Pip, Harriet, send out a retracshon een today's press rrelease—"

Both the human and the doe raised their tablets, but Banjo quickly placed his paws on their wrists, stopping them.

"Yew _really_ don't wanna do that, Lil' Lightnin'," he said quite smugly, and even with a slight hint of predatory superiority.

The murid, of course, had faced predators much larger than this carnivorous marsupial. He stomped up to the edge of the desk and chattered, "YOO DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, BANJO!"

The celebrity almost laughed at the sight of a mouse getting angry with him. He simply leaned forward, and snarled, "Juss' _whut_ do yew think Ah am, lame 'r somethin'? Ah can very much tell yew whut t'do because mah agent _and_ mah lawyer went over mah contract last naght."

Still with balled fists and stiff features, Lightning asked, "And what eef dey deed?"

The carnivore replied, "Well, it juss' so happens that _Ah_ control mah publicity, not _yew_!"

"So what?! Yoo don't control anytoon else's pobleeceety!"

"That ain't entirely true, and yew know it, _'boss'_ ," he growled that last word with contempt as he leaned back in his chair. "Yew see, yewr studio is responsible f'r every single word posted about me. An' if'n I don't lahk what yew say 'bout me, Ah can sewe yew."

The mouse stared at him.

The human stared at him.

The doe stared at him.

"You can _what_?" the three asked simultaneously.

Banjo's smugness disappeared for a moment, and he repeated, "Sewe! Yew know, sewe yew an' take yew t'court?"

"Oh, you mean 'sue'," said Harriet, still with angry ears.

"That's what Ah said!" He relaxed again and continued, "So yeah, Ah can…'soo'," he tried to emulate the rabbitmaid's enunciation. "Th'thing is, Lightnin', if'n yew tell th'media all 'bout The J.A.M. bein' mah legs, it would be…" he tried to remember the exact words, "'injurious and pernicious' t'mah career." He chuckled and placed his paws behind his head. "One wrong word from yew an' Ah can 'soo' f'r th'whole studio!"

The murid exploded in rage, "DAT'S NONSENSE AND YOO KNOW EET, YOO RROAD PIZZA!"

Banjo suddenly brandished a hard copy—a _printed_ document—and he slammed it next to the rodent, making him jump away in fright. The celebrity pointed at the first section of the first page and rapidly recited, "It says so rahgt here, contract dated June first, 2020, section one, paragraph fahve, letter A: 'The party of the first part…'" he chuckled, "…that's me, yew know."

Lightning had already read ahead of his employee, and he slumped his shoulders, ears, and tail. "Okay, yoo ween, Banjo. The J.A.M.'s ad campaign ees cancelled."

"And do we take Mr. J.A.M.'s credit off?" asked Pip, still deadpan.

"YES!" squeaked the CEO. "Do eet now! Josst get dees premierre overr and done weeth!"

With that, the human and the doe left the office.

The mouse saw them leave, and then he turned to Banjo, "Derre, arre yoo happy now, even dough J.A.M. saved yoorr carreerr?"

 _Yew WISH he did…_

The opossum leaned back and smiled, "Well, now that yew mention it, thar _is_ one last li'l thing."

"Ees derre now? Don't tell me yoo want me to change de estoodeeo's name to 'Possum Peecshoorres, Incorrporrated'?"

The marsupial spun his chair so the left armrest pressed against the desk. "Oh, Lightnin', yew've been so uptaght lately. But no, yew can keep yewr name. But what Ah was thinkin' was that yew up an' gave that mangy wetback a part 'n Wally's movie, and yew were gonna give him a bigger one 'n th'next?"

"And what's dat to yoo? Yoo'rre not Wally's co-starr!"

"No, but if'n that cat's done such an amazin' job bein' mah legs an' foot-paws…" He tilted his head at his boss, "…maybe that's juss' whut he should do…and _keep_ doin'…" He snarled, "An' nothin' else!"

If Lightning could fire him right now, he would have. Shaking an angry finger at him, he squeaked, "Banjo, yoo'rre notts!"

"Maybe, but _yew_ know that Ah'm much more important t'yewr studio than he is. Ah'm th'one with experience, an' he's a nobody, an' yew know that!"

The mouse was ready to tear off his headfur. "Banjo, I wouldn't do dat to heem orr _anytoon_! You rreally josst want to take hees new carreerr away? Notoon does teengs like dat!"

"Toon?!" he spat, leaning back. "Ah'm _much_ more than a toon, Lightnin'! Why, Ah'm a…" He trailed off, unable to remember what he had posted the night before. He pulled out his tablet, tapped on the screen, and read from the hologram, "Ah'm 'th'brightest comet that's sweepin' through th'naght sky 'n this technolololological dawn." He pointed at the projection, and added, "Says so raght here," he chuckled.

Lightning had no choice. He sighed with defeat and padded back to his workstation, to supervise the removal of the jaguar's name from the movie.

Banjo smiled ferally.

 _He had won…_


	14. Juuni – The Dance Dance Revelation—excus

**JUUNI – THE DANCE DANCE REVELATION—excuse me—REVOLUTION**

The Chinese Theatre's façade had remained intact, while its insides had been completely gutted and re-done. Its new double-amphitheatre setup was much larger than average, considering that it would also double as a stage theatre. Hence, the display platform was twenty metres in diameter.

The only difference outside was the new holo-billboard that didn't just display the film's name to the street. The hologram was being projected _over_ the theatre, so very much half of Hollywood could see what was being screened that night.

The hologram, cylindrical in shape, rotated the text:

 **PREMIERE TONIGHT**

 **THE FIRST 360-DEGREE FEATURE LENGTH MUSICAL**

 **BANJO THE WOODPILE 'POSSUM**

 **MARY MELODY**

 **IN**

 **DANCE OF THE NORTH 360**

And from the crowd and the traffic jam in front of the theatre, it was obvious that Banjo's publicity campaign had been successful…

* * *

The audience was very much riveted to their seats; no one moved a muscle for the entire 143 minutes that the hologram projected on the huge display platform.

 _And what was more, everytoon knew that they would be able to see this movie 359 more times and have each time be different from the rest._

Eventually, as with every movie, the conclusion came up.

" _Billy Bob", ears low, crawled almost feline-like through the burning and smouldering rubble of what was once a mansion, trying to find his human girlfriend, the love of his life._

 _He called out, "JOSIE! JOSIE!" Though he had to stop and cough several times._

 _Suddenly, he finally saw her, lying face down and unconscious under a thick wooden beam that was still burning in some spots of its top side. "JOSIE!" he screamed. He slithered deftly around "Josie", and with uncharacteristic strength—and muscles that he definitely didn't have before—he slowly lifted the beam from her body, pushed it away, and dropped it just inches from her head._

 _Panting, he kneeled next to her, cradling her head on his lap. "Josie, mah luv, Ah found yew at last!" The only reason he wasn't panicking was because "Josie" was still breathing._

 _What did frighten him, though, were the bloodstains that were making her dark dress even darker._

 _"Josie, yew're hurt! Please, speak t'me, babe, speak t'me!"_

 _Oddly enough, "Josie" didn't speak, but instead opened her eyes and sang:_

"No, the heart that has truly loved never forgets," _She leaned up to hold his head in her hands. "Billy Bob" was startled, naturally, but only for a moment. He smiled with relief, raised his ears, and sang as well:_

"But as truly loves on t' th'close…"

 _"Josie" sat up, breathing deeply._

 _"Billy Bob" embraced her, and declared, "Josie, yew're never leavin' mah arms again…ever."_

 _"I never want to leave them, dear William," she sighed._

In the audience, the same piglady from before whispered to her husband, "Mary Melody's a superstar!"

He replied, "She is, but that 'Possum guy, what moves! If I didn't know he was a marsupial, I'd _swear_ he was a feline!"

Behind them, in their formal attire, was The J.A.M. with Sneezer and Sweetie on his shoulders; the three with alert features.

"Well, it _looks_ like your idea worked just perfectly, guys," smiled the jaguar. He was still disappointed that his ad campaign had been suddenly cancelled; Lightning mentioned "technical problems", but didn't say anything else.

Sneezer only agreed, "Yup-yup!"

" _Josie", now sitting up straight, looked into "Billy Bob's" eyes and said, "I'll always be in your arms, William. Our love will last until the last black hole evaporates." Then she sang once more:_

"As the sunflower turns on her god when it sets…" _"Billy Bob" joined her in the last line, shifting into a crescendo as the melody reached its climax:_

"The same look…which she turned…when it rooooooooooooooooooooose…!"

 _The lovers embraced fully and kissed, right when the music shifted to an orchestral arrangement that swelled to a peak and then into a finale._

 ** _THE END_**

 ** _A RODRIGUEZ BROTHERS PRODUCTION_**

…displayed the hologram.

And of course, the audience exploded in applause and cheers.

As the credits scrolled and the closing theme played, the projectors raised the image higher and higher, at the same time the theatre's lights turned on again.

Then, thanks to a special addition made to the very large display platform, a three-metre circular hatch at its centre slid aside, and Banjo and Mary emerged, again in their formal attire, eliciting even more applause and cheers.

Again, both had their in-line skates, and again, she was holding his right arm very firmly as they slowly rolled around in order to bow and blow kisses to the entire audience, which went on for several minutes. Despite still being led, the marsupial's ears were perked and alert.

Under the display platform—in fact, under the entire hall—was the new "backstage", which would later be termed "understage". It featured concrete support columns, various theatre stage sets and props, and several large mainframe computers that directly controlled the hologram projectors above. There was Lightning Rodriguez, again being held by Calamity, both with happy features, and the two had just seen the mini-elevator raise the two stars up to the top of the display platform. The access hatch closed, but that barely dampened the audience's roar.

Both then turned to a monitor that displayed what was going on above them, and the two also basked in the applause and cheers.

Moments later, The J.A.M., Sneezer, and Sweetie entered the understage (as part of the production crew, they had full access), and the jaguar ran up to the coyote.

"Mr. Coyote, Mr. Rodriguez, that was amazing!" he exclaimed, shaking the director's paw, and the producer's paw with his index finger.

"A real smash, yup-yup!" added Sneezer.

The CEO, however, twitched his ears and stiffened momentarily, suddenly realising that both The J.A.M. _and_ Banjo were in the same building. Still, he replied, "Congrachoolayshons, yoo thrree. Tennks to yoo, dees moovie ees a heet!"

"YOU'RE WELCOME!" piped Sweetie.

They all turned to the monitor to see Mary and Banjo thank the audience, and a minute or two later, the actress signalled the control booth above her to take them down. The hatch reopened, making the audience's roar blast all around understage, and the two actors descended on the mini-elevator that took them to the lower level.

The moment the hatch closed and the roar dampened again, the humanmaid dashed from the mini-elevator and practically pounced on the jaguar, much to her co-star's chagrin. He followed her, scowling, ears low, and nearly stumbling on his roller blades.

"'Jammy', dearest, we did it!" exclaimed the African-American, hugging tightly her fiancé.

"Marrrrrrrrry, it's nothing shorrrrrrrrrt of a mirrrrrrrrracle!" he purred, rubbing his cheeks on hers.

The tiny pair switched to her shoulders, "It was awesome, Mary! TRULY AWESOME!

Sneezer turned slightly and added, "Oh, you were great too, Banjo, yup-yup. You skated just as well as Mr. J.A.M. did, yup-yup-yup!"

Slowly turning his scowl into a sinister smile, the opossum perked his ears and snarled, "Yew got _that raght_! An' Ah'm gonna dew that f'r a _very_ long tahm, too!"

Suspicious, the humanmaid turned to him, "And just what do you mean by that, Banjo?"

The marsupial chuckled and crossed his spindly arms. "Ah mean…" he declared, "…that this mangy cat's gonna keep on skatin' f'r me…no if's, and's, or but's!"

Mary had enough. She released her jaguar, signalled her friends to hop on to the feline's shoulders, grabbed the opossum by his lapels, and yanked him close, with their noses touching. Her fiery eyes met his defiant ones, "Now you just listen to me, Banjo, I had the nagging feeling that something rotten was brewing behind those beady eyes of yours. But get this!" She shook him, removing his smug smile and dropping his ears for a second. "The J.A.M. has a career of his own! He only did this as a _favour_ for you _only_ in this one movie!" she shouted.

Much to her surprise, Banjo not only scowled again, but his expression turned downright feral. He slapped his co-star's hands off his tuxedo—the panther again extended his claws here—flattened his ears, raised his hackles, bared his teeth at her, and growled, "That's whut _yew_ think, yew semi-bald monkey."

Knowing that a physical confrontation was about to start, Calamity suddenly signed, "Another curtain call! They can't get enough of you! GO!"

Both performers looked at the coyote, and then back at each other, silently agreeing to a momentary truce in order to give their audience what they wanted, so the marsupial relaxed his features. With the actress firmly holding the actor's arm, they skated back to the mini-elevator, emerged at the main hall, and once more bowed to their audience, with "sincere" smiles plastered to their faces.

About a minute after the roar dampened again, Sweetie asked Lightning, "Don't you think Banjo's acting like a _PRIMA DONNA_?"

"Or at least his ego is getting bigger than normal, yup-yup."

Lightning sighed, ears low, practically in defeat once more, "Yes, yes he ees—"

The curtain call was very brief, however. Mary and Banjo descended again, jumped off the elevator, rolled toward their boss and director—with the humanmaid making sure the marsupial didn't fall—and they resumed their argument:

"Listen, road kill!" The actress shoved him quite angrily. "Don't even _think_ about getting any cockamamie ideas about the future of J.A.M.'s career!" She looked at the CEO and begged, "Lightning, say something!"

The _prima donna_ blurted before his boss could reply, "Never mahnd her, Lightnin'! Cain't yew hear that applause up there? They're practically gonna _throw_ money at us f'r sequels an' remakes! Yew'll be throwin' away a fortune if'n yew let that _wetback nobody_ refuse t'be mah legs!"

The producer rubbed his face.

Calamity, meanwhile, looked at the toons around him, and signed, "Boss, he does have a point. It wouldn't be just a fortune; it would be a gold mine!"

Before the CEO could reply, the feline padded up to the marsupial. "I think you have to understand one thing, Mr. 'Possum," he said calmly, ears low, and keeping his tail from bristling. "The choice of being your body double eventually falls on me. And considering the toon that you've shown to be, then I refuse," he declared defiantly.

"Do yew really think yew have a choice, yew mangy wetback?" Banjo pressed his nose against The J.A.M.'s., matching his features. "Yew've got a five-year contract, chump, so yew _will_ do whutevar Mr. Rodriguez _tells_ yew t'do."

The humanmaid shoved the opossum aside and countered, "Well, you've got _one_ thing right, you road pizza! If Lightning says J.A.M. _won't_ be your body double, then not even _you_ can make him do anything!" She turned to her boss and pleaded, "Lightning, please! You _know_ you can put Banjo in his place!"

The murid just rubbed his face and temples.

 _He hated migraines…_

"Ugh…evereetoon estop talkeeng so fast! Now I have to go overr _both_ of yoorr contracts beforre I say aneeteeng!" Wearily, he looked up at the actress, "Eet's josst dat…dees teeng ees so… _huge_!"

Mary couldn't believe it.

 _The one toon she had trusted for so many years was falling apart in front of her._

Calamity, analysing the situation again, came to the rescue once more. He looked up and signed, "They're tearing the house down! Quick, make another curtain call!"

"YES! Take eet! NOW!" squeaked the executive mouse, with the desperation of a drowning toon.

The two actors again glared at each other, and did as he said, so for the third time they disappeared amidst a blast of applause and cheers.

Lightning, meanwhile, honestly couldn't decide.

It was either money, or ethics.

Untold fortune, or a friendship.

Approval by the stockholders, or refusing to be a dictator.

Sweetie and Sneezer interpreted his hesitation as either him _not_ considering their feline friend's position, or downright approval of Banjo's demands.

The canarymaid flew up to him and piped, "Lightning, if we had GIVEN YOU a cigar, we would have asked FOR IT BACK at this point."

With pleading paws, the murid turned to them and tried to explain, "Sweetie, Sneezer, please, evereeteeng ees happeneeng very queeckly. Eef yoo josst leesten to me for a meenoote—"

His explanation was cut short when another explosion of applause and cheers blasted through understage.

Again the two actors descended, jumped off the mini-elevator, and skated toward their boss.

The celebrity was first to speak, "List'n t'them all! Ah'm finally a superstar!" He turned to the jaguar and sneered, "J.A.M., yew're stuck with me."

The feline bristled, lowered his ears again, and snarled, "This isn't over, Banjo, so don't you go anywhere." He winced, placed a paw on his abdomen, turned away, and grumbled, "I knew I drank too much soda…" and left to look for a bathroom.

As he left, Mary turned to the CEO and declared, "Lightning, if you let this spoiled brat _and_ bully have his way, you can very much just get yourself a new actress! I won't stand for _any_ of this! And you know my contract renewal is coming up, so I can very much refuse to sign—!"

"An' juss' who do yew think needs yew?!" The _prima donna_ spat, leaning into his co-star's face. "Yew were a total _nobody_ 'afore yew started workin' with me when Ah was already a _star_! Those toons up thar would come to see _me_ even if'n Ah starred opposite a mushroom!"

At that statement, Lightning had enough.

He zoomed down Calamity's shoulder, zoomed up the opossum's body, and stopped on top of his snout. Ears stiff and fur bristling, he stomped right in front of his eyes, and squeaked, "Now yoo josst hold on derre, Banjo! Yoo know dat Mery's a sooperrstarr too! And de last time I checked, _YOO worrked forr ME!_ "

In brazen defiance and contempt, Banjo plucked Lightning from his snout and held him aloft by his tail. The mouse was frightened for a second, but he didn't let it show to his employee. After all, he had no less than five friends to help him out in case the marsupial went berserk, made quite obvious by their startled features and sudden defensive stances at the opossum's actions, preparing to pounce as they expected the worst to happen.

The _prima donna_ , meanwhile, simply said, "Do yew really think _Ah'm_ th'one workin' f'r _yew_? Yew may be th'big hot-shot producer, but if'n yew dew _or_ say anythin' with that wetback that'll 'hurt' mah career, yew know that Ah can very much sewe yew f'r th' _entire_ studio, so yew maght as well start gettin' used to doin' what _Ah_ say now… _yew miserable rodent_ ," he snarled, ears low.

The murid he was holding didn't become CEO by cowering under stress, however. All he did was ask, "So, weell yoo change de estoodeeo's name to 'Banjo 'Possum Peecshoores, Eencorrporated'?"

The marsupial snickered, "Ah just _maght_!"

"Banjo, de estockholders won't geeve yoo de time of day! And even _eef_ yoo take overr, every actorr weell rrefuse to rrenew deirr contracts weeth yoo and de stoodeeo weell be—!"

"SPEECH!" signed Calamity, plucking his boss from Banjo's paw, again coming to the rescue in the nick of time. "Mary, Banjo, they're begging for a speech!"

The _prima donna_ hushed at that.

He thought for a moment, and declared, "Yew know, it's been a while since Ah gave a speech awl by mahself, much less _without_ this furless monkey actin' as mah crutch!" he thumbed at Mary. "So tonaght, Ah'll _finally_ be skatin' solo!"

The coyote stared at him and signed, "What? But you don't know how to—"

The actress suddenly pulled down his sign, "Cal, let him go, he's right." As she spoke, the marsupial stumbled back to the mini-elevator and ascended once more, this time by himself. The humanmaid saw him leave, and once the hatch closed, she continued, "This _is_ Banjo's big night after all. He's entitled to his own aftershow, considering his hard work!" she stated, though with a _very_ sly expression on her face. She looked up, and then turned to her friends, "Right?"

Everytoon looked at each other, and understood. They all smiled slyly too and agreed, _"Riiiiiiiight…"_ and turned to the monitor to see his fully improvised "aftershow".

Back up in the main hall, Banjo raised his arms and ears and basked in the applause and cheers that his fans poured, and continue to pour. For a while, he just stood still, ignoring those in the audience behind him, and it wasn't until he blew kisses at those in front of him that he remembered that there were toons staring at his tail, so he turned to blow kisses to them as well.

"Thank…thank yew awll…" he began, and the audience hushed in order to listen. "Ladies an' gentletoons, Ah'm completely…awed at yewr reaction…" He slowly rolled forward, before waddling in a clumsy circle on the platform. "…of _Dance of the North_ , th'studio's first 360-degree movie. Through thick an' thin—" he almost stumbled, but oddly enough, kept his balance, "—an' painful work, an' long hours, we were able t'put together what ya'll saw tonaght." And as always, his tail dragged lifelessly behind him, as limp as his buttocks were.

 _And the audience very much noticed that, giving each other confused looks and whispering questions about the actor in front of them._

"So if'n ya'll had a wonnerful tahm tonaght, an' if'n ya'll wanna come back f'r more, an' if'n ya'll are beggin' us f'r more, then we know our hard work paid off…"

 _…and paid off BIG…_ he thought to himself.

"So thank ya'll an' good naght," he finished, blowing everytoon a kiss.

In the audience, the pink skunkmaid from before told her mousemaid friend, "Strange, he didn't skate like that in the movie at _all_ …"

Behind her, the purple rabbit doe, also from before, called out, "Enough speeches, Banjo! Like, dance!"

The entire audience agreed, so now, instead of cheering and applauding, they clamoured for the marsupial to roller dance, live, in front of them.

And as was expected, Banjo stiffened with panic.

 _Dance?_

Roller _dance?_

 _Right here?_

 _Right NOW?_

 _In front of EVERYTOON?_

Back understage, Mary and her friends smugly watched the _prima donna_ squirm, and heard the audience chant, "DANCE! DANCE! DANCE! DANCE…!"

She then asked her boss, "Say, Lightning, you and the studio have to answer for every word of Banjo's publicity?"

The murid sagged, "Yes, dat's why he has de opperr paw rright now."

The humanmaid saw her co-star frantically signal the control booth to take him down again. "But Banjo doesn't have any contracts with the Chinese Theatre, does he?"

Her friends looked at her.

The actress smiled and secretly explained everything, just before turning to see Banjo stumble off the mini-elevator and The J.A.M. come back from the bathroom.

The opossum slipped and grabbed onto Calamity's coat lapels before he face-planted on the floor. He cried, ears low, "Ah cain't roller dance! Whut do Ah do now? _JUST WHUT DA HEYELL DO AH DO NOW?!_ "

Lightning straightened up and ordered, like the CEO he was, "Banjo, josst calm down and rrelax. Dees ees what yoo'rre goeeng to do, so shott opp and leesten. Calameety, poot me down, and help Sneezer and Sweetie preparre de moshon capshoorre booth."

The celebrity stared at them.

"This theatre has a motion capture booth?"

"It got much more upgrades than the other theatre we were in," signed Calamity, as he placed his boss on top of the monitor. Then, the other two tiny toons jumped on his shoulders and he ran to the mini-elevator, which was where the booth was located.

The CEO nodded and called, "J.A.M., come herre!"

The jaguar, quite surprised, and wary of the _prima donna_ , padded up.

"J.A.M. get eento yoorr moshon capshoorre suit. Den go to de booth and dance forr Banjo, like yoo deed beforre."

At that, the marsupial became even more confused. "Waittaminute, he's gonna be under me, roller dancin', an' Ah'll be on th'platform, pretendin' t'dance?"

Mary stood firmly beside him and confirmed, "You got that right, my dear co-star."

The panther did a double take at that. "What? You mean you agree with me continuing this farce?"

His fiancée didn't smile, or smirk. She just agreed firmly, "J.A.M., you _must_ do this! Don't you want to be part of this _huge_ gold mine you helped discover?"

He bristled, but before he could reply, Lightning piped, "Of _corrse_ he has to do dees! J.A.M., yoo've got a five-yearr contract weeth me, so yoo _weell_ do what I tell yoo to do! _And I'm telleeng yoo to get eenside dat booth and dance, yoo feline!_ "

The African-American crossed her arms and spat, "You heard your boss, J.A.M. Do it now!"

The jaguar glared at her.

Had she honestly agreed to not only continue the deceit, but to also take Banjo's side?

Everything they had previously shared, everything that _she_ had disproven…

 _…it was all for the money, and nothing else?_

All the stereotypes he had dismissed… _they had all been real all this time?_

Heartbroken and enraged, he bristled fully, flattened his ears, bared his teeth, and pointed a _very_ sharp claw at his former _fiancée_. "Very well, _Miss_ Melody, I'll do it," he snarled. "But let the record show that as of this moment, _we_ are _through_ , and I'll be erasing _plenty_ of disks and memory cards when I get home. As for my contract," he turned to Lightning, "Well, it would be a real shame if one day _La Migra_ got their wires crossed and deported the wrong jaguar…"

Mary blanched from the moment she heard him call her "Miss".

 _No, she was NOT going to lose him now._

 _Just this one little number, my love, and then everything will be okay._

The CEO squeaked, "Banjo, GO!"

The marsupial stumbled back to the mini-elevator while the onça angrily spin-changed into his motion capture suit and roller blades and waited for the _prima donna_ to ascend once more.

Mary and Lightning, meanwhile, stood back, and watched.

Back in the main hall, the audience stopped chanting and exploded in cheers again as Banjo emerged once more, and the lights dimmed. Again he bowed and blew kisses, and waited for the clamour to die down.

At that, on a back corner of the theatre's ceiling, the light on the control booth lit up, and spotlights shone on it and on the platform below. Then the theatre's speakers came to life as the booth's DJ, a young condor, spoke into his microphone while looking down his front window, "Eyup-yup-yup. What song do you want, Mr. 'Possum?"

The opossum panicked and lowered his ears once more as his mind blanked completely at that question. But right then, a miniscule utility slot on the platform slid open, courtesy of the panther in the motion capture booth below him. Keeping his head immobile, the marsupial glanced down, quite surprised, but he was the only toon in the theatre who heard the jaguar quietly hiss:

"'Slippin' On The Ice'!"

Nodding confidently now, the celebrity smugly straightened his spine and his features, looked up at the DJ, and announced with plenty of flair, "'Slippin' On Th'Ice', please."

"'Slippin' On The Ice' it is, yup-yup-yup." Concord tapped a few buttons on his console and brought up the requested musical piece. But then his screen suddenly displayed even _more_ settings that made him blink with slight confusion. He looked out the window and spoke on the microphone again, "Um…what tempo?"

Banjo lowered his ears yet again.

Scratch and lower head.

Slide slot open.

" _Allegro_."

Slide slot closed.

Straighten up and smile.

" _Allegro_!"

Concord blinked a few times once more, trying to find the requested term on his console. "Ah, 'allEEgro' it is, yup-yup-yup…" and pressed Play.

The booth's main light dimmed and the spotlight shut off, and the remaining spotlight illuminated Banjo's head, and only his head, in order to deliberately conceal his real body and hide the hologram projectors that came to life.

The music began with a lively beat, and the opossum sang:

 _"Ah'm slippin' on th'ice!"_ He "danced" gracefully, giving the impression that the stage was covered with ice as he slid back and forth.

 _"Just slippin' on th'ice!"_ His tail twirled sinuously behind him, providing balance and even doubling as a walking cane.

 _"F'r a fabulous pratfall…"_ He appeared to "slip", but all of his movements were being carefully choreographed.

 _"Juss' follow this advice!_

 _Let yewr feet take a flip!"_ The crowd gasped when he did a summersault and landed with a slow splits.

 _"He's broken his hip!"_ he laughed, pointing at the audience.

 _"Ah'm slippin' and slidin' on th'ice!"_

The avian DJ sat back, enjoying the show, but turned slightly when he heard the booth's door open. He did a double take when none other than Lightning Rodriguez, Mary Melody, and Sneezer entered his booth, and the three were happily singing along:

 _"I'm slippin' on the ice!_

 _Don't have to tell you twice!_

 _All groundwater's frozen._

 _So let me be concise!_

 _A body cast awaits_

 _If you forget your skates!_

 _And you're slippin' and slidin' on the ice!"_

The condor fledgling gasped when Lightning hopped on the console and pressed an "arrow up" button next to the label "PLATFORM".

Down below, Banjo was completely oblivious to the platform slowly beginning to rise from the floor, taking him with it. In fact, his head was so up in the clouds that when he finally noticed the audience "sinking" around him, he thought that it was all in his head, and the audience's surprise was simply a reaction to his suave "movements".

 _The audience's surprise turned into laughter when they saw the motion capture booth below the display platform rise from the floor._

And the jaguar, who suddenly saw himself rising as well, flattened his ears and gasped with terror when the fraud was revealed…

 _…when he was revealed to be participating in a lie._

His training, of course, ordered him to continue dancing: "The show must go on".

Glancing around, he saw that there was no way out of this.

And despite wearing a full-body motion capture suit, he felt naked.

Not nekkid, but completely _naked_.

 _"Just slippin' on th'ice!"_ Sweetie, also in a motion capture suit, suddenly hovered in front of the panther's face, abruptly halting his terror, turning it into confusion.

 _"Some salt here would suffice!"_ He had no time to think when the canarymaid unexpectedly brandished a mallet and whacked him off the motion capture area.

 _"Cain't wait for th'springtime."_ Sweetie then threw the mallet away and flew into the booth.

 _"Yew're free from friction's vice!"_ On the platform, the opossum was wondering what the audience was laughing at.

 _"Compound fractures on demand!"_ Sure, the song was from a comedy, but he didn't recall it being _that_ funny—

 _"Yew have t'understand…"_ At that moment, the hologram that covered his body changed, and when he looked down, he saw that he was "fluttering" like a bird!

 _"They're from slippin' and slidin' on th'ice!"_ The lights abruptly turned on again and the hologram projectors shut down, revealing to everytoon his trademark waddle and his limp tail. Horrified, the _prima donna_ saw the jaguar lying on the floor between the aisles, two meters away from the motion capture area, with little Sweetie Birds flying around his head.

The song suddenly stopped.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Banjo flattened his ears, screamed in terror, clumsily leapt off the main stage, fell on his lifeless rear, and tumbled for a second or two. He skated for the nearest exit, tripping over himself and doing several face-plants by the time he reached it.

 _…No one is sure where he went, but rumours spread all over the internet that he ended up performing in a second-hand circus somewhere in the Louisiana bayou…_

The jaguar, meanwhile, shook his head and regained his senses. Also feeling defeated, insulted, exposed, and humiliated, he rose to his foot-paws and tensed his features, eyeing with unspeakable hatred the toons in the control booth, and the humanmaid that was climbing down the steps that led to it, moving as fast as her skates would allow.

Mary pointed at him and yelled, "Ladies and gentletoons, please! Stop the jaguar in the motion capture suit! STOP HIM NOW!"

Infuriated beyond measure, the panther looked around, and saw a sign on the far wall:

 **EXIT**

He tensed his legs and prepared to warp away from that girl, from the theatre, from the United States, and from the entertainment industry in general…

[WA—!]

[THUD!]

The J.A.M. suddenly found himself flattened against a black brick wall that smelled quite strongly of male bovine, which had apparently appeared between him and the exit quite unexpectedly. Slowly, the panther grabbed his own head and peeled himself from the "wall". After shaking himself back into shape and full consciousness, he looked up and saw that it wasn't a bunch of bricks, but a mountain of muscle that had blocked his path.

A black bull, who towered on his hindquarters, nearly a meter higher than the jaguar's head, twitched his ears and snorted angrily at the feline, but then his disapproving scowl turned into an expression of concern and annoyance.

Then, the bull spoke:

 _"¡Hombre, que te está hablando!"_ [Hey, man, she's talking to you!]

…with a _very_ heavy Andalucian accent, gesturing toward the African-American, who was now descending down the aisle.

The actress proclaimed, " _HE'S_ the toon who did all the smooth and awesome skating moves you saw and loved tonight! He's the _REAL AND TRUE_ star of the movie! He's _THE J.A.M._!"

At that, the panther calmed down, relaxed his ears, and slowly turned to face her, looking at her with surprise, confusion, and with just a slight hint of tenderness.

"J.A.M.," she whispered.

Up in the booth, Sneezer gestured to Concord to step back from the console, which he did, and the mouse began lowering the display platform as he brought up an appropriate song for the moment.

Music played from the speakers again, and Mary Melody sang to her beloved feline [youtu be /3zJlvq1qJGw]:

 _"How can I just let you walk away?"_ She extended her hands at him.

 _"Just let you leave without a trace?"_ She had to walk down the aisle on the tips of her skates, very carefully.

 _"When I stand here taking every breath, with you…oo?"_ Her eyes were glistening with tears.

 _"You're the only one who really knew me at all…"_ The jaguar tilted his ears forward and breathed deeply, rolling toward the platform. Mary continued:

 _"How can you just walk away from me?"_ Despite being so close to her fans on either side of her, notoon dared touch her.

 _"When all I can do is watch you leave?"_ Notoon dared spoil this moment.

 _"'Cause we shared the laughter and the pain…"_ The motion capture booth and the platform were now back in their original positions.

 _"And even shared the tears."_ The lights dimmed again and two spotlights shone on each of them.

 _"You're the only one who really knew me at all."_ Both sets of eyes glistened under the spotlights. But then, the onça sang:

 _"So take a look at me now:"_ He gestured at himself.

 _"'Cause there's just an empty space."_ Carefully, he climbed up on the platform.

 _"There's nothing LEFT here to remind me!"_ He shut his eyes and flattened his ears, bristling, swishing his tail, and shaking his head.

 _"Just the memory of your face!"_ He turned to her again.

 _"Oh? Take a look at me now!"_ She countered, also climbing on the platform.

 _"There's just an empty space."_ She gestured at herself, too.

 _"And you coming back to me—!"_ And pointed at each other.

 _"Is against the odds!"_ Very slim odds, and yet…

 _"And that's what I've got to faaace…"_ Both were on the stage, but they rolled in a circle, orbiting each other.

 _"I wish I could just make you turn around—!"_ She turned away.

 _"—Turn around and see me cry—!"_ They both cried.

 _"There's so much I need to say to you,"_ he turned to her, slightly.

 _"So many reasons why…"_ they both said.

 _"You're the only one who really knew me at all,"_ he sighed as he finally admitted that. Mary sang:

 _"So take a look at me now!"_ They moved closer.

 _"Well, there's just an empty space."_ She pointed at her heart before grabbing his paw.

 _"There's nothing LEFT here to remind me!"_ They skated in a circle, facing each other.

 _"Just the memory of your face!"_ She caressed his furry cheek.

 _"Now, take a look at me now!"_ He practically shouted.

 _"'Cause theeeere's just an empty space!"_ He also pointed at his chest.

 _"But to wait for you—is all I can do!"_ He grabbed her other hand.

 _"And that's what I've got to face!"_ The two pulled even closer, still circling.

 _"Take-a-good-look-at-me-now!"_ His fangs flashed as the two shouted at the ceiling, backing each other up.

 _"'Cause IIIIII'LL still be standing here!"_ He stomped on the platform.

 _"And you coming back-to-me—!"_ They pointed at each other.

 _"Is against all odds!"_ They moved closer.

 _"It's the chance I've got to taaaake…"_

They embraced gently and the circling slowly stopped…

…The two, now standing on a grassy hill, embracing and looking up into the darkening sky, gazed at a publicity drone that drifted over Hollywood and its animated 360-degree hologram below it that scrolled in an endless loop an image of a movie title and its starring actors; proclaiming to one and all:

 **SLIPPIN' ON THE ICE**

 **Mary Melody The J.A.M.**

 **RODRIGUEZ BROTHERS**

 _"Take a look at me now…"_

He lowered his ears, and the couple looked at each other again before sharing yet another deep kiss as the song transformed from a slow pop ballad into an orchestral and choral finale…

 **THE END**


	15. Juusan – Post-Festival Surprise

**JUUSAN – POST-FESTIVAL SURPRISE**

The Looniversity Auditorium was in quite an uproar.

It seemed that Sneezer and Sweetie _did indeed_ steal the show, so after the festival ended, just about the entire student body was fighting and crowding each other in order to shake their paws/wings and have them sign their yearbooks.

The other "bit-players", too, were overwhelmed by their sudden popularity, and they, too, were being begged for their signatures in everytoons' yearbooks.

One toon was quite agitated, however. She was, as many expected, a certain pink rabbit doe, and she was currently yelling and screaming that her friend Harriet was in plenty of trouble for _not_ calling her to tell her that the brown doe had a part in the movie, and that notoon had bothered to approach the pink doe to offer her _any_ part in the movie whatsoever, not even one of a "bit player", much less an extra.

And there was one toon who didn't like the movie at all: a green duck who was bragging and arguing that he could have made a much better leading toon, villain, or even the movie director instead of—ugh— _carnivores…_

Two other toons, however, had enough hoopla for one evening, and stealthily slipped away from the excited crowd, exiting the building through a side entrance.

The couple stepped out and walked on the tranquil campus lawn, away from the harsh lighting of the buildings and the walkways, and away from the migraine-inducing noise of their new "fans" who were speaking and arguing simultaneously in the loudest volume they could conjure. They headed toward a dark forested area, lit only by whatever starlight managed to make it to the ground and what little moonlight there was, given the current phase and time of night.

Mary was a trifle nervous; with her boyfriend leading her away from crowds— _witnesses_ —and toward a more secluded— _intimate?_ —section where they wouldn't be… _bothered?—interrupted?_

"It's…been a crazy—loony—four years, hasn't it?" he interrupted her thoughts.

She smiled, with her nervousness ebbing slightly, "You helped make that happen. Before you arrived, the only 'loony' around here was reserved for the 'stars'. Then you unwarped here and opened our eyes to a world that we _thought_ was being denied to us. And tonight we finally saw the culmination of everything we struggled to obtain…and we obtained more than what we thought was possible, Furrycoat…" She stood in front of him and held his arms, "But there's no way we could have done so without a stoic Mexican jaguar who had no choice but to kick our keesters in order to 'wake us up' from what we thought was our lot in life. And now…" she looked up, "…now, I feel like there's no stopping us. Not in the Looniversity, not in Hollywood, nowhere. I…just hope that whatever path we choose…it won't pull us apart."

The jaguar winced, lowering his ears.

"Um…yeah…about that…" he stuttered, scratching his head, "…that's…what I wanted to talk to you about…"

Mary blanched.

"J…J.A.M., you're not going back to Mexico for good, are you? You're not…leaving…me— _us_ …are you?"

"No!" he growled, but now he was more nervous than she was a moment ago. "It's just that…what you said about…our paths pulling us apart…"

"Furrycoat, I still don't know where I'll be going after this. We still have to see if we get any offers after the films get distributed, and—"

"I know, I know!" he interrupted, and turned away from her. "It's just that…there has been…something…building up…" he wouldn't look at her, but his feline night vision still gave him a clear view of the dark field, "…and…at first, I was able to handle it…but as time went on, it's been…more and more difficult…to hold it back."

The humanmaid gasped, "J.A.M., you're not turning feral, are you?"

"NO!" his fur and tail bristled as he stomped on the dew-covered grass, so his stomp was quite muffled. "It has nothing to do with me being a carnivore…or a jaguar…or a student…or a toon…it…it has to do with…me being…your boyfriend," he sighed.

At that, Mary's heart sank to her feet. "J…J.A.M.…you know I'll always love you…but…if you truly feel that…" she began crying, "…that…we can't be together…because of something I did or said—"

[WARPUNWARP!]

Now _he_ was holding her arms _very_ tightly.

"Will you…stop trying to deduce what I'm trying to say? It's difficult enough for me as it is! But no, I'm _not_ breaking up with you! I could never break up with you…not after all we've been through…" He sighed and rubbed his cheeks against hers, and then gave her an instinctive—and affectionate—rough lick on her temple, just to reassure her.

"Then…then what's wrong, Furrycoat? What are you trying to say?"

He released her, and turned away again. "Well, _technically_ , nothing's wrong. But like I said, something…something _huge_ has been building up, and I've tried to hold it back for as long as I could, but after tonight…I…I've realised that I have nothing left within me to keep holding it back."

"But…what has been building up? I don't understand."

"M…Mary…after tonight, our time here at the Loo will come to an end, and I know that we'll still continue our relationship as best as we can, but whatever offers we may get…I…I don't think that we—that _I'll_ be able to…to handle it…if we're apart for prolonged periods of time…"

"Why not? We've been through worse, Furrycoat, and that includes time travel!"

"Mary…dearest Mary," he rubbed his face in frustration, flattening his ears even more and twitching his tail, "what I'm trying to say is…that…I know that _I_ won't be able to handle being apart from you for long. And…and…" He clenched his fists and trembled, seemingly unable to handle the emotion that was about to overpower him.

"J.A.M., you're one of the strongest toons I've ever known. Whatever happens, we'll be able to handle it. We've both been through Hell, literally, so it's unlikely that—"

"Mary," he interrupted once more. "I…know there will be obstacles in the future. There are plenty of obstacles now. We are barely out of school…we've barely finished our first film…we're technically still a pair of unknowns…we have no jobs…we have no idea what the future has in store for us, not after your time travel debacle, but…"

He turned around, and padded closer to her.

"But…I don't care. I no longer care what the future…or the universe…throws at us…much less that Elmyra look-alike, wherever—or _when_ ever—she may be now. I don't care what our present situation may be…I don't care what our final grade is…I don't care if we remain friends with Calamity, Beeper, Lightning, Sneezer, Sweetie, Fifi, Banjo, Furrball, Arnold, Concord, Wally, Rhubella, Ron, Hillary, Werekitty, or anytoon else…I don't care if we both end up running a junkyard, even though that was a very silly childhood dream of mine. What I care…what I can _only_ care about now…because _that_ is what has been building up all this time…and I can't hold it back anymore…so even though neither of us have jobs…Mary…Mary…"

He took a deep breath, and reached behind him.

"What I care about now…is…us…being together…and remaining together…through thick and thin…helping each other…fighting for each other…rescuing each other…loving each other…forever…"

Suddenly, Mary realised what he was getting at.

She almost staggered back when he brandished an item from behind his back.

And he raised his ears and went down on one knee.

He looked up at her; his orange eyes reflecting whatever light was reaching them, but this time, his glowing eyes now conveyed the most tender and loving light that she had ever seen.

He extended toward her a small velvet box.

He opened it.

"Miriam Keren-Happuch Melody, of the House of Little Red Jivin' Hood and of The House of Coal Black, Queen of Cameos extraordinaire, will you do me the greatest honour…" he took a deep breath, "…of being my wif—"

[WARPUNWARP!]

The next thing the jaguar knew was that he was flat on his back, with a _very_ happy humanmaid on top of him, currently kissing the daylights out of him.

And she kissed him…

And kissed him…

 _And kissed him…_

Finally, she couldn't hold her breath anymore, so she broke the kiss with a wet "pop" and cried, "YES! YES! A THOUSAND TIMES, YES! Oh, thank you, Furrycoat, thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!"

The tears that were about to fall because she thought he was going to break up with her now flowed freely, with the only adjustment being that they were now tears of happiness, and the jaguar decided to join her in that emotional response.

She looked into his eyes again, and whispered, "I don't know what the future has in store for us either. I don't know when or where we may find jobs, _if_ we find them anytime soon…but _this_ is one certainty I'll be holding on to forever. And the actual wedding may be a year from now or even longer, Furrycoat…but now…now I know that it will be us…and only us…now…and then…and forever…"

She didn't kiss him again; she just laid her head on his chest, which now rumbled with a very deep purr on his part.

The romantic scene would have continued indefinitely, but unfortunately, cheers exploded from nearby bushes. The couple didn't make any attempt to stand, or even separate, because they recognised the voices of their fellow "bit players". Though it was dark, they emerged from hiding, cheering and clapping, and a few were holding video cameras, obviously fitted with night vision, courtesy of Calamity.

Fifi, Rhubella, Sweetie, and Werekitty were openly weeping, while Wally, Sneezer, Calamity, Beeper, Lightning, Banjo, Concord, and Arnold were openly trying not to.

"See? Ah told yew this was whut he had planned!" drawled Banjo.

"I guess I can't pull anything past you guys," chuckled the jaguar, "but thanks for recording this for posterity. It was the one thing I was going to truly regret about proposing in the middle of the night."

The toons laughed for a moment, but then Lightning asked, "So…arre yoo two goeeng to estand opp, or do yoo want to pooll a privacee currtain?"

"Very funny, rodent," snarled Mary, slowly standing. "Remind me to _not_ invite you to the wedding…whenever or wherever it may be."

Though as soon as she stood, she was suddenly glomped by Fifi, while Sweetie managed to hug her right cheek. "Zees ees wonderful, Maree! Ah have…'ow yoo say…nevair been so happy for _vous_!"

"Yeah, this is the HAPPIEST—sniff—moment of MY LIFE!" chirped the pink bird.

Meanwhile, the males were giving the panther hearty pats on the back as soon as he stood, congratulating him on his engagement…and arguing who was going to be best toon.

"Um…guys, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it," he said. "Right now, I just want to know something." He turned to his fiancée, and asked, "Mary, did you just… _warp_ …right now?"

Here, everytoon hushed and stood perfectly still.

The African-American blinked, and after a few moments, replied, "Um…I…I guess I did…I think…I'll have to check the video footage you got, Cal."

"But…I thought _I_ was the only one of us who knew how to do that! And I certainly don't remember ever teaching you how, especially when you don't exactly have the legs for it…with you being a human and everything…so how on earth were you able to warp?"

The humanmaid thought for a moment, and then smiled, "Well, Furrycoat, I guess that from all the times I saw your warping and unwarping up close, and with me being a trained observer…well…let's just say that _education works wonders_."

Everytoon stood still at that, but moments later they all laughed again, congratulating the newly engaged couple, who decided to give each other their first kiss precisely as an engaged couple.

Or second, depending on who was counting.


	16. Epilogue – Acquaintances

**EPILOGUE – ACQUAINTANCES**

 _One week later…_

"Foist thing's foist," said Bugs Bunny. "Congratulations on your engagement. I t'ink it's a bit rushed, but hey, you two are old enough ta know what you're doin'."

The engaged couple was now sitting in Bugs Bunny's office in the Looniversity. They had already received their final grades (they passed with honours) and their diplomas.

"We understand your concern, Professor Bunny," said The J.A.M. "We are quite well aware of our current situation, but we haven't set a date just yet. I know we have many hurdles to jump through, but—"

"Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. But dat's not da reason why I called you here. Are you familah with da comedy series 'Acquaintances'?"

The humanmaid and the jaguar looked at each other, and it was she who replied, "Yes, it's a Warner Brothers sitcom. The final episode aired last spring, right?"

"Dat's right, Mary. Da Warner Brodders are now woikin' on da release of da series on DVD, and with any home video release, it will include plenty of additional features."

"I hope they include bloopers," quipped the feline.

"Oh, dey will. That's why I called you here. It seems dat some of da production team, including one of da producers, two of da directors, and a writer or two, are cartoon fans. Dey all had da idea of doing a 'gag' episode, da obligatory 'da-whole-episode-is-a-dream-sequence' gig, but da network nevah liked da stories dey gave dem. Now, with da series officially over, da production team can go ahead and add dat one more gag episode because it won't air on TV; it will only be on DVD. And dat's where you two come in."

The panther lowered his ears and blinked. "Us? They want us to help set up the gag episode? They need technical consultants?"

"Or they need help writing it?" asked his fiancée.

Bugs smiled. He leaned closer, and explained, "Even bettah. You see, da dream sequence will take place in da original set of da two apartments, ta keep t'ings simple…but da fantasy part will be dat it will include…toons."

The engaged couple sat back on their seats.

 _On camera, on the same set with six world-famous actors, who in their last season of that series made one million dollars per episode, EACH?_

"Waittaminute," The feline blinked again and shook himself a bit to push back the shock. "They're not asking _us_ to be in that episode, are they? If they're going to do a dream-sequence episode with toons acting alongside them…shouldn't they be asking…well… _you_ , Professor Bugs, to be in that episode? Or at most, any of the Looniversity faculty?"

"That's right," added the humanmaid, also becoming aware of what was involved. "Or even more, why didn't they _first_ ask Buster and Babs, or any of the other 'stars' of Tiny Toon Adventures, to be in a huge project like this?"

The principal leaned back, twitching his nose. "Dat's just da t'ing, Mary. Right now, da entire faculty is preparin' ta work in a _huge_ movie production, and just between us, dat movie will be called _Looney Toons, Back in Action_ , but dat info don't leave dis room for now, okay?"

"O…kay," they both replied, stunned that they were now getting Official Hollywood Insider Info™.

"So between dat, and runnin' dis school, none of da faculty will have time ta appear in an obscure episode dat will only be released on home video…and it's also against our contracts. If da episode had been set ta foist air on TV, dey would have picked Daffy an' me hands down. Da rest of da Tiny Toons toined down da offer because dey are also preparing ta appear in our movie…well, we don't know if dey will have a part yet, but dey don't wanna get caught wit' not havin' time to be in da movie because dey are doin' an obscure episode. Besides, da fact that da episode won't air on TV is da main reason why dey toined down da offer."

Realizing that this "big break" _was anything BUT_ , the African-American fell back on her chair, crossed her arms, and huffed. "Typical. So we're _way_ down on the list of available toons to appear in what may turn out to be a 'lost' episode of a sit-com that's already off the air."

Bugs countered, "Now, Mary, don't get your hair up in a knot. You will still be woikin' with six world-famous actors, you _will_ be credited, and even dough dis episode will just be a side-project for deir production team, it _will_ look good in your filmographies. You also won't be 'bit players' dere or just doin' cameos, you _will_ be credited as 'guest stars', so for you, it will be a step up."

"And Buster and Babs and Plucky and Shirley and all the rest turned it down because it would have been a 'step down' for them," she grumbled. "Because they'll all be too busy doing a feature length movie."

At that, the onça raised his ears and held her hand, "Now, Panterita, not any toon can say that they worked in a world-famous sit-com, even if the episode is just part of the 'additional features' of the DVD release."

"Dat's right, J.A.M. It also helps dat you two ain't exactly famous right now because dat way da writers have a bit more freedom in writin' da episode, and dey don't have to write it around me or Daffy or your fellow students."

"Panterita" rubbed her head a bit. Sure, it was a nice offer, but given the circumstances under which it was given to them, it was like her getting a very nice bicycle for Christmas, while everytoon else got BMW's.

"We don't have much to lose, you know," added the feline. "We'll obviously get paid, we won't have trouble asking the cast for their autographs, and hopefully we can work things out so we'll get royalties and residuals, and as Principal Bugs said, we'll have work experience under our belts. Sure, it's not exactly what we've dreamed about…but…it _is_ something immediate, with immediate pay. It's…a good place to start, I suppose."

Mary looked at her fiancé for a moment, and thought about the whole situation.

Finally, she turned to Bugs and replied, "Okay, I'm in. Where do we have to go?"

* * *

Despite the series taking place in New York, the filming was done in Los Angeles, so Mary and The J.A.M. didn't have to travel across the country.

In the studio's office building, they first met the producers and writers, working out their brief contract, and yes, they managed to get residuals and royalties from the DVD, or "token" royalties, as Mary called them, because of how small they were.

Then they met the actors, which was quite an experience in and of itself. Other than the Looniversity faculty, neither the African-American nor the Mexican had ever encountered a world-famous actor, _much less_ _six of them simultaneously_. Naturally, they tried to maintain a professional attitude, but the actors could very much tell that the two guest stars were _very_ giddy and so they mercifully gave them their autographs before they exploded.

Later, they were handed their scripts for the gag episode, and after going over it, the six actors, the two guest stars, the writers, the directors, and the producers gathered in a meeting room, sat around a table, and read their lines out loud to see how the episode would run. Naturally, the actors gave a few suggestions, and the script was modified accordingly. Mary and The J.A.M., however, didn't dare suggest any changes; after all, the story was being written around one character's imagination, not the guest stars.

Once everything was hammered out, everyone went to the set of the two apartments. There they rehearsed the whole episode, without a studio audience, of course, and first with their scripts. Once they had memorised their lines, they went through the episode without their scripts, save for a teleprompter or two, in order to help out the "amateurs".

Mary had no problems with her lines; she had seen a few episodes and more or less knew who the characters were and how they behaved, but her fiancé, unfortunately, had only managed to watch—off and on—five episodes, at most.

And that was clearly evident when he addressed the characters. Despite all of them looking completely different from one another, he kept mixing up their names.

"Hey, wait, I have an idea!" said the female toon, after the rehearsal stopped for the fifth time due to confusion on the onça's part. "J.A.M., this is what we'll do. On the two apartments there are pictures of all six of the 'Acquaintances'," she walked to a table, grabbed the item in question, and pulled out a pen. "I'll write down their names next to their faces, so if you get confused again, all you have to do is glance at the pictures, and you won't get lost again, okay?"

The panther lowered his ears, flopped on the main apartment's long couch, and grumbled, "I feel like Billy Bob The Stableboy at this point…"

The other actors looked at each other, and seeing their confusion, the African-American added, "Inside joke, guys," and they all nodded and continued rehearsing.

After the rehearsal was over, one of the actresses—a certain straight-haired blonde one—casually walked up to one of the directors and quietly gave him an idea…

* * *

Then came the day that Mary and The J.A.M. greatly anticipated— _and_ _dreaded: the taping before a live studio audience._

This particular audience was slightly different from what the actors were used to. Instead of a random group of people selected to see the episode and laugh, gasp, holler, and clap in the "right" moments, the audience was mostly composed of the crew's and cast's family and friends, since this was the "pet project" of the production team. That included Mary's parents—her mother looked _a lot_ like Little Red Jivin' Hood—who were stealthily "chaperoning" their daughter, given that the series was known for its adult situations.

What was also different from this taping was that it didn't include a Warm-Up Comedian. Taping a 22-minute episode generally took two hours or more, given the wardrobe changes, set changes, and retakes, so a comedian was needed to keep the audience entertained and in a humorous mood during the long pauses. No WUC was needed today, again because the family and friends of the cast and crew already knew how the taping worked, and because there would be no major wardrobe changes, and only the two apartment sets were going to be used, so no one was expecting any major gaps.

After all, everyone there was a _professional_ …

The episode more or less began normally: "Chandler" fell asleep on "Monica's" couch while "Joey" was watching cartoons with "Chandler's" and "Monica's" adopted twin baby boys. "Joey" then "woke up" "Chandler", who saw, much to his surprise, that his "acquaintance" had a packed black suitcase next to him.

When he asked where he thought he was going, "Joey" explained, "What's to explain, Chandler? You and Monica are moving to the suburbs with your kids, Rachel is off to Paris, Phoebe has a new life with Mike, and Ross…" he trailed off, making the audience laugh, "…I don't wanna be all alone with Ross," he said with definite fear, and the audience laughed louder.

"So you're leaving, too?"

"Yup."

"But where? Don't tell me you finally landed an acting job in Hollywood…" he said off-hand, but "Joey's" silence and nervous squirming made the audience gasp in realisation. Looking at his "acquaintance", and also realising the truth, "Chandler" asked, "Joey…you're moving to Hollywood?"

"Joey" sat down and replied quite excitedly, "YES! You won't believe the offer I got! It's just to get my proverbial foot in the proverbial door," the audience laughed again, "but I finally got an acting gig, and it's not proverbial at all!" Slight laughter.

"You're not going to be a non-proverbial bit-player, are you?" Slight laughter again.

"No! Even better! Chandler, get this!" He paused, and declared, "I'm going to be a cartoon!"

"Chandler" just looked stoically at him, triggering another round of laughter.

Finally, he decided to be happy for his "acquaintance", and replied, "Well, that's a lot better than what I expected." More laughter.

"I know, isn't it?" asked "Joey", bouncing on the couch.

"I also find it quite surprising, since I haven't heard you talk in any way other than your normal voice, or when you try to sound 'suave' or 'manly'," he said with air quotes, bringing more laughter. "How did you even get picked for a voiceover? I mean…what 'voice' will you be making for a cartoon character?"

The "amateur actor" placed his hand on his "acquaintance's" shoulder, and explained, "Oh, no, no, no, no, Chandler, you misheard me. I'm not going to be doing voiceovers."

"Joey, you just told me you were going to be a voice actor in a cartoon—"

"No, Chandler," he interrupted, "I'm not going to be a voice actor in a cartoon, either."

"Then how are you going to be working in cartoons?"

"Joey" smiled, paused (making the audience laugh with his cheesy smile), and explained further, "Chandler, I'm going to _be_ a cartoon!" He extended his hands, proud of having explained himself so clearly to his "acquaintance", and making the audience laugh again.

"Chandler", of course, just looked stoically at him once more, and waited for the audience to stop laughing.

"You're going to be one of those creepy guys in full-body costumes in a theme park?" And the audience laughed again.

"NO! Focus, Chandler, focus!" Slight laughter. "Joey" leaned closer, "I am going to be working _inside_ a cartoon! No, I'm not going to be drawing, colouring, directing, or just providing a voice, I'm actually going to be a real, live, 100 percent animated character, inside a real live cartoon set!"

Once more, "Chandler" stoically looked at him, prompting yet another bout of laughter from the audience.

"Joey, let me get this straight: the job you were offered is going to be you, working in a place similar to Toontown, from _Who Framed Roger Rabbit_?"

"YES! Isn't it awesome?"

Stoic stare.

And the audience laughed again.

"Joey, either you've been conned, duped, and swindled by whoever sold you this idea—and, I might add, that's _not_ something far-fetched—" pause for laughter, "—or you've officially gone crazy, insane, and—pardon the term— _Looney Tune_."

Pause for long laughter.

The "amateur actor" wagged a mischievous finger at his "acquaintance", and countered, "Ah, I knew you were going to say something like that. But no," he said more seriously. "At first, I didn't believe anything that my agent was telling me, either, but then he actually _showed_ me the places and characters I'm going to be working with!"

"Wait, _working_ with? You mean to tell me that your agent actually showed you a real, live, fully animated cartoon, not on the television screen, but _right in front of you_?"

"Joey" leaned back on the couch, cradling his head with his hands, "Not only that, my dear acquaintance, but he's actually sending me not one, but _two_ personal consultants and trainers! And these guys are cartoon characters as well! In fact, they'll be here any moment to help me pack and train me in working with other cartoon characters! If I hadn't seen it myself, I wouldn't have believed it, but Chandler, this is the real thing!"

His "acquaintance" looked stoically at him, again, and replied, "Joey, I truly hope you haven't been smoking or drinking anything, but what you're saying is just too far-fetched—"

The doorbell rang.

"That should be them right there," smiled "Joey", and he sprang up and ran to open the door.

"Chandler" turned in order to see who was calling. He expected two normal people in full-body costumes, but when he saw who was at the door, he jumped up, frightened like never before, and stood defensively in front of his adopted twins.

The audience, meanwhile, gasped when they saw two actual, real, live, animated characters standing at the door, one of which was an actual anthropomorphic jaguar.

Mary and The J.A.M. stood there, smiling at "Joey", and waited for the audience to calm down. The humanmaid was wearing her purple t-shirt and dark blue shorts, and had her roller blades once more, while the panther had his oversize black t-shirt, but without anything printed on it. He wasn't pantless, however, but was clad in black shorts.

 _Though behind their rehearsed smiles, they couldn't help but feel slightly disappointed because the audience's reception was barely a polite applause at best._

"Come in, guys!" exclaimed "Joey", quite giddy. The two toons entered, and he introduced them, "Chandler, these are my two personal trainers and consultants: Mary Melody, and The J.A.M."

"Chandler's" mouth fell open, and the audience laughed again.

"Pleased to meet you," said the African-American as the two nodded at him.

The "stoic one", of course, just stood there, incredulous at the sight of two actual toons—right out from the television, it seemed.

Since he wasn't saying anything, the "amateur actor" turned to his guests and said, "You know, saying your names out loud made me realise something."

"What?" asked the female toon.

"Well, I finally got _your_ name. 'Mary Melody' is, of course, from 'Merrie Melodies'," the audience snickered as he turned to the jaguar. "But I still don't get what _your_ name is supposed to mean. I mean, do you do musical jams, or do you make jelly?"

"Neither," he replied, making "Chandler" stiffen even more because he saw that this toon jaguar actually _talked_. "It's just my way of keeping my real unpronounceable name— _pronounceable_."

"Joey" raised an eyebrow. "Really? You mean there's an obscure language among felines…or leopards, in your case—"

"Jaguars."

"Jaguars, sorry…" the audience snickered again, "…and that language is really difficult to speak unless you're a feline, and because it has been hidden from civilization since the dawn of time it resembles no human language at all?" The panther was about to explain, but "Joey" suddenly asked, "What's the name of the language?"

"Spanish," replied The J.A.M. with a straight face and without missing a beat, making the "amateur actor" stand back, annoyed. And while the feline remained expressionless, inside he was whooping for joy because he had made the audience laugh, at long last…

* * *

The episode flowed more or less smoothly. "Chandler" couldn't get over his shock at seeing live toons in front of him, and he refused to step away from the twins whenever the jaguar was in the same room. Then the other characters arrived: "Monica" came back from the suburbs and was about to resume packing before she saw the toons, and she, too, stood defensively between the twins and the feline. "Phoebe", "Rachel", and "Ross" showed up and they were going to help "Joey" pack. Naturally, they, too, were shocked at seeing live cartoon characters in front of them, and "Phoebe" almost broke down in tears because she thought she was having a flashback of an acid trip, from her drug addict days. Thankfully, a few comforting words from Mary helped her recover.

Eventually, everyone accepted the toons' existence, though they were curious as to where they came from and where they actually lived. That information was reserved for "Joey", of course, but The J.A.M. mentioned that Toontown had been a real place before freeway construction really _did_ force everyone—every _toon_ —he emphasised, to move to another area in Southern California.

 _And no, it wasn't Anaheim._

After getting over the shock of seeing real live toons, "Joey's" "acquaintances" began assisting him in packing in the other apartment, seeing what would be thrown away, what would be sent into storage, and what would go into the suitcases.

As they did, the toons stayed close to the "amateur actor", explaining to him what he would have to expect in working with toons, like getting stretched, squished, doing wild takes, bombs exploding in his face, and even falling off cliffs. They also mentioned the need for discretion; after all, the toons of today weren't as open with "real" people as they were back in Toontown's day…

* * *

It was now "lunchtime". "Phoebe", "Ross", and "Joey" sat down to eat in his apartment, and asked Mary and The J.A.M. to see if "Chandler" and "Monica" would like to eat with them, or if they would still be with the twins in the other apartment. "Rachel" was there too, also helping with the twins and packing what remained of her stuff.

The toons crossed the hall and entered the "married couple's" apartment again. The "parents" couldn't help but stiffen one more time and stand between them and the babies, despite the two toons behaving like normal people.

"You know," said the panther, holding his paws in front of him, "you're not the first people who react that way toward me. And it's understandable, with you being parents and everything, but you can rest assured that any meat I eat comes strictly from certified supermarkets…except that grocer around the corner. _Stay away from him._ He has the worst cuts on the market and his 'freezer' is everything _but_."

Pause for laughter.

"And speaking about eating," said Mary, skating between the jaguar and the "parents", "Joey asks if you want to eat with them, or will you be eating here and taking care of your babies? I know you all are very busy here, but it _is_ Joey's last day in that apartment before he moves to Los Angeles."

"Chandler" thought for a moment, and replied, "We'll be over there in a moment. But, if you don't mind me asking," he stepped closer to the toons, "what do _you_ two eat? Do you eat regular food, like us? I mean, real _human_ food, or…do you have to eat…um…'cartoon food'?"

The female toon waited for the audience to stop laughing, and explained, "We can eat both, Mr. Bing. We wouldn't be able to survive here otherwise."

That seemed to relax the "father", so he sighed, "Um…please… call me 'Chandler'…and…forgive me for being an insensitive jerk. It's just that there are…well…'people' toons, like you, Mary, and 'animal' toons, like, say, that wild black panther I saw in a Pepe Le Pew cartoon this morning," the audience chuckled, "and then there are 'people-animal' toons like you, Mr. J.A.M.…and I couldn't figure out which of the last two you were."

The "people-animal" toon perked his ears and replied, "Like I said, Chandler, you're not the first to react that way. And just so you know, I'm actually glad you _did_ react that way. You're behaving like a _true_ parent, ready to protect your kids from danger, or anything that may be unknown to you. If I should ever have any cubs of my own, I can only hope to be as protective of them as you."

The audience "aww'ed".

"Chandler" was about to speak, but the jaguar interrupted, "Yes, I know, being a 'fierce jungle animal', you'd think that I would be more aggressive than a human in defending my family and territory. But believe me, we jaguars know that humans are the apex predators on this planet, and we've seen human parents defend their children with a ferocity that even _tigers_ wish they had."

"Monica" commented in awe, "Wow, we never realised that."

The onça continued, "Believe me, even Mary here can get more aggressive than me. And while maternal instinct can turn mothers into raging protectors, I'm sure that if it came to that—God forbid—Chandler could become even more aggressive than…"

The rest of the line was "…Phoebe," referring to "Phoebe's" time in prison, which had hardened her considerably.

Much to The J.A.M.'s fright, however, his annoying inability to remember names when he needed to manifested at this point in time.

 _He couldn't remember the name of the woman in the other apartment!_

 _And he HAD to say her name because that was the setup for the next line, which was "Rachel's"!_

Those thought processes happened in less than one-tenth of a second. Surreptitiously, he glanced at the picture on the wall to read the character's name, but when he did, his blood pooled to his footpaws.

 _THE PICTURE WAS GONE!_

In a desperate attempt to save the take, he made another quick glance, this time to the coffee table, _but the pictures there were gone as well!_

He glanced at the teleprompters, _but his line had already been replaced by the next one, and it didn't have the name he needed to say!_

Mary, too, caught on to what was happening, and while she didn't break character or let her face show it, she, too, was filled with terror when she realised that her plan had gone to pieces.

 _The take was ruined._

Suddenly, the jaguar's feline hearing detected "Phoebe" chuckling quietly in "Joey's" apartment.

Furious, The J.A.M. bristled, bared his teeth, flattened his ears, swished his tail, and stomped across the hall while the audience laughed.

 _Oddly enough, the directors didn't say "cut"…_

The cameras, meanwhile, scrambled to keep the panther in frame.

The others in "Joey's" apartment were startled and straightened up in their chairs when the fierce jaguar burst into the apartment and pointed an extended claw at "Phoebe" and growled, "YOU! It was YOU! You deliberately removed those pictures precisely so that I wouldn't remember your names, right?!"

And the audience kept laughing.

"I may have completely forgotten your name, but the moment I remember, you're going to regret having messed with me!"

"Ross", "Joey", and "Phoebe" just smiled and very professionally held back their laughter as the onça stormed off.

The "people-animal" toon stomped back into the main apartment, where "Monica", "Rachel", and "Chandler" were waiting, sitting on the sofa with the twins, and also very professionally holding back a barrage of guffaws that was waiting to explode at any moment.

 _And the audience kept laughing._

Mary, meanwhile, was standing between the kitchen and the living room, just covering her eyes and breathing deeply, also holding back her laughter.

The audience wasn't helping much in that regard, though.

Once he slammed the door shut, the feline looked at everyone, and then snorted in frustration, again triggering another blast of laughter from the audience.

 _Geez, these Angelinos will laugh at anything. And why hasn't anyone yelled "CUT" already?_

He huffed at his girlfriend and the "acquaintances", still portraying frustration, but inwardly trying desperately to remember the next line.

 _Whose line was it, anyway?_

He looked around the living room, just barely glancing at the directors, who were sitting between both cameras, and again, both were twirling their hands, that is, giving everyone the signal to continue as best they could. The J.A.M. had completely forgotten the script at this point, so he had no idea how to proceed, and he was desperately waiting for Mary or the other actors to pick up the action where he left off, right before he exploded in frustration at having forgotten "Phoebe's" name. They needed to hurry; otherwise the audience was going to lose interest in the whole scene, which could ruin _the whole episode_.

So he just kept huffing and snorting.

 _And the audience kept laughing._

And Mary and the other actors were still trying to hold back their own laughter.

 _And the audience kept laughing._

And the directors still signalled him to continue.

They signalled _him_. Not the other actors, not even Mary, just _him_.

 _They weren't actually thinking of USING this take, were they?_

He almost stiffened when he heard Mary swallow a miniscule chuckle. If he didn't hurry, she was going to explode, and if the directors were to cut the scene right now, everyone would explode and it would take an hour at most for them to stop laughing. He had to turn away before he himself started laughing; in fact, he felt his stomach and chest bubbling up _very_ strongly. He snorted and sighed loudly, again triggering an explosion from the audience, just when they were beginning to quiet down.

He turned, facing the window, and the "Manhattan in the Daytime" backdrop behind it, that is, the "nearby" apartment buildings.

 _It was right here when he recalled one particular running gag of this series._

And he decided to do something about it, something that—he wondered—none of the "acquaintances" ever thought of doing, unless, of course, they liked the view.

First, he relaxed his features, did a double take at the window, and squinted, as if focusing on something in the distance.

And he calmly walked closer to the window.

Then, with his back fully turned to the audience, he suddenly bristled, flattened his ears, and made his swishing tail puff up like a bottlebrush. The lessons in their last film were now put to good use as he "acted" with his back and tail.

And the audience exploded again, knowing perfectly well what he was looking at.

And they exploded even louder when he slowly turned, with a look of the utmost disgust on his face that he could conjure.

He shivered with incredible repulsion.

 _And the audience exploded again._

Carefully, as if he were trying to avoid vomiting, he walked to closest edge of the window and slowly began closing the curtain.

 _And the audience exploded again._

Not to be outdone in their own show, the "acquaintances" just looked at him, slowly turned to each other, and gave each other looks that communicated that he had just seen what they knew he saw.

 _And the audience exploded again._

Mary, meanwhile, was wondering what the audience was laughing about, so she looked up and saw her boyfriend closing the curtain. She walked closer, but right there, the jaguar gently held her shoulders, turned her away from the window, and continued closing the curtain.

 _And the audience exploded again._

"J.A.M.," she gurgled, trying not to laugh and turning around, but once more, the jaguar physically turned her away from the window, and continued closing the curtain.

 _And the audience exploded again._

She quickly caught on to his improvised plan. Slightly more "frustrated" now, she turned, "J—" but once more her boyfriend turned her away from the window, and continued closing the curtain.

 _And the audience exploded again._

"Angry" this time, she only turned her head, but soft heavy paws held her temples and gently turned her head back around, and made sure her body was also fully turned.

 _And the audience exploded again._

Now that the curtain was fully closed, the jaguar faced the living room, and shivered with "disgust" a second time.

 _And the audience exploded again._

He grabbed Mary's hand and quickly pulled her away from the window and led her to the couches, as if he was pulling her away from some horrible danger.

 _And the audience exploded again._

The two sat in front of the other humans, and carefully breathed deeply, again to hold back their laughter. They had to wait a bit for the audience to quiet down, but even then the directors refused to cut the scene. They all stared at the coffee table for a while, letting the audience expend itself, knowing that if they even dared to look at anyone else in the eye, they would lose control and explode with laughter.

Finally, when he was sure that he wouldn't laugh if he opened his mouth, he turned to "Chandler", and asked while trying not to stutter, "Um…"

 _And the audience exploded again._

He had to wait another thirty seconds before continuing, "…does…that happen often?" gesturing toward the window. He was lucky his voice didn't crack.

 _And the audience exploded again._

"Chandler" looked at him, waiting once more for the audience to quiet down, pushing back his own laughter, and very professionally, just blinked, stared stoically at him, and nodded with "resignation", as did his "acquaintances".

 _And the audience exploded again._

The jaguar moved his paw as if he were trying to find the words to say, and then asked, "Have…have…any of you…ever…filed a complaint or something? Or…"

 _And the audience exploded again._

He thought while the audience laughed, and then added, "…just…politely ask _him_ to close his curtains?"

 _And the audience exploded again._

"Monica" replied, "Sadly, he has a vitamin D deficiency."

The jaguar "oh'ed" silently and nodded in "understanding".

 _And the audience exploded again._

Mary, meanwhile, just glared at her boyfriend, and after the audience settled, she blurted, "What?!" naturally following along her "ignorance" of what he had not allowed her to see.

 _And the audience exploded again._

The jaguar turned to her, breathed deeply, and replied, "Mary, I know you've been having problems with nightmares as of late…so…let's just say that I don't want you to see anything that would add to that burden."

Mary "oh'ed" silently and nodded in "understanding".

 _And the audience exploded again._

"CUT!"

Finally, the directors had mercy on the actors, and there, both directors, the cameramen, all the crew, all of the human actors, Mary, and The J.A.M., fell on the floor, rolling with laughter.

 _And the audience exploded again…_

* * *

 _At Miss Kudrow's suggestion, that improvised scene_ was _used in the episode, as well as a slew of others that spawned off it—a few were inspired by the guest stars, but the majority were ideas from the main cast—turning the obscure 22-minute episode into a two-hour special._

 _That episode of "Acquaintances", even though it was an exclusive home video release, became the most popular of the entire series. Some media analysts say that if it had aired, it would have been the episode with the highest rating in the history of television._

 _The new type of comedy that was developed that day: The Improvised Situation Comedy, or improv-sit-com, or ISC, took television, movies, theatre, and the internet by storm, blasting the ratings ceiling even far beyond the now extinct "reality shows"._

 _By making actors come up with their lines on the fly, with just a skeleton outline and script of the entire episode, production companies were able to separate the_ true _comedians from the "celebrities"._

 _The ISC spawned the Improvised Drama, which again helped producers glean the_ true _drama actors and actresses from the "celebrities"._

 _Even animated series and movies adapted quickly to the improvised style. The toons' and actors' talents blossomed now that they could improvise and ad-lib to their heart's content._

 _However, some entertainment historians argued that the improvisation method wasn't exactly a new invention, but more of a return to the "original" form of film production that had been first attempted by none other than Charlie Chaplin nearly one hundred years before._

 _While historians debated, the show went on._

 _One of the first ISC's that premiered that fall was one starring Mary Melody. It featured her as an American wildlife expert who lives in the jungles of Mexico, studying the local fauna._

 _Her nemesis is a lazy jaguar whose only goal in life is to get her to capture him and send him to a zoo, where he would be waited on paw and foot-paw, since he is an endangered species._

 _The jaguar's nemesis is a rare species of mouse that is capable of running at incredible speeds of up to 500 kilometres per hour. This hardworking mouse constantly berates the jaguar for being lazy._

 _Occasionally featured is a rare pink canary who lives in a symbiotic relationship with yet another species of mouse, one who can defend her nest by sneezing blasts of hurricane-speed wind at predators._

 _Mary's boss is a German-accented disembodied male voice on her satellite telephone who constantly calls her to check up on her work._

 _The title of the series is_ Mutual of Nebraska's Feral Monarchy _._

 _The series occasionally features crossovers from another ISC,_ Banjo's Old Wilderness _, which features an opossum and a blue cat trying to study a purple skunk, a grey coyote, and a red roadrunner in their natural habitats._

 _As for Buster, Babs, Plucky, Shirley, Max, and Elmyra, the "stars" of Tiny Toons Adventures…_

 _WHO DA BLEEP CARES?! This isn't their story!_

 _Mary Melody and The J.A.M. got married the winter after graduation._

 _In the fall and winter, they live in The J.A.M.'s territory in the Lacandona Jungle, in Chiapas, Mexico, where their series is filmed._

 _In the spring and summer, they live in The J.A.M. and Mary Melody's home in the forest of Acme Acres._

 _They now have two children. [fav me /d1dymdv]_

THE END / DAS ENDE / DIE EINDE / EINDE / EL FIN / O FIN / LE FIN / IL FINE / SFÂRŞIT / KONIEC / КОНЕЦ / BEIGAS / LOPPU / ΤΈΛΟΣ / סוף / TAMAT / LIAU LIAU / DANEH O' / 剧 终 / おわり / SLUTT / SLUT / UXUL / TLAMILIZTLI


	17. Credits and Bloopers

The Tiny Toons characters were created by Tom Ruegger, Glen Kennedy, Dave Marshall, Ken Boyer, and Rich Arons, I think.

Bugs Bunny was created by Tex Avery.

Gull-i-Bull was created by Chuck Jones.

The "Acquaintances" were created by David Crane and Marta Kauffman.

* * *

"…Only then…can you…belong…to me…"

 _"Christine" slowly opened her eyes to look at "The Phantom", who had fallen in love with her and was trying to make her feel the same way about him…_

 _…and she looked into the orange eyes of a spotted jaguar…_

And suddenly pounced on him, giggling, and proceeded to shower him with kisses.

"CUT! CUT, I SAY!"

* * *

The jaguar raised his ears and held her hand, "Hey, we all made this movie together, and we gave it our best. Sure, it was rushed, but we all know we did it right. And I doubt that…that…um…that pink rabbit—"

"Anais," said Fifi, rolling her eyes.

"Anais, yes, sorry, or Miss Loon, would have made a better leading actress…wait, 'Anais'?"

Everytoon exploded in guffaws, except for the jaguar, who only facepalmed, and said, "Cut…"

* * *

A purple and white female skunk, dressed in a full-length sparkling neon blue dress, held the dog's arm and stepped out…but stumbled on her dress, and would have done an unceremonious faceplant if Arnold hadn't caught her.

The reporter continued narrating, "And he's arriving with his new red-hot flame, that famous French bachelorette, Fifi LaFume! And it looks like she should be more careful with how long her formal dresses are; you can tell that she's not used to wearing clothes—!"

"CUT!"

* * *

"And she punches you on the jaw, Fifi!"

Sphinxy swung her left fist in an uppercut and "punched" Fifi square on the jaw, who expertly "recoiled" her head, staggered back into the bar…

…and fell back in front of it. She looked back at it, and commented, "Egads…Ah zeenk ze bar 'as been, 'ow you say, waxed, non?"

"CUT!"

* * *

However, once she was out of the sound stage, the coyote raised his hackles again, slammed his sign on the floor—a piece of which, bounced off and landed squarely on his beret— and brandished another one, "That's just great! We've lost more stunttoons on this movie than on any other! It's gonna take hours to get another one from central casting!" The director removed his beret and rubbed his face and head in frustration, knowing that more lost time meant the movie was soon going to be over-budget—

"Hey, Mr. Coyote, I can do that for you!" giggled Mary, removing the piece of wood from Calamity's beret.

"CUT!"

* * *

An F-117 Stealth fighter careened out of control and was falling out of the sky, leaving behind a trail of black smoke. But just before it slammed into a hill, a "CUT!" sign flashed on the screen, and the plane…

…slammed into the hill with a monumental explosion.

"CUT!"

Moments later, a very charred and soot-covered Rhubella Rat emerged, and she mumbled, "Um…I think the airbrakes failed…" before she collapsed into a pile of ash.

"MAKEUP!"

* * *

Not to be outdone, however, Banjo, now very enraged, brandished a remote control and pressed a button.

Moments later, the stuntgirl…

…was _almost_ flattened by a very large anvil, since it fell right behind her.

"CUT!"

"Um…can't we leave it like this?" asked Mary, a bit hesitant.

* * *

All characters are © Warner Brothers/Amblin Entertainment, and used without permission, but it's doubtful that they mind, EXCEPT FOR:

The "Acquaintances", which are © Warner Brothers Television

The J.A.M., who is © Himself.

Wally Wolf, Hillary Hyena, and Ronald Purr Smutt, who are © José Ramiro Acosta Pérez.

Club Panthera and the Club Panthera Chorus, and the cow and the horse, which are © The J.A.M.

Boris Chachka, who is © Paul Kellogg

Props by Acme Co.

Mary Melody's wardrobe was furnished by Oscar de la Renta.

Mary Melody's jungle print bikini was designed by José Ramiro Acosta Pérez.

The J.A.M.'s wardrobe was furnished by Yazbek and Casio.

The Acquaintances' wardrobe was designed by Julie Heath.

Original casting by Steven Spielberg and Barbara Miller.

* * *

 _Just then, the platoon leader emerged, pointing his rifle at her. "That was quite a show you put there, Negro," the "landowner" stiffened and glared at him, but there was no escape now. "Unfortunately, I have the only bullet left in this house. Don't worry, I ain't gonna kill you here and now. I need to capture you alive and bring you to General Lee himself to collect my reward. You've been quite a pain in the #### for the Confederacy for three years, but not even our jaguar director can make me remember the rest of this line."_

"CUT!"

"Um, can I get a cue card instead of a teleprompter? The screen is kinda hard to read with all the lights."

"Sigh, okay, Ron…"

* * *

"Yeah, when you've got glory, then you've got to take the little HEARTACHES that go with it. Now look at US!"

The actress looked at her friends.

"We've got no GLORY—"

"We've got no…um…no, we certainly don't have glory, nope-nope—"

"CUT!"

[take 2]

"Yeah, when you've got glory, then you've got to take the little HEARTACHES that go with it. Now look at US!"

The actress looked at her friends.

"We've got no GLORY—"

"We've got no fame, nope-nope—"

"We've got no…SHORT TERM MEMORY!"

"CUT!"

"Guys, are you _sure_ you can do this?" asked Mary.

[take 3]

"Yeah, when you've got glory, then you've got to take the little HEARTACHES that go with it. Now look at US!"

The actress looked at her friends.

"We've got no GLORY—"

"We've got no fame, nope-nope—"

"We've got no BIG MANSIONS—"

"We've got no…" Sneezer huffed, and snorted, "We've got no [CENSORED]!"

"CUT!"

* * *

Then she saw a white and blue LADOT hoverbus on the left of the truck, and using the open windows as footholds…

…she slipped and fell on the pavement.

When the smoke cleared, she was face down, with a tire tread print covering her back.

"CUT!"

"…makeup…" she groaned.

* * *

She then saw a dark blue Smart Fortwo hover convertible coming up on the opposite lane, so she braced herself, and with impeccable timing, jumped off the roof of the hoverbus and landed squarely…

…on top of the driver.

The car swerved, and crashed into a lamppost.

"…cut…" mumbled the jaguar from under Mary.

* * *

The J.A.M. raised an eyebrow and replied, "Oh, please, it's not as if it's an industrial secret. And it's not just that. The whole storytelling itself has gone down the toilet since the turn of the century. I mean, right now—and you should know this first hand—Hollywood is cranking out remake after remake, remakes _of_ remakes, movies of how movies were made, _remakes_ of how those movies were made, movies of _every single Shakespeare play_ placed in _every single time period known to man and toon_ —and their remakes—movies of every single television series in history—and their remakes, can't forget that…and I can't believe I'm still giving myself ridiculously long lines. Cut already…"

Mary just laughed at her boyfriend.

* * *

"Fear not, fair lad!

I will not seduce you!

I am but a humble jester. And you?

You are too far above me.

Farewell, 'Michael Caine'.

 _May you see things well done there—"_

"CUT!"

"What was wrong with that?"

"Um, Mary, Michel Caine is a great actor, but you meant to say 'Crawford'."

Mary facepalmed and cursed to herself.

* * *

Mary fumed as she saw him disappear into the night. Once the Hover Smart was out of sight, however, she spun in place…

…and she was now, oddly enough, in her leopard-print bikini.

"CUT!"

"It seems awful breezy out here…" she chuckled.

* * *

The jaguar didn't drive too far away, however. After turning two corners, he drove up to a closed gate, obviously a back door to a rather huge mansion, and stopped next to an intercom post set up on the sidewalk of the driveway. He leaned out his window and spoke to it, "Is this Lightning Rodriguez's house? I'm one of the guys of Club Panthera."

A few LED's of several colours flashed on the intercom…

…and that was it.

The jaguar blinked, and repeated, "Hello? I'm one of the guys of Club Panthera."

Still nothing.

"CUT! Acosta, wake up over there!"

Finally the speaker came to life, "Oops, sorry there, J.A.M."

"Geez…"

* * *

Before the actor could start coming on to her, Lightning intervened again. "And now dat yoo'rre herre, we can estarrt. Stop de myooseec!" Instantly, the stereo stopped blaring the dance remix, and all the dancing couples froze in mid-step, and in mid-air, in some cases. Moments later, they straightened up and turned toward their boss. Calamity and Lightning led the couple to the centre of the hall, and spoke, "Togederr again, my two leettle esstarrs: Banjo and Mery. Dey'rre rreally wonderrfool, aren't dey?" He gave a brief applause, and his guests followed his example, except for Calamity, who was still holding him. "Now, eef anytoon can help me remember my line, we can continue dees movie."

"CUT!"

And the entire cast laughed.

* * *

Voice direction by Andrea Romano.

Mary Heartless is Valari Bromfield

Mary Melody is Cree Summer Franks

Lightning Rodriguez is Luke Ruegger

Calamity Coyote is Himself

Little Beeper is Himself

Fifi LaFume is Kath Soucie

Sneezer is also Kath Soucie

Sweetie is Candi Milo

Banjo The Woodpile 'Possum is Rob Paulsen

Rhubella Rat is also Tress MacNeille

Bugs Bunny is Noel Blanc

Arnold Pitbull is also Rob Paulsen

Fowlmouth is also Rob Paulsen

Vinnie The Deer is Brian Stokes Mitchell

Sphinxy is Susan Blu

Ronald Purr Smutt is Frank Welker

Hillary Hyena is Melleny Brown

Ralph The Guard is also Frank Welker

The voice on the intercom is José Ramiro Acosta Pérez

Bettina Bunny is Tress MacNeille

The Puma is Edward James Olmos

The Siberian Tiger is James Earl Jones

Boris Chachka is Charles Adler

Byron Basset is also Frank Welker

The horse is Peter New

The cow is Andrea Libman

Duncan Duff is Whit Hertford

MacArthur Duff is Matt Frewer

Gogo Dodo is also Frank Welker

Winnie Pig is Edie McClurg

Colin (i.e., Randy Beaman's Pal) is Colin Wells

Emily Duff is Tress MacNeille

Banjo's brother is also Rob Paulsen

Bimbette Skunk is also Kath Soucie

Billy Mouse is also Tres MacNeille

Johnny Pew is also Rob Paulsen

Binky Bunny is also Tress MacNeille

Amanda Duff is Soleil-Moon Frye

Francis "Pip" Pumphandle is Ben Stein

Harriet Bunny is Janeane Garofalo

Wade Pig is Joe Alaskey

Concord Condor is also Rob Paulsen

and

The J.A.M. is Himself

Special appearances by:

José Ramiro Acosta Pérez as Wally Wolf

Jennifer Cleckley as Werekitty

Antonio Banderas as Gull-i-Bull

David Schwimmer as Ross

Courteney Cox as Monica

Jennifer Anniston as Rachel

Lisa Kudrow as Phoebe

Matt LeBlanc as Joey

and Matthew Perry as Chandler

* * *

The African-American couldn't believe what she was seeing. Hoping this was all a prank, she called out, "Mr. Rodriguez, that's your real self down there. We just saw Calamity put you there."

"Oh, no. I'm rright herre."

The humanmaid yelped and…

…whacked the mouse right to the wall.

"CUT!"

"Eek! Lightning, are you okay?" asked Mary, quite shocked at her own strength.

"Never better!" was the murid's muffled reply.

* * *

The _very_ large Siberian tiger, with perked ears and still with dollar bills sticking out of his speedos, sensually padded up to her and brushed his torso fur against her arm, making her shiver. "He grabbed his stuff and practically teleported out of here." His voice was _deep_. "Anything I can do for you?" he asked with bedroom eyes. "You could stay for a while longer; the strip show will start in five minutes, you know," he winked at her.

Realising what his intentions were…

…she suddenly hugged him. "Ooo…you're nice and fluffy, and firm, too," she smiled.

The tiger suddenly balked and tried to step away. "Hey, back off, lady! I have a wife and cubs!"

"CUT!"

And the entire cast laughed again.

* * *

The scantly-clad scavenger smiled and stood to greet him with a kiss. "You took long enough, dear," she growled playfully.

Before Ron could reply, he melted in a puddle of love-struck goo.

"CUT!"

Mary, Hillary, Sneezer, and Sweetie looked at the puddle. "Let me guess: he's never seen you wearing THAT," said Mary.

"Not right next to me, no."

[take 2]

The scantly-clad scavenger smiled and stood to greet him with a kiss. "You took long enough, dear," she growled playfully.

And he melted again.

"CUT!"

Mary looked at the puddle again, "I hope this doesn't become a problem later on."

Hillary growled, "Ron, what's the matter with you? Haven't you ever seen a hyenamaid in her native outfit?"

The puddle bubbled, "…but you look so hot…"

[take 3]

The scantly-clad scavenger smiled and stood to greet him with a kiss. "You took long enough, dear," she growled playfully.

And Ron melted once more.

"CUT! Ron, please don't make me re-write this scene…"

[take 4]

"Have fun, Mary," added Ron. "I hope we can do more movies together again, the last one was really fun!"

"It was, and thank you!"

"…aaand cut. Very good, Ron."

Hillary smirked, "Yeah, I'm glad we were able to find those tinted contact lenses just in time, too."

Ron carefully removed them. "I can't help it if I think you look…enticing…" he replied suavely.

The jaguar raised an eyebrow. "Do you need a privacy curtain, you two?"

* * *

 _"Make 'em LAUGH! Ah ha ha ha ha…!"_ And flew in to the one more backdrop on the right, which unfortunately was no backdrop, but an actual prop of a subway entrance. The two yelped and crashed down the stairs with a typical cartoon sound effect.

[KERSPLASH!]

"CUT! What happened here?"

The two tiny toons emerged, completely soaked. Sneezer explained, spitting some water, "Um…flooding, yup-yup…"

* * *

The "landowner" scratched his ear more insistently, "Oh? So you were jealous of a toon you had known for only five minutes? Well, believe me, 'lover boy', I don't like him half as much as I _hate_ you…you _road kill_ you…" she grumbled as she kissed his ear.

The "stableboy…

…couldn't hold it anymore, and he rolled on the floor, laughing.

"CUT!"

* * *

The "stableboy" shivered and tilted his head back, " _'Sticks an' stones may break my bones'_ , babe…"

She caressed his muzzle with her index finger, and turned it so they were looking at each other's eyes. "I'd like to break every…PA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA…!"

"CUT! Geez, you'd think these two have never seen the original movie…"

* * *

Both the cast and crew were startled to hear Lightning's squeaky voice resound throughout the set. They looked down and saw the business rodent run up to the coyote. As he ran up, everytoon greeted him, but he ignored them all; the look on his face showing that he was both very angry, and very worried.

Calamity picked him up…

…and almost dropped him. He juggled him for a bit, before the mouse finally clung to his paw. The coyote laughed and signed, "Hello, Mr. Rodriguez. This new movie is flowing very smoothly—"

"CUT!"

And everytoon laughed again.

* * *

As he left, everytoon turned to look at him, and suddenly froze when they saw his back.

…w _hen they TRULY saw his back._

 _And tail._

 _And rear end._

 _For REAL._

 _As if it was the FIRST TIME they had truly examined him, and his trademark movement._

His _waddle._

And his _nearly inert and unresponsive_ gluteus maximus.

Everytoon looked at each other.

 _Oh d—_

"Hey, Banjo, did you know you have a cute butt?"

"CUT! Who said that?!"

And everytoon laughed again.

* * *

Music directed by Steve Bernstein, Michael Skloff, Allee Willis, and John Van Tongren.

"The Music of the Night" is © 1984 Andrew Lloyd Webber. Lyrics by Charles Hart. Music by Andrew Lloyd Webber. Performed by The J.A.M. Used without permission.

"The Boys of The Chorus" is © 1950 Warner Brothers. Written by Carl Stalling and Milt Franklyn. Performed by Cree Summer Franks, Candi Milo, and Kath Soucie. Lyrics adapted by The J.A.M. Used without permission.

Mary's line from "The Phantom of the Opera" is © 1984 Andrew Lloyd Webber. Used without permission.

"Men in Tights" is © 1993 Columbia/Tri-Star. Lyrics by Mel Brooks. Music by Hummie Mann. Performed by Steve Lively, Randy Crenshaw, Kerry Katz, Geoff Koch, Rick Logan, and The J.A.M. Lyrics adapted by The J.A.M. Used without permission.

"Make 'Em Laugh" © 1952 Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer. Lyrics by Arthur Freed. Music by Nacio Herb Brown. Performed by Kath Soucie and Candi Milo. Lyrics adapted by The J.A.M. Used without permission.

The Theme of "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" is © 1990 NBC Productions/Quincy Joness-David Salzman Entertainment/The Stuffed Dog Company. Written and composed by Will Smith and Jeffrey A. Townes. Performed by Kath Soucie and Candi Milo. Used without permission.

"To Love Somebody" is © 1967 Atco/Polydor. Written by Robin and Barry Gibb. Lyrics adapted by The J.A.M. Country orchestration by The H.O.K.E.Y. Performed by Cree Summer Franks and The J.A.M. Used without permission.

"Slippin' On The Ice" is © 1993 Warner Brothers. Written by Randy Rogel. Additional lyrics by The J.A.M. Performed by Cree Summer Franks, Soleil-Moon Frye, Rob Paulsen, Luke Ruegger, and Candi Milo. Used without permission.

"Believe Me, If All Those Endearing Young Charms" is Public Domain. Written by Thomas Moore. Music arranged and orchestrated by Marty Gold. Performed by Rob Paulsen and Cree Summer Franks. (And before you ask, it was the song that was the basis for this classic gag: youtu be /h1rXcm2mbKI)

"Against All Odds (Take a Look at Me Now)" is © 1984 Atlantic Records. Written by Phil Collins. Performed by Cree Summer Franks and The J.A.M. Used without permission.

* * *

[LOADING…]

 _HOLLYWOOD TURNED UPSIDE-DOWN — PROFITS FOR NEW HOLOGRAPHIC MOVIES PROJECTED AT 300 PERCENT OR MORE — CEO'S ON CLOUD NINE WITH NEW HOLOGRAMS_

 _Profits predicted higher for video technology manufacturers — "It's insane! All of Taiwan and Japan and Silicon Valley put together can't crank out the equipment orders even when working 24/7!" says Intel CEO._

[LOADING…]

[…]

[…]

[…]

[…]

"J.A.M., I think the computer's frozen."

"Sigh…cut…"

* * *

Sweetie and Sneezer froze.

 _THIS was the jaguar from the party?_

The canarymaid turned to her boss and chirped, "Um…EXCUSE me, Mr. Rodriguez…I have to…take a leak. Be RIGHT—!"

"CUT! Sweetie, stop improvising!"

"Tee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee…"

* * *

The onça in question was still drying himself next to the diving boards, but at the dog's holler-bark, he did a double take, shrugged, placed the towel on his shoulder—

[WARPUNWARP!]

—and was suddenly next to the pit bull. Arnold yiped with a yelp that was so high-pitched a few toons around him thought it came from a female. Quickly recovering, he straightened up and said, "Herr Rodriguez…heh-heh-heh…vantz to…to talk to you, puny feline…stop making me laugh!"

"Cut…"

* * *

He straightened up, hiked up his pants, groomed his headfur, lowered his ears, and squeaked, "Why, yes, of _corrse_ I'm yoorr boss! And I _own_ dees estoodeeo and evereeteeng een eet!" He turned to the barrel-shaped feline and declared, "Meesterr J.A.M., yoo'rre hirred." The jaguar's eyes lit up, and his ears and tail perked up once more. The CEO turned to the pit bull and added, "Yoo! Esstop blockeeng de teleprompter because I can't read my lines! Calameety—!

"CUT!"

* * *

She skated circles around him, trying not to laugh, " _All of them_ , you say?" She suddenly tripped and stumbled, but managed to stay upright and in character. "You know, I suddenly remember—"

"Cut…nice job there, Mary, but let's try again."

"Aw, and I was hoping you'd keep that take…"

* * *

Mary raised her hand and was about to berate him, but she, too, sagged at the memory. "Maybe, J.A.M., but you did kinda say one or three things that I both deserved and needed to hear." He raised an eyebrow at her. "Because of what you said, you made me realise that both Banjo and I have been…well…'coasting' on our previous successes, regardless of whether we're talented or not, and yes, we _have_ been cranking out recycled movies over and over and over, but hopefully, all of that will change with this new technology that we're scrambling to install. Though I would like to clarify one thing." She rolled up to him, noses almost touching, and with slight anger in her eyes, stated, "J.A.M., this line is too long, and the teleprompter is failing again."

"…cut…" he growled.

* * *

Mary then looked at her new boyfriend and held his paw tightly. "Now, my dear sir, would you do me the honour of…" she looked into his eyes, "…entering my world?"

The feline didn't say anything, but simply smiled, and the loving couple stepped into the picture.

…and the feline tripped and stumbled, but didn't fall down.

Everytoon laughed and Mary rolled on the ground as he grumbled, "…cut…"

* * *

Some segments were co-written with José Ramiro Acosta Pérez and The Incredible Werekitty.

No copyright infringement is intended or implied. I did all this for the fun of it.

All of the characters, places, and events portrayed in this fanfic are fictitious. Any resemblance to any real persons, places, or events is unintentional and purely coincidental, except in cases of severe self-insertion, I suppose, but even then the similarities are controlled, hee hee.

* * *

"Okay, give me a sexy walk! Just walk toward the mirror, and make it convincing!"

The African-American had no problem; all she had to do was walk with one foot in front of the other, making her hips rotate provocatively.

Her co-star, on the other paw, was obviously giving it his best, meaning that he was swaying his hips back and forth, giving the impression that he was sweeping the floor with his tail.

"Hey, Banjo, Werekitty was right. You _do_ have a cute butt," said Mary.

"CUT! Please stick to the script, guys!"

Mary laughed while Banjo turned beet-red.

* * *

"J-Josie! Whut are yew doin' here? There are slavers everywhere!"

This time he did drop the broom. However, he swung his hips in the actress' direction in order to make his tail "curl" toward her, and as he did, the broom slid across the floor…

…and stopped short of the green screen.

"CUT!"

[take 2]

"J-Josie! Whut are yew doin' here? There are slavers everywhere!"

This time he did drop the broom. However, he swung his hips in the actress' direction in order to make his tail "curl" toward her, and as he did, the broom slid across the floor…

…and went right through the green screen.

"CUT!"

* * *

The opossum stared at the brown-red catmaid as she tied…something…to the middle of his tail. "Jus' _whut_ are yew doin' with mah tail?"

Werekitty replied flatly, "We're preparing you for some 'slick tail action', lover boy." She then looked at her work: a piece of nearly invisible elastic stretched from one of the creases of Banjo's tail, went around his torso, and was tied off neatly just under his shoulder blades. "All set!" _and she slapped his butt_ , making him yelp and jump slightly _._

"CUT!"

Everytoon laughed while Banjo rubbed his rear. "Geez, Werekitty! Try t'control yerself!" he chuckled.

* * *

Angry at the janitors' apparent lack of attention to detail, he kicked the concrete pebble away from the set and toward a pile of trash in one corner.

With impeccable aim from his soccer days, Lightning inavertedly sent the rock…

…into the pile of debris.

"CUT!"

[take 2]

Angry at the janitors' apparent lack of attention to detail, he kicked the concrete pebble away from the set and toward a pile of trash in one corner.

With impeccable aim from his soccer days, Lightning inavertedly sent the rock…

…toward a concrete block, which deflected it to the left.

"CUT!"

"Odd, I could do dees rright een de rrehearsal…"

* * *

As the hover-van sped off, Sneezer said, "You two shouldn't go inside together, no…n…CHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

His co-stars had been blown all the way to the theatre entrance, and they fell in a heap.

"…cut…"

"Sorry [sniff], it's a cold night, yup-yup!"

* * *

Naturally, the actor was quite proud of his accomplishment. "Slip—Ah mean, flick—Ah mean, slick tail action, eh, Lil' Mary?"

"CUT!"

The actress—and the director—just shook their heads and rubbed their eyes while everytoon else laughed.

* * *

The audience's laughter swelled with each passing line of dialogue, until it abruptly stopped due to a single jarring musical note, and the entire hologram was suddenly replaced by a blue image with yellow text that read:

 _A problem has been detected and Windows has been shut down to prevent damage to your computer._

 _If this is the first time you've seen this stop error screen, restart your computer. If this screen appears again, follow these steps:_

 _Disable or uninstall any anti-virus, disk defragmentation or backup utilities. Check your hard drive configuration, and check for any updated drivers. Run CHKDSK /F to check for hard drive corruption, and then restart your computer._

 _Technical information:_

 _*** STOP: 0X00000000000000089 (Cx00198014DF, 0x81D37A97, 0xC0000000213, 0x0000000000000000)_

"…and cut. Heh, and to think we didn't have to write any additional code for THAT take…"

* * *

They were followed by a purple rabbit doe with blonde headfur, wearing a blue coat, and a dark blue male skunk with a black leather jacket. He, with low ears and stiff tail, told his partner, "That has _got_ to be the worst movie in history."

It didn't help that the doe tilted her ears in anger nodded, "It, like, probably won't even go direct to video. At least, I _hope_ it doesn't, like, go direct to video. That would be, like, a waste of videotape or something!"

"CUT!"

"What the [CENSORED] was wrong with that?" asked Binky.

"Binky, dear, this movie takes place in the year 2027. _There are no videotapes anymore_."

"Oh…um…sorry, then…"

* * *

Mary then reached out to her small friends, and the two jumped on her hand. "Clear table," she declared, and two white-gloved robot arms, one holding a plastic bag, descended from the ceiling…

…and tipped the table over, sending everything on it crashing to the floor.

"Cut…I thought we had fixed that problem…"

* * *

On the "go", however, they danced to their left, and forgot that the couch wasn't long enough for the whole note. They fell off the edge with a double "yipe!", but moments later the avian flew back up to the couch again…

…by herself.

"I…um…didn't catch him on time, tee-hee-hee-hee-hee…"

"CUT!"

Sneezer only managed an "ow" from beside the couch.

* * *

"Bingo—I mean, Banjo!" she laughed.

"Bingo!" chorused the others, and laughed as well.

"Cut…"

* * *

The humanmaid chuckled, caressed his spine, and asked, "Are you sure your back is okay? We didn't hit you the wrong way or anything? No hip problems, either?"

He nuzzled her, "None whatsoeverrrrrrrrrr. If anything, you ROOOOOOOOOOOOOARRRRRRRR!"

The jaguar was suddenly hanging upside-down, from his claws, from a nearby branch above them. "Cut…Mary, just CARESS, don't POKE!"

The girl, of course, was rolling on the ground, laughing.

* * *

"Right," answered the other three.

"She sings, skates, and DANCES, right?"

"Right."

"Okay, so one day…one day…[CENSORED], I BLEW IT!"

"CUT!

* * *

"And we kept that name, too," she continued, "Anyway, we _tried_ to keep the dream brief, but then J.A.M. and my friends here, and yes, even me, kept adding more and more to it, until it finally just…well…'exploded', if you will, and we decided to have it be a separate movie. It won't be set in Africa, though, but in South America. It's about a girl who loses her parents after they get lost in the Amazon, and she's raised by a family of spider monkeys. She befriends quite a number of animals, including a jaguar—and you can guess who will be playing him—but we're thinking for the villains to be a female hyena who escaped from a zoo, and a stagehand who doesn't get his cue cards mixed up."

"CUT!"

* * *

SPECIAL THANKS

Warner Home Video

Apple Macintosh

ACME Towing Service

The Los Angeles Department of Transportation

SMART™

Varietoon™

Adidas™

Adobe™

Intel™

EXTRA SPECIAL THANKS

The Incredible Werekitty

Abel DuSable

Dr. José Ramiro Acosta Pérez, Ph.D.

Paul "Pepe K." Kellogg

Scott Garidner

* * *

The celebrity stomped off, but he didn't take more than three steps when Sweetie, again carrying her boyfriend, hovered in front of his face…

…and would have piped, if they hadn't actually hit his face, and barely managed to stay aloft.

"OW! You're a little LATE FOR THAT, Banjo—"

"CUT!"

* * *

But even with his display of fury, as he stormed away, the others looked at his tail and _derrière_ once more.

And once more, it was completely lifeless, and his tail never stopped dragging on the floor…

And Sweetie just HAD to send out a wolf-call whistle, making Banjo turn beet-red again.

"CUT!"

* * *

"Toon?!" he spat, leaning back. "Ah'm _much_ more than a toon, Lightnin'! Why, Ah'm a…" He trailed off, unable to remember what he had posted the night before. He pulled out his tablet, tapped on the screen, and read from the hologram—

"Yoo play Candy Crush, Banjo?"

"CUT!"

The opossum quickly put his tablet away, blushing again. "Sorry, Ah thought Ah had closed that…"

* * *

 _Suddenly, he finally saw her, lying face down and unconscious under a thick wooden beam that was still burning in some spots of its top side. "JOSIE!" he screamed. He slithered deftly around "Josie"…_

 _…stepped on a weakened beam and did an unceremonious faceplant, then rolled slightly until he was face up._

"CUT! You okay there, Banjo?" asked the jaguar, with genuine concern.

"Ah'm…Ah'm okay…sorry about that," he replied, rubbing his nose.

At that response, both Mary and the feline went up to him to help him stand up.

The panther then chuckled and said to the camera, "Before you ask, folks, Banjo is doing ALL of his stunts in this movie. The 'digital replacement' is just a visual effect."

"That's right," added Mary. "And once we're done, I'm sure you'll be getting movie offers from fanfic authors everywhere, Banjo."

The marsupial could only reply, "Ah ain't getting paid enough f'r this…"

* * *

His explanation was cut short when another explosion of applause and cheers blasted through understage.

Again the two actors descended…

…but couldn't get off the elevator, since it got stuck halfway down.

"CUT!"

"Ugh, don't tell me Acme built this thing," sighed Mary.

* * *

He zoomed down Calamity's shoulder, zoomed up the opossum's body, and stopped on top of his snout. Ears stiff and fur bristling, he stomped right in front of his eyes, and squeaked, "Now yoo josst hold on derre, Banjo! Yoo know dat Mery's a sooperrstarr too! And de last time I checked, _YOO worrked forr ME!_ "

In brazen defiance and contempt…

…Banjo blinked and wiped his eye. "Geez, Lightnin'! Say it, don't spray it!"

"CUT!"

"Eheh…sorry…"

* * *

Behind her, the purple rabbit doe, also from before, called out, "Enough speeches, Bingo! Like, dance!"

The entire audience LAUGHED.

"Huh? What did I say wrong?"

"CUT!"

The opossum leaned down and drawled, "Yew got yer names a bit mixed up thar, Binky."

* * *

Down below, Banjo was completely oblivious to the platform slowly beginning to rise from the floor, taking him with it. In fact, his head was so up in the clouds that when he finally noticed the audience "sinking" around him, he thought that it was all in his head, and the audience's surprise was simply a reaction to his suave "movements".

 _The audience's surprise turned into laughter when they saw the motion capture booth below the display platform rise from the floor._

And with a sudden lurch, the platform jammed again, sending both the opossum and the jaguar to the floor.

"CUT!"

The audience laughed for real this time, and they applauded as well.

* * *

…The two, now standing on a grassy hill, embracing and looking up into the darkening sky, gazed at a publicity drone that drifted over Hollywood and its animated 360-degree hologram below it that scrolled in an endless loop an image of a movie title and its starring actors; proclaiming to one and all:

 **SLIPPIN' ON THE ICE**

 **Mary Melody The J.A.M.**

 **RODRIGUEZ BROTHERS**

 _"Take a look at me now…"_

He lowered his ears, and the two lovers looked at each other again before sharing yet another deep kiss…

…as the drone suddenly crashed loudly in front of them and exploding in a bazillion pieces, startling them and making them laugh.

"CUT!" the jaguar barely managed to say.

* * *

"I hope they include bloopers," quipped the feline.

"Oh, dey will. That's why I called you here. It seems dat some of da production team, including one of da producers, two of da directors, and a writer or two, aren't enough to help me remember my lines."

"Cut…there goes another one for the credit chapter…"

* * *

"Joey, let me get this straight: the job you were offered is going to be you, working in a place similar to Cool World, from _Who Framed Roger Rabbit_?"

"YES! Isn't it awesome? Wait, what?"

"CUT!"

"I got the movies mixed up, didn't I?"

And the audience laughed again.

* * *

IN MEMORIAM

Gene Kelly (1912-1996)

Donald O'Connor (1925-2003)

Can you guess in what language I was counting the chapters without looking it up?

And by the way, the "Acquaintances" scene was based on a strange dream I had.

* * *

END TAG:

Mary Melody and The J.A.M. appear in the TTA rings, with her hugging him VERY tightly, and she shouts, "Thank you so much, everytoon! We love you!"

The rings then fell flat in front of them, revealing behind them the entire cast of the story: Calamity, Beeper, Sneezer, Sweetie, Arnold, Furrball, Mary Heartless, Lightning, Fifi, Banjo, his brother, Rhubella, Wally, Fowlmouth, Vinnie, Sphinxy, Ron, Hillary, Ralph The Guard, Bettina Bunny, Boris Chachka (the tarantula), Byron Basset, Duncan, Amanda, MacArthur and Emily, Gogo, Winnie and Wade, Colin, Bimbette, Billy Mouse, Johnny Pew, Binky, Francis "Pip" Pumphandle, Harriet, and Concord. They all clapped at Mary, and everytoon exchanged hugs with just about everytoon else, as confetti and balloons and streamers fell from above.

Finally, they all stood in line, shoulder-to-shoulder, and took a bow.

[fade to black]

* * *

¡Zacatepóngolas!

Until next time, remember:

I

AM

THE

J.A.M. (a.k.a. Numbuh _i_ :" Just because I'm imaginary doesn't mean I don't exist")

Good evening.

[WARP!]


	18. Tribute

While both Gene Kelly and Donald O'Connor are given their appropriate tribute in the credits chapter, Debbie Reynold's death (as well as Carrie Fisher's, her daughter) was particularly surprising for me and for everyone.

So, without further delay, I just want to say this:

Thank you, Mrs. Reynolds, for your wonderful work in "Singin' In The Rain", which this story both parodies AND pays tribute to.

Debbie Reynolds

1932-2016


End file.
